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Clips from South Park - Trapped in the Closet (S09E09)

"Neither did I!"
South Park
"But now, if you guys can't accept"
South Park
"then I suppose we're no longer friends!"
South Park
"Stan, I just want you to know"
South Park
"that I still hate Kyle more than you."
South Park
"Tom, you've gotta come out of the closet. Oh my Gahd."
South Park
"Mm-maybe you took what he said out of context."
South Park
"Okay, 's like, if you don't come out"
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"can I at least come in and talk to you?"
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"Oh... Okay, but no tricks."
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"No tricks."
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"Yeah, see?"
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"I feel really safe. Oh my Gahd."
South Park
"Tom, it now appears that John Travolta"
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"is also in the closet and he refuses to come out."
South Park
"Here with more details once again, is R. Kelly."
South Park
"Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet."
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"Then John Travolta come"
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"But then I calm myself down and I pull out my gun!"
South Park
"Oh geez, here we go with the gun again."
South Park
"If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come out the closet"
South Park
"because they're too much like Xenu's evil cruisers."
South Park
"Yes, of course! So wonderful!"
South Park
"was recently broken out of galactic jail."
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"Yes, of course!"
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"should no longer have to pay money to belong."
South Park
"we can't charge people for help."
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"Waait a minute, whoa, whoa!"
South Park
"You don't actually believe this crap, do you?"
South Park
"Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?"
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"E-meters and thetan levels?"
South Park
"Those people out there buy that crap"
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"and I thought YOU were smart enough to see what was really going on!"
South Park
"What's better than telling people a stupid story"
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"and having them believe you?!"
South Park
"But then, why me?"
South Park
"Why do you need me to write something so badly?"
South Park
"Because if those people all think you're the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard"
South Park
"then they'll all buy your new writings"
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"and you and I together will make three million dollars!"
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"Do you fucking get me now?!"
South Park
"Then keep writing, L. Ron! Your people are waiting."
South Park
"Breaking news here in South Park."
South Park
"Tom Cruise and John Travolta still... will not come out of the closet."
South Park
"Park County police have decided to try a new method."
South Park
"I've been asked to come up here"
South Park
"get you both out of the closet."
South Park
"so you can just go away."
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"But everyone wants you out the closet."
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"That doesn't matter ' cause we're gonna stay."
South Park
"Now I'm startin' to get angry"
South Park
"so I pull out my gun!"
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"I'm gonna give you a count of three to open this closet door."
South Park
"1. I'm gonna shoot you both."
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"2. I'm gonna cap some bitch."
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"Now I'm in the closet."
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"Now I'm in the closet too."
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"My fellow Scientologists!"
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"Our prophet has finished his new doctrine"
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"and will now read some passages before making"
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"it available to you all for a nominal fee."
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"I give you... the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard!"
South Park
"Uh, thanks."
South Park
"are actually from a galaxy called Nubanon."
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"And uh, oh, I... I can't do this."
South Park
"Look, everybody, we're all looking for answer, you know."
South Park
"We all want to understand who we are and where we come from"
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"but... sometimes we want to know the answers so badly that we..."
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"believe just about anything."
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"Oh! We are gonna sue you!"
South Park
"What?"
South Park
"We'll sue you, buddy!"
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"YOU told me it was a lie!"
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"Ho, now you're puttin' words in MY mouth!"
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"You are sooo sued!"
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"You can't make fun of Scientology, kid!"
South Park
"We are gonna sue your ass and your balls!"
South Park
"Yeah, that's right!"
South Park
"How dare you mock our faith, you little punk?!"
South Park
"You'll be hearing from our lawyers tomorrow!"
South Park
"Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R. Kelly have all come out of the closet!"
South Park
"So you're NOT the prophet, huh?!"
South Park
"Well fine! Go ahead and sue me!"
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"I will! I'll sue you in England!"
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"You are so sued, kid!"
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"Okay, good! Do it! I'm not scared of you!"
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"Sue me!"
South Park
"You see, Stan, scientology was founded"
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"Brian, could you come over here a second?"
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"Scientologists the world over are simply rejoicing at his second coming."
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"I'm never coming out!"
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"I'm not, I'm not in the closet."
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"We're not comin' out the closet"
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"But I'm completely miserable and these people can help!"
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"- Huh? - What?"
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"to Earth"
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"our confusions and our problems."
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"Mr. Hubbard discovered that negative emotions"
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"to get rid of their negative emotions."
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"Back then there was a galactinc federation of planets"
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"The aliens were no longer frozen, they were dead."
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"Go! Now!"
South Park
"What?"
South Park
"Just come out of the closet."
South Park
"Will you... look at his thetan levels?"
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"Sorry about this, Greg."
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"Yeah, I know who you are."
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"Ohhhh."
South Park