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Clips from The Muppet Show (1976) - John Cleese (S02E02)

"OK, what do I do with the pigs, Kermit?"
The Muppet Show (1976)
"[man] Here's a Muppet newsflash."
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"towards solving the world's food crisis."
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"Dr. William Edgar of Chicago, Illinois,"
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"reports he has found a method"
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"of synthesizing Italian dinners out of wool."
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"At a press conference, Edgar demonstrated his process"
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"by knitting a tureen of minestrone,"
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"[plays up-tempo music]"
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"[clucks]"
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"Usually this bird's a great performer,"
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"[man] And now, Pigs in Space!"
The Muppet Show (1976)
"Starring the acrophobic Captain Link Hogthrob,"
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"the illustrious first mate, Miss Piggy."
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"And the sesquipedalian, Dr. Strangepork."
The Muppet Show (1976)
"As we join our story today..."
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"Oh, the loneliness of command."
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"[door beeping]"
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"- Ha-ha! Avast there! - What the hey?"
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"I beg your pardon. Who are you?"
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"I be Long John Silverstein."
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"[chuckling]"
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"Deadliest pirate of the seven seas."
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"- You can't be a pirate. - Of course I'm a pirate."
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"I've got a hat, a parrot and a hook."
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"What else should I be? A management consultant?"
The Muppet Show (1976)
"- OK, so you're a pirate. - So I'm a pirate."
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"[chuckling]"
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"The hook was on the left hand."
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"- Not now. - It's always the same."
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"Listen, what is that you want exactly?"
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"I'll tell ye, captain. I be master of this ship now."
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"I told you, just wear an eye patch, leave the hook at home."
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"- But you wouldn't listen. - Button your beak."
The Muppet Show (1976)
"This is all ridiculous. This is a spaceship."
The Muppet Show (1976)
"What?"
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"This is the Swinetrek,"
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"You're supposed to be on an ocean someplace."
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"- See? I told you so. - Shut up."
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"Oh, sure. Shut up, shut up. Sure, yeah."
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"When you want somebody at home"
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"to share a cracker with, that's different."
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"[muttering]"
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"- Excuse me. - Sorry."
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"Where be the crew of this 'ere tub now, captain?"
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"you can call them on the intercom on the wall."
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"A pirate don't use an intercom!"
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"T'would be sissy!"
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"- Don't be so fussy. - Oh, all right."
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"[yelps] This be no intercom!"
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"This be a pay phone!"
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"I know. It's a design flaw that slipped by us."
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"Pigs! Where be me doubloon?"
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"- [chuckling] - [coins clattering]"
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"Look at those doubloons! Oh, we were broke, you said."
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"That's why you didn't take me to dinner."
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"- Listen, will you just...? - You used to take me out all the time."
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"- We'll discuss it later. - You don't love me anymore."
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"Of course I love you. I am working now."
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"And you're making a lousy job of it."
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"You wanna be an ex-parrot?"
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"Two can play at that game. Take this."
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"- [ship beeping and buzzing] - Abandon spaceship!"
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"This has never happened before."
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"- Man the bilge pumps! - Prepare the hollandaise!"
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"- Prepare the hollandaise! - Deliver the punch line!"
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"We already did that!"
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"- [man] Pigs in Space! - [screaming]"
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"- Now that was hilarious. - Yes, it was really funny."
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"Fozzie, what am I gonna do with this arm?"
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"Oh, don't worry, Gonzo."
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"I'll be back later when they're dry. Ah!"
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"[soft music plays]"
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"So I says to the waiter,"
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""Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.""
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"And the waiter says, "Shh, not so loud."
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"- Everybody'll be wanting one." - Hmm."
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""Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?""
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"And the waiter said, "Looks like the backstroke.""
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"So I says to the waiter,"
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"And the waiter says, "What's the matter? You ordered a mosquito?""
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"So I said to the waiter,"
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"And he said, "Standing in for the apostrophe.""
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"The chef ran out of flies halfway through dinner."
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"[applause]"
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"[♪ Waiting at the Church]"
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"Very good, Kermie."
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"Thank you, but it's just a song."
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"- I don't have a wife. - Mmm-hmm. Not yet."
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"- Are you ready?! - Yes."
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"Mmm-hmm."
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"Will you take that silly pillow out from under your dress?"
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"I like it!"
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"And now, a musical duet"
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"featuring Gonzo the Great and my little nephew, Robin..."
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"Psst! Psst! Uncle Kermit."
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"Gonzo says he can't sing with a long arm."
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"Sweetums is nine feet tall. Oh, well, whatever."
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"Here they are, the low and the mighty, Robin and Sweetums."
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"[♪ Two Lost Souls]"
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"[applause]"
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"Oh, I don't know, Floyd."
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"What is red and woolly and five feet long?"
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"A mitten for Gonzo the Great."
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"Humorous hip persons."
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"Mr. Cleese, what am I gonna do?"
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"Which one are you?"
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"The ugly, disgusting one who catches cannonballs."
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"- Ah, yes. - [sighing] Look at me."
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"Yes, horrible."
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"I know a plastic surgeon who can fix you up."
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"Give you a little Roman number, something cute."
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"No, Mr. Cleese, it's not my nose. It's my arm."
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"Is it? Well, why is it in the middle of your face?"
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"Just forget about the nose, please."
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"I'll try, but I can't promise anything."
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"- Isn't that enough? - Look at the other one."
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"Yes. I think the nose is the problem."
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"[groans] Look, all I want is"
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"All right. Once when I was in the Himalayas, Gonzo,"
The Muppet Show (1976)
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