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Clips from M*A*S*H - Chief Surgeon Who? (S01E01)

"Why do you keep handing me the wrong instruments?"
M*A*S*H
"Will you shut up?"
M*A*S*H
"How would you like a spleen across the mouth?"
M*A*S*H
"— How many waiting out there? — Couple ofdozen."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ve got a pancreatic injury here. Anything outside the skull, I‘m dead."
M*A*S*H
"— Drain it! — Resect it! — Thanks, Hawkeye."
M*A*S*H
"The book says drain it. Always!"
M*A*S*H
"You‘re a year behind in yourjournals."
M*A*S*H
"Clean that up while /’m gone. L et’s go I We got people double—parked"
M*A*S*H
"|can‘t find anything."
M*A*S*H
"You left it in yourtent, sir."
M*A*S*H
"It‘s from Major Burns. He‘s right outside."
M*A*S*H
"Sir?"
M*A*S*H
"Frank Burns has to be the biggest horse‘s patoot on this post."
M*A*S*H
"You think so?"
M*A*S*H
",L‘ [ Radar Humming]"
M*A*S*H
"JM Humming Continues]"
M*A*S*H
"Frank. Dismissed."
M*A*S*H
"You heard him, sir."
M*A*S*H
"He‘s talking to you."
M*A*S*H
"The nearest thing to a salute on this post is the camp mutt,"
M*A*S*H
"scratching the fleas behind his ears."
M*A*S*H
"Not allowed, Henry. Page 85, the Army Officer’s Guide."
M*A*S*H
"You honestly want him to call you Major?"
M*A*S*H
"I have got oak leaves on my shoulders."
M*A*S*H
"And I‘ve got dimples on my butt. None of that means anything around here, Frank."
M*A*S*H
"Shall we get on with the charges?"
M*A*S*H
"— Radar! —Yes, sir?"
M*A*S*H
"— Get Pierce and tell him I want to see him. —I sent for Captain Pierce."
M*A*S*H
"— Right this way, sir. — Show him in."
M*A*S*H
"— Whatever it is, it better be good. — He‘s out ofuniform, as usual."
M*A*S*H
"I tried sleeping in my uniform, Frank, but my medals keep stabbing me."
M*A*S*H
"Burns says the operating room is becoming impossible."
M*A*S*H
"He‘s right. I agree. All that blood and those sick people. It‘s terrible."
M*A*S*H
"You know what I‘m talking about. You‘re trying to take over."
M*A*S*H
"— You do it. |don‘t care. — They don‘t ask me the questions!"
M*A*S*H
"— That‘s a $35,000 house and two cars. - Uh-huh."
M*A*S*H
"I realize it‘s ridiculous for a doctor to work in a hospital."
M*A*S*H
"— Burns does outrankyou, Pierce. — It took the U.N. to do it."
M*A*S*H
"— Listen, Pierce—— — Knock it off! This can‘t continue."
M*A*S*H
"— Why don‘t you sell me to the Red Sox? — I‘d love to."
M*A*S*H
"— But what I obviously have to do is appoint a chiefsurgeon. — Now you‘re talking."
M*A*S*H
"He‘ll be in charge ofall surgical situations."
M*A*S*H
"In addition to his own work, he‘ll assist each shift to help with the tough cases."
M*A*S*H
"— The job will be a killer —I can adjust."
M*A*S*H
"| hopeyou can. I‘m giving it to Pierce."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, thanks."
M*A*S*H
"What? You can‘t! |won‘t stand for it."
M*A*S*H
"The one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife."
M*A*S*H
"What about rank?"
M*A*S*H
"—Can I helpitif I‘m not as rank as you ? —This is unheard of!"
M*A*S*H
"Face it. Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit."
M*A*S*H
"He‘s certified in chest and general surgery."
M*A*S*H
"In case you haven‘t read the papers, there‘s a war on."
M*A*S*H
"—Are you implying he‘s a better doctor? —Yes, when the heats on."
M*A*S*H
"|fyou want heat, I‘ll give you plenty of heat!"
M*A*S*H
"Frank? “Failure to salute a superior officer.”"
M*A*S*H
"Hey, you mayjust turn out to be one ofthe good guys yet, Henry."
M*A*S*H
"Hawkeye, don‘t let me down."
M*A*S*H
"Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?"
M*A*S*H
"Oh, I wasjust, uh, fixing this cut I have on my head."
M*A*S*H
"Margaret, something just awful has happened."
M*A*S*H
"— Take a deep breath, Frank. — [ Inhales, Exhales]"
M*A*S*H
"— And ? — Colonel Blake‘s appointed Pierce chiefsurgeon over me."
M*A*S*H
"He can‘t! It‘s against regulations."
M*A*S*H
"It is, and he does."
M*A*S*H
"[Sniffies]"
M*A*S*H
"Frank, it‘s not unmanly to cry."
M*A*S*H
"[Chuckles] I would not give them the satisfaction."
M*A*S*H
"That‘s my strong fella."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, Margaret. [Sobbing]"
M*A*S*H
"there will be a special ceremony in the mess hall..."
M*A*S*H
"That means tonight’s movie is moved to tomorrow"
M*A*S*H
"It’s the latest War Department film on the dangers of MD."
M*A*S*H
"Be sure to see it with someone you love."
M*A*S*H
"J; [Woman Singing Injapanese]"
M*A*S*H
"Put on the record."
M*A*S*H
"[ Record Scratches ]"
M*A*S*H
"Quiet, please, everybody. [Clears Throat]"
M*A*S*H
"This is the moment you‘ve all been waiting for."
M*A*S*H
"Ladies and gentlemen and anything in between,"
M*A*S*H
"it gives me great pleasure to present..."
M*A*S*H
"—;;[ Fanfare] — [Cheering]"
M*A*S*H
".L‘ [ “Pomp And Circumstance ” ]"
M*A*S*H
"[Laughing]"
M*A*S*H
"— They‘re gonna get theirs. Boy. —Type, Frank. Type."
M*A*S*H
"Some men are born to greatness. Others have it thrust upon them."
M*A*S*H
"And then there are those of us who got it both ways."
M*A*S*H
"Keep those crowds back behind the toilet paper."
M*A*S*H
"“Dear General Barker, I think I should call to your attention——”"
M*A*S*H
"[ Murmurs] “My qualifications as a doctor——”"
M*A*S*H
"—[Murmurs] $35,000? —Hmm?"
M*A*S*H
"Mmm. Type. Type."
M*A*S*H
"Type. Type."
M*A*S*H
"I guess you could say that medicine has been my life."
M*A*S*H
"| always wanted to be a doctor—— just ask any little girl I grew up with."
M*A*S*H
"[Moans]"
M*A*S*H
"Frank."
M*A*S*H
"Call me Tiger."
M*A*S*H
"[ Moans] Frank."
M*A*S*H
"—Your oak leaves are killing me. -Oh!"
M*A*S*H
"Oh."
M*A*S*H
"Come on."
M*A*S*H
"But let me say this,"
M*A*S*H
"honestly,"
M*A*S*H
"I guess outside ofour families we‘ll never be closer to anybody..."
M*A*S*H
"You finished?"
M*A*S*H
"What did I get on the humble meter?"
M*A*S*H
"[Murmuring]"
M*A*S*H
"— One more thing, then we got to get back on duty. — I‘ll buy that."
M*A*S*H
"I assure you that it‘s imperative, sir, or! wouldn‘t have called."
M*A*S*H
"[ Trapper] The trappings of your office, sire."
M*A*S*H
"Your orb."
M*A*S*H
"General Barker? Margaret Houlihan."
M*A*S*H
"Yes."
M*A*S*H
"|thinkyou ought to get up here at once, sir, for the good ofyour command."
M*A*S*H
"[Cheering]"
M*A*S*H
"— Your scepter. — [Cheering]"
M*A*S*H
"Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"|thinkyou ought to take a good look at your new chiefsurgeon."
M*A*S*H
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