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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - Colin's Promotion (S02E02)

"-NADJA: What? -LASZLO: Whoa."
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"(laughter)"
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"How did you come to write The Feminine Mystique?"
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"I thought there was something wrong with me"
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"because I didn't have an orgasm waxing the kitchen floor."
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"-(laughing) -(audience claps)"
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"-(phone ringing) -(soft chatter)"
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"(clears throat)"
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"(clears throat)"
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"(clears throat)"
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"Colin, can I get you a lozenge or something?"
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"No, thank you."
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"(clears throat)"
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"Colin, Laura would like a word with you in her office."
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"Laura?"
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"I think what's happened is,"
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"they finally figured out that"
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"I don't even know what the hell this company does."
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"-(clears throat) -Just watch,"
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"I'm gonna be as cool as a cucumber."
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"Hello, Laura."
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"I have been assessing your work..."
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"(speaking indistinctly)"
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"(muffled): No. No."
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"You cannot do that."
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"It turned out to be the exact opposite"
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"of what I was thinking."
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"They actually decided to give me a damn promotion."
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"This is not good."
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"It's mainly about my friends,"
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"uh, Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja."
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"I don't want to do anything that takes away from my roomie time."
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"It's like the old adage, you know?"
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"Coworkers die."
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"Vampire roommates,"
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"they're forever."
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"("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)"
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"* Don't sing if you want to live long *"
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"* They have no use for your song *"
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"* You're dead, you're dead, you're dead *"
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"* You're dead and out of this world *"
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"* Now your hope and compassion is gone *"
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"* You sold out your dream to the world *"
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"* Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead *"
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"* You're dead and out of this world. *"
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"So, we have decided to rotate our artworks."
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"This was part of a bigger thing called the Guernica."
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"I just cut off the bit that has got me in it."
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"But even the ones I did like,"
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"I've been looking at them for 200 years,"
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"so I hate them now."
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"Pablo Picasso. More like Pablo Pic-asshole."
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"Ah! That's my first ship."
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"It was a piece of shit."
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"Recognize this?"
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"It's my vulva."
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"-It certainly is. -(Nadja chuckles)"
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"Nandor! Who said you could look?"
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"NANDOR: Well, stop pointing it at me, then."
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"Laszlo, remember this one?"
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"It's the portrait in which you claimed"
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"to have invented the portrait bomb."
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"I did invent the portrait bomb."
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"Here I am, behind the dead chap,"
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"two fingers in the air,"
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"doing the rabbit."
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"I had to sit there for about seven hours."
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"And they still do it now. Why? Because it's hilarious."
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"-NADJA: No, I hate it... -My roomies."
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"LASZLO: I like it."
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"NADJA: We're not putting the goat up!"
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"-I hate it! -COLIN: Hey, hey. What's up?"
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"-Dilly dilly. -LASZLO: Oh."
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"Colin Robinson, this does not concern you."
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"So please retreat to your underground bedroom."
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"-Thank you. -Oh, you guys are rearranging the paintings, huh?"
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"Well, I'm pretty good with squares"
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"and finding the ideal spots on walls,"
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"so if you need my help..."
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"No, we don't need your help, Colin Robinson."
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"Mm, okay."
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"Uh, speaking of news,"
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"I got a big promotion today at work."
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"But, uh, I'm not sure if I'm gonna take it."
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"It would definitely cut into our roomie time..."
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"Colin Robinson, however you are trying to drain us,"
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"just stop it!"
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"Yes, Colin, please leave us to our sorting."
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"And you can take your self-portrait with you."
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"But... it's of all of us."
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"I made it on the Texas Instrument Paint Pro."
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"(Nandor winces)"
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"COLIN: One of the hard things"
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"about being an energy vampire is that,"
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"even when you're being sincere"
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"and maybe looking for some reassurance"
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"or-or support,"
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"people think you're trying to drain their life force."
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"I wish people would understand that I don't live to drain."
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"I-I drain to live."
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"It is draining for them, though."
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"Well, I'm the boss."
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"I have an assistant."
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"Joanna."
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"Hello, Joanna."
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"Hi, Mr. Robinson."
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"Colin Robinson."
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"Can you make me a copy, please?"
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"Sure. Um, of what, sir?"
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"Um..."
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"Uh, that."
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"I'm watching you."
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"Do more work."
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"I have to admit, I'm quite nervous"
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"about being the boss."
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"That said, I finally figured out what the company does."
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"It's playground design and marketing."
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"Or land mine design and manufacturing."
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"It's... one of those."
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"I have to give my first presentation."
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