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Clips from A Series of Unfortunate Events - The Bad Beginning: Part Two (S01E01)

"By the shape of the pyramids, I'll kill you if I can't have him."
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"Okay, if I win this hand, you give me a backrub,"
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"Please, Duchess."
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"I am very handsome, but I am only one man."
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"By the turrets of Gravelstein, this very handsome man shall be mine."
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"By the Gardens of Worthington,"
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"if I can't have him, my heart will literally break."
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"Figuratively. My heart will figuratively break."
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"Why, what handsome adventures I have had,"
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"only to end up at this same pond on this..."
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"my wedding day!"
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"take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
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"I do."
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"Man. Do you take this man..."
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"to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
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"By the powers vested in me by going to law school,"
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"I now pronounce you Count and Countess."
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"Mazel tov."
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"There is no need to continue with tonight's performance."
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"For its purpose has been served."
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"This has not been a scene of fiction."
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"That can't be true!"
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"and sign the appropriate document in her own hand."
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"And all of you, ladies and gentlemen, are witnesses."
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"Violet is only a child. She's not old enough to marry."
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"She is if her legal guardian allows it."
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"And in addition to being her husband, I am also her legal guardian."
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"If you look closely enough,"
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"I think you'll see that it is figuratively real."
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"Violet..."
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"you said I do and signed this paper in your own hand."
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"Count Olaf, you are now Violet's legal husband."
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"And?"
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"And a vile and terrible person."
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"A vile and terrible person"
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"who is in complete control of the Baudelaires' entire fortune."
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"This is absolutely horrendous. I won't allow it!"
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"I'm afraid there's nothing you can do."
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"Count Olaf is correct."
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"This marriage is legally binding."
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"I am so sorry, Baudelaires."
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"I can't believe how easily I was tricked."
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"You were easily tricked!"
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"And now, a reception to celebrate my special day. Hit it!"
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"Oh, thank you."
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"Stop."
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"First, let Sunny go."
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"if you'll forgive my little joke."
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"You promised to let her go!"
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"Oh, and what kind of husband would I be if I didn't keep my promises?"
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"No."
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"You idiot! What are you doing?"
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"Well, I had to bring her here. She had a straight flush."
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"Well, I'm still married to Violet, and I will dispense with you"
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"on our honeymoon."
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"Care to dance, Countess?"
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"- Wait. - And why not, pray tell?"
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"Don't lie to me, orphan. Everyone saw you."
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"Yes, there were several hundred witnesses, not to mention those on the mezzanine."
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"But I'm right-handed,"
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"and I signed the document with my left hand."
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"Well, that doesn't count."
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"You're just being a sore loser and trying to ruin my special day."
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"With all due respect,"
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"I think Justice Strauss ought to tell us if it counts."
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"That's right."
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"What?"
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"You should never be afraid to admit that you don't know something."
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"This is a very complicated case."
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"May I have a blackboard, please?"
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"John Locke's 1690s groundbreaking work is cited,"
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"postulating that the law of the land rests on the..."
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"As you can well imagine, Klaus' legal argument"
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"had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall"
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"and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells, a phrase which here means"
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"it was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing."
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"And so, as Martin Luther King said,"
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"Judicial decrees may not change the heart..."
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"and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells."
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"It was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing."
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"Well, you may not be my wife, but you are still my daughter."
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"Do you honestly believe I will allow you"
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"to continue to care for these three children"
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"after the treachery I've seen here tonight?"
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"I'm even considering firing your associate"
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"Jacquelyn, is that you?"
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"- Where have you been? - I was kidnapped"
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"by Count Olaf's associates and tied to a tree"
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"before I could tell you that the Baudelaires' uncle, Dr. Montgomery,"
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"was designated by the parents as their legal guardian"
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"- Dr. Montgomery? - I've never heard of him."
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"Well, you are hereby rehired as my secretary"
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"The Baudelaires will be sent to a suitable guardian"
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"and this series of unfortunate events has come to a close."
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"As for you, Count Olaf..."
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"I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do."
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"Olaf? Olaf?"
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"Olaf!"
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"He's escaped!"
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"Wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!"
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"You children, come home with me."
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"Sorry, but the children must come with me."
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"What? After all Justice Strauss has done for us?"
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"We never would've figured out Count Olaf's plan"
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"without Justice Strauss and her library."
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"That may be so, but your parents' will is very specific."
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"There's a vigorously fixed destination your parents had in mind for you,"
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"and it is not with Count Olaf or Justice Strauss."
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"Well..."
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"goodbye, children."
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"I'll miss you very much."
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"We'll miss you, too."
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"Come along, Baudelaires."
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"Goodbye."
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"Bye!"
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"- Where are we gonna go now, boss? - To a vigorously fixed destination."
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"Some things in life are difficult to understand,"
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"even after years and years of thinking about 'em"
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"Repeat. Have the Baudelaires arrived at Dr. Montgomery's?"
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"But I'm literally standing at the edge of a pond. Ow!"
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