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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - Colin's Promotion (S02E02)

"(quietly): Human. Human, human."
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"Hello!"
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"(clears throat) Even though there's been a slight uptick,"
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"we have maintained"
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"-a plat... -(beeping)"
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"Okay. Well, uh,"
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"I guess the projector decided to take a bit of a coffee break."
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"(laughter)"
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"(chuckling)"
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"Ah! Ah! We're back!"
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"(all laugh)"
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"I'm ready for my close-up."
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"(all laugh)"
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"All right!"
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"Did you see that?"
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"They were listening to me, because I'm the boss."
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"They had to listen."
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"This whole boss thing"
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"might work out."
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"But the main thing is that we all give 100%,"
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"except when it comes to donating blood."
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"-(all laugh) -It's entirely possible"
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"that what rappers are saying is true."
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"I mean, being boss is dope."
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"So, this is all just kind of a precursor"
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"to the larger slideshow that I'm about to start."
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"I feel like I have the power of a thousand cowboys"
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"running through my veins right now. (laughs)"
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"(grunts, laughs)"
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"-(door opens) -Hey, Eric, uh..."
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"(clanging)"
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"Don't sit on that."
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"Dominic and Dan were sitting on it already and broke it."
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"(whoops)"
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"COLIN: I was worried being the boss would take me away"
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"from my roomies too much, but they treat me as an inferior."
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"-At work, I'm a superior. -(phone rings)"
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"Hi, Dan. Turn to your left."
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"Drain on demand."
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"Dan, I've called you in for an impromptu"
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"-performance review. -Wh-Why?"
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"If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?"
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"Uh, I don't know. A maple."
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"Okay, that's interesting."
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"I want you to go back to your cubicle and type up"
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"a 2,000-word essay on why you chose to become a maple."
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"Arnie, stop talking to Joanna."
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"She's my assistant."
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"Tyler, hey. Colin Robinson, your boss."
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"Get in here."
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"That's right, Guillermo. Careful with my nudie."
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"-LASZLO: Whoa! -What are you doing with your hand?"
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"-How dare you?! -Whoa."
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"Get your hand off my wife's ample but firm backside."
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"NADJA: Thank you, darling."
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"Right, but are you at the office, or...?"
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"(Nandor and Laszlo groan)"
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"How far away from the office are you?"
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"-I know you're not at the office. -Hello, Colin Robinson."
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"How was your first day being the big boss?"
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"Like you give a shit."
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"(gasps)"
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"How far from the office are you?"
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"NADJA: What is going on with Colin Robinson?"
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"He has never missed an opportunity"
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"to tell us how boring his day was."
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"He's a wild card, that one."
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"What are you talking about? He's not a wild card."
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"He's the card you get on the top of the deck"
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"that has the instructions on it, so you throw it away."
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"-Uh, can you get to the office? -Colin Robinson,"
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"would you like to help pick a painting to put up?"
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"There's still a bit of space."
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"Hold. Uh, no."
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"I have calls to roll?"
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"But I've always been partial to this one."
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"-NANDOR: How's he doing that? -Can you get to the office?"
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"NADJA: What a beautiful landscape."
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"Why have I never seen this painting before?"
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"Who knows? It doesn't go with this room, anyway."
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"We should get rid of it."
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"Donate it to an orphanage or something, Guillermo."
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"It looks just like the village I grew up in, and it's on fire."
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"-It... -Let me have a closer look."
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"NADJA: I've heard of this invasion in stories."
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"Centuries before I was born,"
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"it is said that my village"
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"was a very special place."
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"They say that the water was like honey."
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"Even the urine-- it was like rose water"
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"that you could drink, and when you'd drink it,"
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"it'd make you want to dance."
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"Very special place. And then it was"
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"destroyed by a terrible army."
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"They spared only the softest brains"
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"and the stupidest bodies in the village, and their offspring"
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"were all wrong."
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"We will never forget that battle."
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"It was very windy that day, and the leader of the army--"
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"he was on a high cliff face,"
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"and he went, "You will never forget my name."
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"-It is..." (muffled speech) -(wind whistling)"
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"We didn't get the name,"
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"but I know now."
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"It is Nandor the Relentless, my pig shit housemate!"
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"All this time, and you never said anything."
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"Lives were ruined! All the men in my village"
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"are three-foot-two because of the malnourishment!"
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"When he goes there, he's a bloody giant! So much"
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"destruction and misery at my own vampire housemate's hands!"
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"You coward!"
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"We don't know that that is your exact village."
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"That is my village flag on fire in the painting!"
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"Well..."
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"the pillaging could've been done by anyone."
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"We cannot go jumping to conclusions that I am to blame."
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"He is right, my darling. We've got no evidence that it was him."
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"Then what the fuck is Persian Frank Zappa doing on a horse?!"
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"(horse neighs)"
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"Yeah, that's him."
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