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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - The Prisoner (S03E03)

"wilderness."
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"[grunts]"
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"Ow. Fucking splinter in my foot."
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"Which reminds me."
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"I brought you your dinner."
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"-The chicken. -Yes."
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"I let it warm up to room temperature for a few days."
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"Oh... mm."
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"-I'll leave the light on. -Thank you."
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"[door closes]"
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"[cawing]"
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"[phone chiming]"
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"I put these security cameras everywhere just to make sure"
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"the vampires are safe."
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"Usually, the only alerts I get are when raccoons get into"
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"the trash cans or Laszlo goes out to the potting shed"
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"in the back yard to, uh, whack off."
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"But..."
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"What the hell?"
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"And you're comfortable slumbering in your coffin"
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"knowing that bloody Guillermo's poncing around the house?"
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"We could get locks for our coffins-- inside locks."
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"Does such a thing even exist?"
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"LASZLO: I can't even slumber knowing he's downstairs"
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"in that basement, so I've been..."
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"busy in my potting shed."
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"Well, I've continued"
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"to sift through his stinky pickles"
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"from his toilet bucket, and I can confirm"
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"he's not smuggling out any secret messages."
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"Good work, Colin Robinson. [clears throat]"
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"But I will continue to sift through it"
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"on a daily basis in..."
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"-The... -What?"
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"[all gasping, whimpering]"
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"Stand back!"
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"[all exclaiming]"
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"NADJA: Laszlo, get down!"
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"Ooh! What the heck?!"
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"You hit me with a stake!"
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"Stand back! She's trying to kill all of you."
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"See, this is what I'm talking about. He's a good soldier."
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"-He's gonna kill us all! -I'm not trying to kill anyone."
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"-I'm not trying to kill anyone, either... except for you! -GUIDE: Great."
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"-Whoa. -NANDOR: Good catch."
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"Thank you."
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"Chillax, familiar."
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"We get it: you're a vampire-killer,"
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"with the stakes and the reflexes and all that-- great job."
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"-[claps] -Yay. Now,"
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"-may I speak? -LASZLO: You may speak,"
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"dark shade, but, remember,"
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"no bullshit from thy mouth."
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"COLIN: But before you speak,"
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"how did the prisoner get out of his cage?"
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"-I'll tell you later. -Okay, but what about your poop bucket?"
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"I mean, is it empty, half-empty, mostly liquid,"
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"or are there some Lincoln Logs in there for me?"
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"-Okay. -GUIDE: Listen, everyone,"
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"I didn't mean to alarm you,"
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"but we haven't heard from you."
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"We sent 87 ravens to summon you..."
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"which is a big deal for our budget."
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"-Oh, that makes sense-- all the ravens. -[overlapping muttering]"
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"Okay. So you did see them,"
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"and you did nothing, just like last time?"
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"Well, maybe you could try using the telephone?"
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"We did try the telephone."
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"It is Guillermo's job to answer the telephone."
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"I'm sorry, but why did you not answer the telephone?"
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"Because you had me in a cage in the basement!"
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"Always an excuse with this wise guy."
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"GUIDE: All right, on to the business at hand."
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"I come to you with a personal message"
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"from the Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council."
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"-Oh, shit. -Yes, the council that rules"
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"over all other councils."
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"Now, do you have a VCR?"
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"-A what? -How are you spelling that?"
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"V-C-R."
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"-"Visar." -No."
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"-Is this really necessary? -NANDOR: Yes, it is. -LASZO: Ah, ah, ah."
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"GUIDE: Vampires all, draw ye near"
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"that ye may receive the message"
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"from the Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council."
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"[whispers]: Now press play."
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"GUILLERMO: That's rewind. That's pause."
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"-I'm pressing it. -COLIN: The Voice is on in a little bit--"
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"-can we, uh... -NANDOR: Careful. -Ugh."
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"Play."
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"♪"
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"Hi."
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"-Nandor the Relentless, -NANDOR: Yes?"
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"-Nadja of Antipaxos, -NADJA: Oh!"
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"Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth and Colin Rubenstein,"
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"I applaud you."
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"Congratulations. With the help of your bloodthirsty minion,"
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"you have eliminated almost"
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"70% of the most powerful vampires"
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"in the Tri-State area."
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"What? He's here now?"
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"-Right when I'm doing this piece? Tell him to go -Is he being sarcastic?"
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"-It does sound a little bit... not sarcastic, -to my chambers and wait there."
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"-What's the other word that sort of means "sarcastic"? -Okay, where was I?"
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"-Ah, yes. -Begins with "F.""
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"Lest you think I'm being facetious,"
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"-That's the word. -I can assure you"
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"I am not."
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""Vampire must never kill vampire.""
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"Is that not the thing that we say all the time?"
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"-We do. Uh... some of us do. -At dinner parties"
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"-I do. -and at social gatherings, we come and say,"
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""Hey, how's it going, Jeffrey?"
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"Vampire shall not kill vampire,""
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"just to remind ourselves of that big law that we made"
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"many, many years ago."
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"But when a vampire kills, like,"
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"37, 38 vampires?"
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"Well, these are vampires"
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"who know how to get things done."
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