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Clips from The Office - Drug Testing (S02E02)

"You look cute today, Dwight."
The Office
"Thanks, girl."
The Office
"Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs."
The Office
"Let's go over some of these symptoms of marijuana use, shall we?"
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"Hey."
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"a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends."
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"And by the way, I haven't."
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"I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."
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"Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk, and he'll just be someone else."
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"That's supposed to be Phyllis."
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"My ass is on the line! Now, I'm gonna ask you again,"
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"what time did you go home last night?"
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"Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys."
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"What's the hard way?"
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"I can't stop this investigation. It is my job."
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"...to investigate the crime scene."
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"is one of the hardest jobs that you can have."
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"because I was half-baked, smoking doobies!"
The Office
"Well, your office is behind you. Thanks."
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"I don't think Michael's ever done drugs."
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"to attend his great-grandmother's funeral."
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"What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer?"
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"Have you ever taken any illegal drugs? No, I have not."
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"in your system without you knowing about it?"
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"Okay, I'm done with this."
The Office
"This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of,"
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"How do you know that?"
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"No."
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"Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?"
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"That's not how it works."
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"Knock it off, okay? I'm interviewing you. No!"
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"He does everyone in the office."
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"Hmm."
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"Jinx. Buy me a Coke."
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"Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a Coke."
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"I know you're innocent,"
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"Uh-oh, uh-oh."
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"Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine."
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"at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center."
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"but one of her friends started passing around some stuff"
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"and they said that it was clove cigarettes."
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"It has to be official and it has to be urine."
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"Okay."
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"I don't take any prescription drugs."
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"So, the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine."
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"One of those kinds that's kind of low-cut at the top"
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"I mean, not everything, Jim. I promise..."
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"Okay, well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room."
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"That was a test. I was testing you."
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"One of those people will be dead from drug use"
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"Yeah, I have the same... Okay. Enough, enough, enough!"
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"Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?"
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"You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit or other flavors..."
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"You can't do that."
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"Okay, you know what? I'm gonna need a volunteer to select one of these words"
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"that happened in either their lives or the lives of a loved one."
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"Oh, he's doing it. Okay."
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"The point I'm trying to make with all of this, people,"
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"So, you are going to have a drug test and I am not."
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"and I don't even know if anything's gonna come out. Okay?"
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"You might remember testing my urine a few years back"
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"So, I need you to do some work on the Saint Andrews account."
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"Okay, all right, just..."
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"by a girl with a lip ring."
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"Are you serious?"
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"Don't think of it that way."
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"No, just... Is something wrong?"
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"Just fill up the cup."
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"My father's name was Dwight Schrute."
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"His father's name?"
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"and make us biscuits with gravy."
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"You look like you have something really important to say"
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"and you just can't for some reason."
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"Come on, you can tell me."
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"We just need urine, sir."
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"Why? What..."
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"Just buy it from me."
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"I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird."
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"I decided to pull a few strings, call in a few favors,"
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"So, you wanna..."
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"in charge of assisting all activities' security."
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"Okay. Here's your badge."
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"No. I don't have a gun."
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"No..."
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"How many orange traffic cones do you have?"
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"Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it."
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"Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out."
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"So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot,"
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"which is unfortunate, because, as it turns out,"
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"Slow moving, inattentive,"
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"dull,"
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"constantly snacking,"
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"shows a lack of motivation."
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"I like the people I work with, generally, with four exceptions."
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"But someone committed a crime,"
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"and I did not become"
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"Jim does the best impressions."
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"Like, he'll go..."
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"I can't do it as good as he can."
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"And the guys are saying, Chug! Chug! Chug!"
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"But I'm so small and all I had eaten that day"
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"was one of those Auntie Em pretzels from the food court."
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"And they said, No. But Ryan seemed cool either way..."
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"Stop!"
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"This is not Kelly Kapour's Story Hour."
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"Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay?"
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"Your ass is on the line, mister!"
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"I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night."
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"I go to a lot of parties."
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"I am not giving you my keys."
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"Don't make me do this the hard way."
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"I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car."
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"Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here"
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"and make you give him the keys to your car"
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"and you will have to obey him."
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"Yeah, let's do it that way."
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"Dwight! Is he bugging you?"
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"Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man."
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"It was one joint in the parking lot."
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"I have six more interviews to go, and then I will reveal what I know."
The Office
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