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Clips from South Park - Trapped in the Closet (S09E09)

"Great! I want you to meet my new friend, Stan."
South Park
"Hey there! How are you?"
South Park
"Fine."
South Park
"Brian's gonna give you your personality test"
South Park
"and then let you know some things about Scientology."
South Park
"L-look, is this a religion?"
South Park
"Ho, that's not a problem at all."
South Park
"Scientology is more like an alternative to psychology than a religion."
South Park
"Then how come that sign says "Church of Scientology"?"
South Park
"Oho, that's just this thing:"
South Park
"What's the Denver Broncos' record now? Six and two?"
South Park
"Seven and two."
South Park
"Wow! That's great! All right, come on in and take a seat, we're gonna have some fun!"
South Park
"All right now, I'm just gonna ask you a few questions."
South Park
"Okay. Number 1:"
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"Do you ever make remarks... which you later regret?"
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"Uh huh. Would you rather give orders... than take them?"
South Park
"Yeah?"
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"Do you ever whistle... just for the fun of it."
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"Ohhhkay, and finally, does life sometimes feel vague and confusing to you?"
South Park
"Yes."
South Park
"Okay, Stan. Well, that's it. That's the end of the personality test."
South Park
"So how did I do?"
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"but... you are one messed-up kid."
South Park
"Huh?"
South Park
"Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed."
South Park
"I am? I didn't know that!"
South Park
"Well there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology."
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"I think it can really make you happy again."
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"What what do I do?"
South Park
"It's very simple. We just need two hundred and forty dollars."
South Park
"Stanley, you haven't touched your food. What's the matter with you?"
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"I'm totally depressed."
South Park
"What? Why?"
South Park
"I don't know."
South Park
"Well how long have you been feeling this way?"
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"I'm not sure. But... I need two hundred and forty dollars."
South Park
"Ohhh Jesus, the answer is no, Stanley."
South Park
"Stanley, I didn't know you were miserable."
South Park
"Stanley, do you have any concept of money at all?"
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"Money doesn't grow on trees, you know?"
South Park
"Don't you care that I'm depressed?!"
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"What if I become suicidal, or, or become an alcoholic like Grandpa?"
South Park
"Well, if you really think your life is so bad, Stan"
South Park
"Well but... but that's my money."
South Park
"Yeah, well just like the rest of us, you have to make choices with your money."
South Park
"Do you want a bike, or do you not want to be depressed?"
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"Michelle, our friend Stan wants to have auditing."
South Park
"Oho good, you're going to be so happy."
South Park
"Great, so do you have the two hundred and forty dollars?"
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"Perfect! We're on our way!"
South Park
"Come on over here and I'll fill you"
South Park
"in on how the Church of Scientology works."
South Park
"by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard."
South Park
"are actually caused by things called "body thetans.""
South Park
"Really?"
South Park
"Yes! And being the genius that he was, Mr. Hubbard"
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"invented a way to get rid of those bad thetans."
South Park
"This is called an E-meter."
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"It's the main tool of Scientology."
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"I talk you through past experiences in your life."
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"I'll be taking readings here"
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"and we'll be able to determine your thetan levels."
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"Thetan levels."
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"Come on in the auditing room and I'll show you how it works."
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"All these people are just like you, Stan, auditing with E-meters"
South Park
"All right, Stan, I want you to just relax"
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"and take hold of the E-meter handles."
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"So, this is gonna make me happy?"
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"Just take a few deep breaths"
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"What?"
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"Somethin... something's wrong."
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"Yep. Oh hey there, Greg!"
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"Stan."
South Park
"Huh, well. We'll get another E-meter this one's obviously broken."
South Park
"And so we just try to analyze your personality"
South Park
"and if it seems like you need some help"
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"then you can have an audit"
South Park
"counseling for a nominal fee."
South Park
"Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay."
South Park
"Mike, I need to talk to you!"
South Park
"Excuse me, sir, I'll be right back."
South Park
"Are you all right? You're sweating!"
South Park
"Take a look at this."
South Park
"What is it?"
South Park
"The E-meter results from the little boy in Room D."
South Park
"This... this can't be right."
South Park
"We ran the tests four times!"
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"We used four different E-meters!"
South Park
"Fax these results to the head office in Los Angeles."
South Park
"The boy is from a small mountain town in Colorado, sir."
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"Sir, how can it be that a first timer scores that kind of thetan level?"
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"He registered OT9!"
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"I've waited... forty-two years... for this day."
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"Sir?"
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"Don't you all see what this means?"
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"There was only one person who EVER registered"
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"OT9 in the history of our church."
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"L. Ron Hubbard said he had lived past lives."
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"That when he died his thetan would show itself again."
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"Our prophet has returned."
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"Uh, Stanley, take the garbage out before you go to bed."
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"I took out the garbage yesterday."
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"Right now, Stan!"
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"Stupid dumb garbage!"
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"Thank you for returning!"
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"He's wonderful. He's wonderful."
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"I don't know!"
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"Hello young man. I'm the head of Scientology."
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"It is... a great honor to meet you!"
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"All right, what the hell is going on here?!"
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"He is the reincarnation of our church's most famous prophet."
South Park
"What?"
South Park
"We're not asking him to join us"
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"Is this where he lives? Is this where L. Ron Hubbart is? Oh my God!"
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"Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise are big Scientologists."
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"Young man, I know you don't remember it"
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"You revealed the secret that began the whole Church of Scientology."
South Park
"Okay, Stan, it's late, go up to your room and get ready for bed!"
South Park
"Let Mommy and Daddy handle this."
South Park
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