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Clips from The Muppet Show (1976) - John Cleese (S02E02)

"I met a wise old man who taught me"
The Muppet Show (1976)
"the ancient art of Dowchochingwa."
The Muppet Show (1976)
"- Were both his arms the same length? - As what?"
The Muppet Show (1976)
"- As each other? - Well, some of them were, yes."
The Muppet Show (1976)
"Now, lie down, please."
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"I want you to keep repeating something over and over again."
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"- You understand? - Something, something, something..."
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"- Are you done? - There we are, Gonzo."
The Muppet Show (1976)
"Both your arms are the same length."
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"Oh, no. I wanted them both short."
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"- What? - Short!"
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"Stand up. Are those your legs?"
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"- Yes. - Right, sit."
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"Now, get your arms out of the way. Oh, Gonzo."
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"[straining]"
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"[panting]"
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"- There. Happy? - No, I can't tie my shoes!"
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"- What? - Shoes!"
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"[screams]"
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"- There. All right? - Well..."
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"What?! What?! What?!"
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"You want me to do something else?!"
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"No! I'm fine! Fine, no problem."
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"Good. Well, just pull yourself together."
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"This is Kermit the Frog"
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"talking to you from the planet Koozebane,"
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"where I'm about to interview"
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"the Koozbanian Spooble."
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"Hi there, Kermit. Pleasure to be here."
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"Mmm-hmm."
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"You will note that the Spooble"
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"is composed almost entirely of... liquid."
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"You betcha."
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"Or as they say on Koozebane, we Spoobles are all wet! [chortles]"
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"That's a big joke with us Spoobles."
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"Uh, check."
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"- Listen, do you like my jar? - Your jar?"
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"Oh, it's the latest."
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"See-through sides, convertible top."
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"- I'm not even wearing the cap. - Uh-huh, yeah. It's very nice."
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"My wife said that for a TV interview"
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"I should wear my crystal vase."
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"But, you know, I wanted to be casual."
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"Yeah, well, the jar is just swell."
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"Oh, I'm glad it's not winter."
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"I hate wearing those ugly thermos bottles."
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"Right. OK, there you have it, folks."
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"Once again, it's been an unusual and informative visit"
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"with another creature from another planet, and so..."
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"Listen..."
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"- Well, um... - Aah..."
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"Uh... Well, there you have it, folks,"
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"for the first time in history, a Koozbanian"
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"has been drunk on television."
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"[hiccups]"
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"What do you suppose would happen to a Spooble"
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"if you put him in a kettle and turned the heat on?"
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"Oh, he'd probably get steamed."
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"Now, ladies and gentlemen, here is our very special guest star"
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"to sing, To Dream the Impossible Dream."
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"Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Cleese!"
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"Could I speak to you, please?"
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"- Yeah, what is it, John? - What's going on?"
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"- You just missed your cue, that's all. - What?"
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"That was an intro and then you sing..."
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"- You know, like that. - You can't be serious."
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"- Uh, yeah. - I don't do old show tunes."
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"Oh. Oh, well, I'm sorry. That's our mistake."
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"OK, well, here he is,"
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"our very special guest star, Mr. John Cleese!"
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"[applause]"
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"[♪ Ride of the Valkyries]"
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"[singing in German]"
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"Where's the frog?! Shut up. Shut up!"
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"- Kill the music. Cut the music. - We didn't finish yet."
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"- No, and we're not going to. - I didn't get to do my cadenza."
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"- What is it, John? - Kermit, this is mad."
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"The moment the curtain came down,"
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"three monsters stuffed me into this."
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"- Wagnerian opera? - You'd have loved my cadenza."
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"I'd have hated your lousy cadenza."
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"What can I say, John?"
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"I'm terribly sorry. It's all our fault."
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"We'll just take it again."
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"Give us one last chance, would you?"
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"- One. - [laughing]"
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"OK, well, we had a few false starts here,"
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"- [mariachi music plays] - Right, I'm leaving."
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"Wait, John! Whoa! What's the matter?"
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"Kermit, I am not gonna do"
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"some cloth-eared Mexican maracas solo!"
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"It doesn't have to be a solo, John."
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"- That does not help. - Oh, no? Well, how about this?"
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"Everybody, come on!"
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"[all] ♪ There is no way he'll do a song ♪"
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"♪ We will stop this at once ♪"
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"♪ Oh, we hope this is funny ♪"
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"Right! I'm leaving."
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"♪ He's leaving ♪"
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"♪ He came into our life But now he's leaving ♪"
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"You are supposed to be my host! How can you do this to me?"
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"Kermit, I am your guest!"
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"♪ This is your guest ♪"
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"Bravo!"
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"OK, that about wraps it up for another one, but before we go,"
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"we'd like to have a warm thank you to our special guest star,"
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"Thank you, Kermit."
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"I hope you'll buy my new record album,"
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"John Cleese: A Man and his Music."
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"OK, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show !"
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"[chattering indistinctly]"
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"Well, see you next time."
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"Unless I get lucky and break a leg."
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"Science has discovered a process which may go a long way"
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"[moaning] Oh, these long, late night watches."
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"Ha-ha! This 'ere ship be under siege!"
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"They're asleep. If you want 'em,"
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"We had to capture a ship, you said."
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"Oh, yeah. Me too."
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"Hey, Fozzie, what is red and woolly and five feet long?"
The Muppet Show (1976)
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