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Clips from M*A*S*H - Chief Surgeon Who? (S01E01)

"Major Houlihan, Burns."
M*A*S*H
"— We‘re so glad you‘re here, sir. — So glad."
M*A*S*H
"The situation better be as bad as you indicated, Burns."
M*A*S*H
"There‘s a badly wounded patient who‘s been waiting to be operated on since 1:30."
M*A*S*H
"— It‘s 2:00 now. - 2:03."
M*A*S*H
"All right, I‘ll get right into this."
M*A*S*H
"just where, may! ask, is ChiefSurgeon Pierce with a patient waiting in surgery?"
M*A*S*H
"Well, sir, you wouldn‘t believe this."
M*A*S*H
"— You took three? — Right."
M*A*S*H
"How would you like a land mine up your moustache?"
M*A*S*H
"Ten bucks, Hawkeye."
M*A*S*H
"I‘d like to win this pot while I‘m young enough to enjoy it."
M*A*S*H
"— I‘ve seen bigger pots. — Keep away from the mirror."
M*A*S*H
"— We here to play or talk? —I think I‘m here to lose."
M*A*S*H
"— That‘s a lot of respect for one ace. — As you were."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, hiya, General. What are you doing, marching in your sleep?"
M*A*S*H
"Pierce, I‘ve been told..."
M*A*S*H
"— You bet your bellybutton, Dad. — | what ?"
M*A*S*H
"— Pair oftwos says five. — Out."
M*A*S*H
"— |n. — Pierce."
M*A*S*H
"You‘re a little late, General. I‘ll deal you in next hand."
M*A*S*H
"That soldier requires surgery."
M*A*S*H
"Are you gonna take care ofhim, or are you gonna go on playing poker?"
M*A*S*H
"General, the man came in with a chest wound."
M*A*S*H
"I put a tube in him, and I‘m watching him very carefully."
M*A*S*H
"You call this watching?"
M*A*S*H
"| get a bulletin every quarter hour..."
M*A*S*H
"from the nurse who is very devoted and a great kisser."
M*A*S*H
"By that time, he will have been given his blood,"
M*A*S*H
"Until then, you‘re going to do nothing?"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m going to meet his five dollars and raise two more."
M*A*S*H
"You‘re not talking to some idiot desk jockey, Captain. I‘m a doctor myself."
M*A*S*H
"Your two and two more."
M*A*S*H
"Fold that."
M*A*S*H
"This conduct is intolerable as a chiefsurgeon."
M*A*S*H
"Either take the case yourself orjoin me at 3:00."
M*A*S*H
"|f| don‘t win this pot, I‘ll never be able to send my sister a new truss."
M*A*S*H
"|wasn‘t listening to the first ofit."
M*A*S*H
"We‘ll just wait until we hear what Colonel Blake has to say about it all."
M*A*S*H
"— Watch out for the—— — [Crashing]"
M*A*S*H
"— [flattering] — trash can."
M*A*S*H
"I hate loud generals."
M*A*S*H
"— Are you in or not? — Yeah."
M*A*S*H
"[Grunting]"
M*A*S*H
"—Soldier! —Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— Which way to Colonel Blake‘s? — Twenty feet straight ahead."
M*A*S*H
"— Dismissed. —Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— What are you doing, Corporal? — Doing, sir?"
M*A*S*H
"D—o—i—n—g. What are you doing?"
M*A*S*H
"Listening to you spell doing, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Doesn‘t Colonel Blake mind your smoking his cigars and drinking his brandy?"
M*A*S*H
"— Yes, sir, very much. — Then why are you doing it?"
M*A*S*H
"|don‘t mind, and I figured as long as one of us is reasonable."
M*A*S*H
"Ten—hut!"
M*A*S*H
"Is your hand broken? Get that cigar out ofyour hand."
M*A*S*H
"|fhe isn‘t in his tent, he could be anywhere."
M*A*S*H
"Only on duty, sir."
M*A*S*H
"[Exhales]"
M*A*S*H
"Halt!"
M*A*S*H
"Friend or foe?"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m General Barker!"
M*A*S*H
"— Corporal Klinger, isn‘t it? - Right!"
M*A*S*H
"I can tellyou, it‘ll take a lot more than this."
M*A*S*H
"[ Scoffs ]"
M*A*S*H
"— General Barker? —What, may! ask, is going on here?"
M*A*S*H
"—just playing, sir. — That I can see, but what?"
M*A*S*H
"Strip dominoes."
M*A*S*H
"Nurse, is everybody around here crazy?"
M*A*S*H
"Everybody who‘s sane is, sir."
M*A*S*H
"just tell me, please, which is Colonel Blake‘s tent?"
M*A*S*H
"Right outside, sir, hang a right, two tents."
M*A*S*H
"Thankyou. Go to bed."
M*A*S*H
"— See ? — Forget it."
M*A*S*H
"Be with you as soon as I can."
M*A*S*H
"Honey, I got us some real beauties."
M*A*S*H
"— Henry! — General Barker, what are you doing——"
M*A*S*H
"Where have you been ?"
M*A*S*H
"And leaving this place run by that maniac you appointed chiefsurgeon?"
M*A*S*H
"— Come with me. —Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Gee whiz, that‘s a bit strong, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Do you realize you‘ve a man on guard duty who‘s wearing a skirt?"
M*A*S*H
"— Where‘s Pierce? — Over in surgery."
M*A*S*H
"— Come on ! — As you were."
M*A*S*H
"— How much did you win? —About 50 bucks."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m sending it to my wife for her private detective fund."
M*A*S*H
"It‘s for when I get back home, starting the second night."
M*A*S*H
"—Ah, Pierce. — Ah, pull up a sink, General."
M*A*S*H
"our guy in there had been given less than a pint of blood,"
M*A*S*H
"five million units of penicillin intravenously."
M*A*S*H
"Ofcourse, his chest is still bleeding,"
M*A*S*H
"but now we can operate safely and quickly."
M*A*S*H
"We don‘t have to do it frantically and carelessly."
M*A*S*H
"Let‘s get nice and sterile."
M*A*S*H
"— Obviouslyyou don‘t. — Give the man a cigar."
M*A*S*H
"The general or the patient?"
M*A*S*H
"Give me some suction here."
M*A*S*H
"— And there it is. — I‘m impressed."
M*A*S*H
"Well, sir, what doyou think ofmy chiefsurgeon now?"
M*A*S*H
"but forgive a rusty old doctor, will you?"
M*A*S*H
"|thinkyou‘re very good at apologies, General."
M*A*S*H
"— May| make a suggestion about Major Burns? — Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Give him a high colonic and send him on a ten—mile hike."
M*A*S*H
"— With full pack. — Good touch."
M*A*S*H
"Well, I‘ll seeyou toyourjeep, sir."
M*A*S*H
"— [Klinger] Halt! — Klinger!"
M*A*S*H
"At leasta slip."
M*A*S*H
"[Mumbling]"
M*A*S*H
"— Longfingers. — Longfingers."
M*A*S*H
"— Hawk, this looks like ajob for Clark Kent. — Coming."
M*A*S*H
"Put a stitch in that drain. I‘ll be right back. Watch it."
M*A*S*H
"— Pierce ? — What ?"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m ready, Doctor."
M*A*S*H
"We‘ll split the fee, right?"
M*A*S*H
"Right."
M*A*S*H
"And | thinkl may have hit upon the perfect formula."
M*A*S*H
"— Twaddle. — Watch your language, Frank,"
M*A*S*H
"You‘re quite a guy in here."
M*A*S*H
"Everything in there is true."
M*A*S*H
"and I already had a $35,000 house and two cars."
M*A*S*H
"— Wejust got through with two days ofcasualties. — Speak to the enemy, sir."
M*A*S*H
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