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Clips from Seinfeld - The Phone Message (S02E02)

"I think if one's going to kill oneself..."
Seinfeld
"...the least you could do is leave a note. It's common courtesy."
Seinfeld
"That's just the way I was brought up."
Seinfeld
"- Values are important. - So important."
Seinfeld
"What are you doing Thursday night? You wanna have dinner?"
Seinfeld
"Thursday's great."
Seinfeld
"Tan pants."
Seinfeld
"Why do I buy tan pants, Donna?"
Seinfeld
"I don't feel comfortable in them."
Seinfeld
"Are those cotton Dockers?"
Seinfeld
"I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial."
Seinfeld
"Really?"
Seinfeld
"I like that commercial."
Seinfeld
"You like that commercial?"
Seinfeld
"Yeah. It's clever."
Seinfeld
"You mean the one where the guys are all standing around..."
Seinfeld
"...supposedly being very casual and witty?"
Seinfeld
"Yeah. That's the one."
Seinfeld
"What could you possibly like about that?"
Seinfeld
"I don't know. I like the guys."
Seinfeld
"I could sit on a porch and wrestle around..."
Seinfeld
"...and maybe even be part of a real bull session."
Seinfeld
"I know guys like that. To me, the dialogue rings true."
Seinfeld
"Even if the dialogue did ring true..."
Seinfeld
"...even if somehow, somewhere men actually talk like that..."
Seinfeld
"...what does that have anything to do with the pants?"
Seinfeld
"Doesn't that bother you?"
Seinfeld
"That's the idea. That is what is clever about it."
Seinfeld
"- They're not talking about pants. - They're talking about nothing."
Seinfeld
"- That's the point. - I know the point."
Seinfeld
"No one is telling you to like it."
Seinfeld
"All those quick shots of the pants. Just pants, pants, pants, pants."
Seinfeld
"What is that supposed to be?"
Seinfeld
"What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny you put each other through."
Seinfeld
"The guy will be like, I don't think her eyebrows are even."
Seinfeld
"Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?"
Seinfeld
"Of course, the woman's looking at the guy thinking:"
Seinfeld
"What is he looking at?"
Seinfeld
"I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday."
Seinfeld
"But can I go out with someone that actually likes this commercial?"
Seinfeld
"No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason?"
Seinfeld
"Yeah. I told him all the time."
Seinfeld
"They were constructing offices."
Seinfeld
"Houses near the drain were going for $150,000."
Seinfeld
"Hi."
Seinfeld
"She invites me up at 12:00 at night for coffee."
Seinfeld
"No, thank you."
Seinfeld
"Too late for me to drink coffee."
Seinfeld
"I said this to her."
Seinfeld
"People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live."
Seinfeld
"I can't imagine what she must think of me."
Seinfeld
"She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee."
Seinfeld
"She invited me up! Coffee's not coffee."
Seinfeld
"- Coffee is sex. - Maybe coffee was coffee."
Seinfeld
"Coffee's coffee in the morning, not at 12:00 at night."
Seinfeld
"Yeah, people who work at NORAD who are on 24-hour missile watch."
Seinfeld
"Everything was going along so great. She was laughing."
Seinfeld
"I was funny."
Seinfeld
"It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time."
Seinfeld
"- I think you should call her. - I can't call her now. It's too soon."
Seinfeld
"Why? I love it when guys call me the next day."
Seinfeld
"Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like."
Seinfeld
"If I call her now, she's gonna think I'm needy."
Seinfeld
"They want a take-charge guy, a colonel, a Kaiser, a czar."
Seinfeld
"All she'll think is that you like her."
Seinfeld
"That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid."
Seinfeld
"She wants you to like her."
Seinfeld
"Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she doesn't like me."
Seinfeld
"I don't know what your parents did to you."
Seinfeld
"Hey. I just thought of a really funny thing for your act."
Seinfeld
"You ever notice how cars here in New York..."
Seinfeld
"...never get out of the way of ambulances?"
Seinfeld
"'Sorry, buddy."
Seinfeld
"Should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelets..."
Seinfeld
"So you gonna use it?"
Seinfeld
"I don't think so."
Seinfeld
"- Well, it's funny. - It's funny."
Seinfeld
"I like to do my own material."
Seinfeld
"That's as good as anything you do."
Seinfeld
"All right, I gotta make a call. Everybody out. Come on."
Seinfeld
"...with other people in the room. - Oh, see?"
Seinfeld
"This is the problem."
Seinfeld
"You're kicking me out of my house?"
Seinfeld
"Don't do the apples."
Seinfeld
"It's enough already with the apples."
Seinfeld
"Hi, it's Carol. I'll get back to you."
Seinfeld
"Hi! It's George."
Seinfeld
"George Costanza. Remember me?"
Seinfeld
"The guy who didn't come up for coffee."
Seinfeld
"Well, whatever."
Seinfeld
"Anyway."
Seinfeld
"It was fun."
Seinfeld
"It was fun, so..."
Seinfeld
"Oh, boy. So..."
Seinfeld
"You call me back."
Seinfeld
"If you want."
Seinfeld
"That's up to you, you know."
Seinfeld
"Either way."
Seinfeld
"The ball's in your court."
Seinfeld
"So..."
Seinfeld
"I'm just getting my jacket. I'll meet you downstairs."
Seinfeld
"What's the matter? Did you call?"
Seinfeld
"Got her machine."
Seinfeld
"I'm dead. I'm a dead man. That's it, I'm dead. I'm a dead man."
Seinfeld
"- What'd you say? - I don't know what the hell I said."
Seinfeld
"I gave her an ultimatum, and there's nothing I can do. It's a machine."
Seinfeld
"The little light's blinking right now. Come and listen to the idiot."
Seinfeld
"After one date you try and improvise on a machine?"
Seinfeld
"My brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine."
Seinfeld
"And he blurted out business information he wasn't supposed to."
Seinfeld
"It would have cost him $15,000..."
Seinfeld
"...so he waited outside the guy's house."
Seinfeld
"When the guy came home, he went with him and switched the tape."
Seinfeld
"- He did that? - Yeah."
Seinfeld
"Somebody did that?"
Seinfeld
"She'll call you back. You're overreacting."
Seinfeld
"I have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life ever."
Seinfeld
"- That's amazing. - Thank you."
Seinfeld
"Anything else I should know?"
Seinfeld
"Yes. I'm lactose intolerant."
Seinfeld
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