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Clips from A Series of Unfortunate Events - The Bad Beginning: Part Two (S01E01)

"Well, Mr. Haircut, the Baudelaire will states very clearly what is to happen"
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"in the event of the untimely deaths of Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire."
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"They are to be raised by their closest living relative,"
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"who appears to be a renowned scientist by the name of..."
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"- Poe. - It is another"
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"to listen to the advice of a consultant."
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"And in my important actual consulting expertise business,"
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"whoever lives nearby."
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"Really? You think so?"
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"I would stake my fortune on it."
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"I think the person nearest to the Baudelaires is renowned actor"
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"and handsome man, Count Olaf."
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"Never heard of him."
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"He's been favorably mentioned in theatrical reviews"
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"in several small magazines."
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"His name is pronounced..."
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"Count Olaf."
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"And if I'm not mistaken, he lives right..."
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"right here."
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"Is that really the closest?"
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"Jacquelyn, can you please bring in a very large ruler?"
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"resulted in unfortunate events far and near,"
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"from a woman trapped in a remote park..."
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"as our story resumes."
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"Put some elbow grease into it!"
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"Mr. Poe must have made a horrible mistake when he took us here."
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"There's no way our parents would want us in Count Olaf's care,"
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"if we can even call it that."
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"I'd rather take my chances on the streets than stay here any longer."
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"Who knows what would happen to us on the street?"
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"At least here we have a roof over our head."
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"I wish our parents' money could be used now,"
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"with armed guards patrolling outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe."
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"- With a large inventing studio. - And a library."
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"Hurry up, orphans. There's reupholstering to be done."
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"She said her legal library was always open to us."
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"It's not the same thing."
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"Mr. Poe did say we could contact him if we had any questions."
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"We don't really have a question. We have a complaint."
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"Can I warm that up for you? And also give you some very bad news?"
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"- What is it? - It's that secretary..."
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"Shh! Not here."
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"An emergency?"
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"My old secretary, a distinguished professional"
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"who showed up without fail for many years, has vanished."
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"I've hired an underemployed artist with no prior experience"
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"who needs the occasional day off for auditions and performances."
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"Plus, I've already had to reschedule a haircut several times."
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"What can I do for you?"
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"Count Olaf is a madman. We can't stay with him."
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"He struck Klaus across the face. See his bruise?"
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"Oh, excuse me. Poe here."
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"Yes."
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"Absolutely not."
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"Thank you."
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"I'm sorry. What were we talking about?"
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"Oh, yes, Count Olaf."
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"He only provided us with one bed."
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"He makes us do a great many difficult chores."
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"Seven."
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"Anything but seven."
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"Children, everyone, at some time in their life,"
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"wishes they were being raised"
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"by people different than the ones who were raising you."
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"When I was a little boy,"
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"I would have given my eyeteeth to be raised by an actor."
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"He calls us orphans."
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"You are orphans."
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"He has terrible friends."
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"I have terrible friends."
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"Speaking of not understanding a word someone is saying!"
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"Baudelaires, are you familiar with the term in loco parentis?"
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"In loco parentis means acting in the role of a parent."
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"It is a legal term and it applies to Count Olaf."
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"And as your legal guardian,"
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"Count Olaf may raise you using any method he sees fit."
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"So I'm sorry if your parents didn't make you do household chores,"
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"or if you like their friends more than you like Count Olaf's friends."
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"But there are certain things you must get used to."
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"Now, I'm sorry if I have to usher you out posthaste,"
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"but I've got work to do."
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"It means he'll do nothing to help us."
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"Oh, on the contrary, I'll have my new secretary give you a ride home"
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"as soon as he's finished typing up that report."
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"I think we need to call the IT guy."
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"That man works for Count Olaf."
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"It was good seeing you, Baudelaires."
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"Oh, no, no, no, orphans."
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"I spent all morning making these cupcakes for you."
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"Thank you."
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"Aren't raspberries delicious?"
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"They were my favorite berry when I was your age."
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"But we're all different ages."
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"I recently received a call from Mr. Poe."
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"I'm sorry Mr. Poe bothered you."
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"I'm glad he did,"
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"because I want you three children to feel more at home here,"
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"As you know, I have been working hard with my theater troupe,"
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"and I'm afraid I may have acted a bit standoffish."
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"but it does not describe Count Olaf's behavior toward the children."
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"Standoffish refers to a person"
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"who, for various reasons, is not associating with others."
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"It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party,"
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"might stand in a corner instead of talking to another person."
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"Gustav? Jacquelyn here."
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"It would not describe somebody"
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"Participate how?"
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"I'm..."
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"The play is called The Marvelous Marriage,"
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"and is by the great playwright Al Funcoot."
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"We will give only one performance, this Friday night."
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"It tells the story of a very handsome and good-looking man, played by me."
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"You, Klaus, and you, Sunny, will play two cheering people in the crowd."
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"But we're shorter than most adults. Won't that look strange to the audience?"
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"You'll be playing two midgets."
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"And what will I do? Build the sets?"
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"Build the sets? Oh, heavens, no."
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"My sister is very good with tools."
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"A pretty girl like you shouldn't be working backstage."
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"But I'd like to."
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