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Clips from NewsRadio - Security Door (S04E04)

"I thought they were building a big terrarium to keep Matthew in."
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"Anyway, this should help to solve the problem..."
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"we've been having with petty theft in the office lately."
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"- You really don't wear it well. - Look."
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"I'm not paranoid. Things have been stolen from my desk."
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"Not that you know about."
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"This'll never work. Why not?"
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"Please be my guest. Fine. Give me your key card."
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"All right. Stand right there."
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"You were right. [ Chuckles ]"
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"Locked out. Oh, how-how'd that happen?"
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""More news after this.""
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"Well, I guess, uh--"
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"Oh, they haven't, have they? No. No, they-they didn't do that, Dave."
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"We have a security system for a good reason, and I don't want people circumventing it."
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"Do you really expect me to hold it for you?"
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"Thanks for the offer, Dave, but I'd rather have you out here taking care of the door."
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"Okay. You have my word."
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"but I don't have an agent anymore. What happened?"
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"Which one is it? Well, what does it matter?"
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"Either way, he's not returning my phone calls anymore."
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"Thanks, Bill. That's flattering."
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"I believe agents get 10%."
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"See how smart you are? Five percent. Six."
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"Seven. Deal."
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"[ Intercom Chimes ] Uh, okay."
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"Just ask them who they are. If they have a legitimate reason for being here, buzz them in."
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"Sorry. [ Chiming ]"
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"No! No, no. Can't you see that defeats the whole purpose of having a--"
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"Ah, well. This is my office, and he's not here."
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"That means they don't belong here."
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"Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it!"
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"There's just one or two things I think we need to discuss."
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"I've read over the contracts, and I think there are just-- I'll do it."
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"Unless that's the kind of thing you're looking for. What we really need..."
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"[ Chuckles ] Don't worry. There won't be any nudity involved."
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"But if you were to decide that nudity was vital, I'm game."
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"No. What I'm trying to communicate is that I'm willing to do nudity, no extra charge!"
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"Bill, shut up."
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"No, you won't! I would rather not wear a sombrero."
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"Dave, we have to get rid of that security door."
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"Doesn't it just make you want to cry? [ Groans ]"
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"You didn't even bother to defrost it."
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"Now will you please leave me and my door alone?"
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"[ Sighs ] Something's wrong with Bill."
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"I mean, yeah, I know, obviously."
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"and he turned into this sniveling coward, which ordinarily would amuse me, but--"
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"Silence. Silence."
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"Isn't that Beth's job? Yes."
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"[ Chimes ] WNYX. Who is it?"
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"[ Groans ]"
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"of who we are and where we belong."
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"If you'll give me your attention, I can show you that it can be a door,"
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"And as you can see, it is closed..."
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"A thief has entered. We are all in danger."
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"so when the alarm goes off, the door will be opened automatically."
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"- Any questions? Yeah? - Yeah, I have a very serious question."
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"a wizard casts a spell on us while we are--"
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"Uh-- Lisa was having trouble with her key card earlier."
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"I was just gonna give her a few pointers on proper use."
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"But what if they make me wear a cardigan? I look stupid in cardigans."
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"Okay, well, if they try to do that, just tell them no."
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"It didn't click. Maybe it did."
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"[ Clicks ] There. Now it's closed."
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"I'm his agent. He said there was some emergency on the set. [ Bell Rings ]"
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"is offering a 50% discount on young woman's and petite sizes at participating stores."
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"So we can both get our own pair? That's right."
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"with our outrageous Lady Capri hip huggers?"
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"[ Girls ] Thanks, Blue Genie!"
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"[ All Laughing ] [ Man #2 ] Cut!"
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"No, they're not! Right about what?"
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"About the fact that somebody's gettin' a little..."
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"No. I am not paranoid."
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"Oh, really. Nobody's going anywhere."
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"No one leaves this room until I hear a confession..."
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"with a monkey head."
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"I wrote you a little song. It's called "Frodo, the Paranoid Gnome.""
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"Oh, excellent."
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"Well, he said, "Yes, Bill, what is it?""
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"Oh. All right. You know what? Let me take care of this for you, okay? Hey, hotshot!"
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"You. Yeah. Just a second."
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"No, let me do this."
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"If I want to be treated like a spoiled baby, it's time I acted like one."
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"Okay, guys, what exactly is the problem?"
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"there's no fruit in my dressing room!"
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"That's the problem?"
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"You're fine with it. Oh, yeah. Lisa!"
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"Yeah, well, no harm done. Thanks. Thanks a lot."
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"He's in on the whole plan to-- Okay, I don't know what the plan is,"
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"but I'm pretty sure he's in on it. When was the last time..."
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"Here you go. So what-- what was the real reason this thing broke?"
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"What was that about? Huh?"
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"What-- What was what about? Well, you know, what was--"
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"I just put it right-- What did I say, Dave?"
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"But I-- Get in this room right here. You're gonna be just fine."
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"Go on."
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"unless you have this with you-- your key card-- which works like so."
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"Oh, it's a security door."
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"Oh. [ Laughs ] Terrarium!"
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"Isn't that a lot of trouble to go through..."
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"just to hide the fact that you misplace things?"
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"Yeah. Dave, you gotta get off this paranoid thing."
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"Th-They have."
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"- Nothing's been stolen from my desk. - You don't have a desk."
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"Because you can get through this thing without a key card."
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"No, you can't. Would you like me to demonstrate?"
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"Now try to open the door."
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"- I can't. - What do you know?"
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"[ Dinging ] Great."
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"Good one. Bill?"
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"Hey, Dave. What's goin' on?"
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"Oh, it doesn't really matter. Did you try knockin'?"
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"Just about to give that a shot. Oh, well."
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"You, uh-- You let me know how that works out for ya. I will, sir."
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"Said, "Dave, you got a minute?""
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"Um, Mr. James, I-- W-W-Watch out! Just be careful, would ya?"
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"Those cost me $50,000."
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"- Fifty thousand? - Yeah, that's right. I get A.M. and F.M."
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"Okay, what?"
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"What were you doing listening to WXYP anyway?"
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