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Clips from Married with Children - Dump of My Own (S03E03)

"Al, she's failing again."
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"Who cares?"
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"I've got a chicken pecking its way out of my body."
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"Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom?"
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"Because all the houses in our price range were on fire."
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"Oh, except for that lovely house with no kitchen"
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"that I wanted."
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"I, of course, have to sleep with mine."
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"Is that its new name?"
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"[LAUGHS]"
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"But the point is..."
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"One was being an astronaut"
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"and landing on the planet Jayne Mansfield."
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"The other was having a bathroom all to myself."
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"Well, Daddy got blown off course"
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"and had to crash on a much darker planet."
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"But, family, I'm going to realize my second dream."
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"I'm going to build a bathroom,"
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"the greatest bathroom in the world,"
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"and I want you to know something, all of you:"
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"Nobody uses that bathroom but me."
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"As it is, we give the kids candy and tell them it's vitamins."
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"No more vitamins for a while, kids."
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"But don't worry, it won't cost much"
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"because I'm gonna build it myself."
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"Mom, I'm scared."
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"Hi, honey. How was school?"
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"Oh, reading, adding,"
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"Kelly, you believe in your mother, don't you?"
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"Well, a little bit."
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"That's sweet."
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"I can't, Mom. Since Dad decided to build his dream bathroom,"
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"What, does he think,"
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"It's here!"
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"[GRUNTING]"
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"Where's Bud? I want him to see this."
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"Family, gather round."
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"What is it, Dad?"
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"My destiny, son."
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"When I was a young boy, I told myself"
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"when I grew up, I would have one thing:"
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"I thought it was a head like a peanut."
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"He had one of those too."
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"Not just a toilet."
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"A Ferguson, the king of bowls."
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"Bud, sit down."
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"Let me tell you the story of the Ferguson."
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"at the little Ferguson factory."
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"It's the Stradivarius of toilets."
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"[BOTH LAUGH]"
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"Yep, I'll never forget the time"
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"to visit the factory."
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"and I begged him to pull in to a truck stop."
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"It'll be worth it.""
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"It was."
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"Excuse me, here, Dad, but a toilet is a toilet."
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"They come in designer colors, and they're too low."
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"When you flush 'em,"
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"they make this little, weak, almost apologetic sound."
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"Not the Ferguson."
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"And when you flush it,"
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"ba...whoosh!"
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"A Ferguson says, "I'm a toilet."
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"Sit down and give me your best shot.""
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"Oh, if only a Ferguson could speak,"
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"the tales it would tell..."
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"And now I've got one of my very own."
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"Yeah, I just wish Dad could be alive--"
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"This time, I don't think he's coming back."
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"Oh, look, Dad, I'm sitting on my own Ferguson."
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"Just like you always knew I would."
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"Remember this at the trial, kids."
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"A Ferguson, you say."
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"It's made by elves, I think,"
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"somewhere in Canada."
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"that a child can do it in three weeks."
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"Then we'll bring in a child."
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"[DRILL WHIRS]"
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"But on the minus side..."
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"Steve, why don't you go in, see if you can help?"
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"Why should I help him?"
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"Then he'll come over and use our bathroom."
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"Like last week."
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"He killed our goldfish."
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"Doh, hi, Al."
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"I want to ask you something."
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"Yeah, many's a time I'll be sitting in my bathroom,"
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"wishing I could look at my car."
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"Do I detect a little green-eyed monster"
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"sneaking into your voice there, Steve?"
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"Come on, you can be honest."
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"It's beautiful, isn't it?"
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"Al, I don't see any area marked off for a sink."
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"Hey, this is a man's bathroom."
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"when you have to share a bathroom with a woman,"
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"well, in my case, Peggy,"
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"you get nylons on the shower rod,"
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"you get Nair where the toothpaste should be,"
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"and a bottle of vinegar lying around."
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"I mean..."
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"What do they do in there, make a salad?"
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"Well, not in my bathroom, Steve."
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"In my medicine cabinet,"
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"I'm just gonna have guy stuff:"
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"You know, Rolaids, milk of magnesia,"
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"Tums, my razor."
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"Why do you need a razor when you don't have a sink?"
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"Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve,"
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"it's for peace of mind."
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"Look over here."
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"This is my own design."
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"This is my four-roll toilet paper dispenser."
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"No more running out in crucial situations."
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"When the bomb drops, I'm set."
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"Now, listen, Al, there might be some looting out there."
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"You might wanna get a rifle to protect those babies."
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"That's a good thought, Steve."
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"I had another great thought the other day."
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"You know, I've been going to lots of bathrooms lately,"
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"you know, research."
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