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Clips from NewsRadio - Apartment (S05E05)

to spend our coffee break.

"to spend our coffee break."

NewsRadio

That's right, Joe. If it's a choice

"That's right, Joe. If it's a choice"

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you can bet that I will always choose alien autopsy.

"you can bet that I will always choose alien autopsy."

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That's just the way we are here at WNYX.

"That's just the way we are here at WNYX."

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Oh, God. That tickles. Shut up.

"Oh, God. That tickles. Shut up."

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Okay, kids, come on. It's time to decide on the apartment.

"Okay, kids, come on. It's time to decide on the apartment."

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Coming.

"Coming."

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[GLASS SHATTERS]

"[GLASS SHATTERS]"

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the individual stances on the issues.

"the individual stances on the issues."

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So talk to me. Let's get it on.

"So talk to me. Let's get it on."

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Well, I'm a little uncomfortable voting without a secret ballot.

"Well, I'm a little uncomfortable voting without a secret ballot."

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And why is that, Matthew?

"And why is that, Matthew?"

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I'm a little afraid of a reprisal.

"I'm a little afraid of a reprisal."

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From whom?

"From whom?"

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Dave and Max.

"Dave and Max."

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Okay, that's one for Lisa.

"Okay, that's one for Lisa."

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Joe?

"Joe?"

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and I've come to the following conclusion.

"and I've come to the following conclusion."

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to a very impressive array of consumer electronics.

"to a very impressive array of consumer electronics."

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While Lisa, on the other hand,

"While Lisa, on the other hand,"

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has only a stereo and an alarm clock.

"has only a stereo and an alarm clock."

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That stuff's expensive, Joe.

"That stuff's expensive, Joe."

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But you seem to have plenty of those things.

"But you seem to have plenty of those things."

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Well, don't my five electronic toothbrushes

"Well, don't my five electronic toothbrushes"

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count for something?

"count for something?"

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No.

"No."

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Well, they should.

"Well, they should."

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They practically eroded my gums away.

"They practically eroded my gums away."

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It's a really hard decision for me to make

"It's a really hard decision for me to make"

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because Dave and Lisa are both very good friends of mine.

"because Dave and Lisa are both very good friends of mine."

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And they're not always hitting on me like Max is.

"And they're not always hitting on me like Max is."

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But then I started to think, like, what if I slipped up

"But then I started to think, like, what if I slipped up"

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and I said yes to Max? "Yes, you can hit on me."

"and I said yes to Max? "Yes, you can hit on me.""

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Then I would be waking up in the beautiful apartment--

"Then I would be waking up in the beautiful apartment--"

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[CLEARS THROAT] We've got three candidates.

"[CLEARS THROAT] We've got three candidates."

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Three voters. One big-ass deadlock.

"Three voters. One big-ass deadlock."

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I mean, life-changing choices. Maybe sex. Maybe violence.

"I mean, life-changing choices. Maybe sex. Maybe violence."

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Hey, this is-- This is great Internet.

"Hey, this is-- This is great Internet."

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What? What are-- What are you talking about?

"What? What are-- What are you talking about?"

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No. Now, sir, you can't leave this up

"No. Now, sir, you can't leave this up"

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to a random group of strangers.

"to a random group of strangers."

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I can and will. Now scoot.

"I can and will. Now scoot."

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Go on and get out of here. Go on.

"Go on and get out of here. Go on."

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Okay, you. Now what the hell are you supposed to be?

"Okay, you. Now what the hell are you supposed to be?"

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[CLEARS THROAT] Yeah. When Joe, uh--

"[CLEARS THROAT] Yeah. When Joe, uh--"

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When Joe first approached me to play the role of Alien,

"When Joe first approached me to play the role of Alien,"

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I was skeptical myself,

"I was skeptical myself,"

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I realized it's the-- It's the part of a lifetime.

"I realized it's the-- It's the part of a lifetime."

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Matthew, I get it. You're an alien.

"Matthew, I get it. You're an alien."

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would you say human being?

"would you say human being?"

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Probably not.

"Probably not."

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Thank you.

"Thank you."

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Joe.

"Joe."

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Sorry, Julie. Hit the bricks.

"Sorry, Julie. Hit the bricks."

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Hi.

"Hi."

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Joe, does she really work for me?

"Joe, does she really work for me?"

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For the next hour.

"For the next hour."

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Oh. Well, I'll be a dirty bird.

"Oh. Well, I'll be a dirty bird."

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"Decision '99: The Road to The Apartment."

""Decision '99: The Road to The Apartment.""

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Today WNYX gives you the chance to vote

"Today WNYX gives you the chance to vote"

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on which employee deserves a really great apartment.

"on which employee deserves a really great apartment."

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After each candidate speaks, you will

"After each candidate speaks, you will"

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be asked to vote.

"be asked to vote."

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Joe here, will tally up your votes. Thank you, Joe.

"Joe here, will tally up your votes. Thank you, Joe."

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And, uh, the winner will get

"And, uh, the winner will get"

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a letter of recommendation from me,

"a letter of recommendation from me,"

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James James, the man so nice,

"James James, the man so nice,"

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they named him twice.

"they named him twice."

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Okay. Up first, Mr. Dave Nelson. Dave?

"Okay. Up first, Mr. Dave Nelson. Dave?"

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Right there. Thank you so much.

"Right there. Thank you so much."

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Yes. Thank you, sir. Ready, go.

"Yes. Thank you, sir. Ready, go."

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Hi. I'm Dave Nelson and I think I deserve this apartment

"Hi. I'm Dave Nelson and I think I deserve this apartment"

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for one simple reason.

"for one simple reason."

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I saw it first.

"I saw it first."

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because he saw it first.

"because he saw it first."

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Although, yes, technically, he didn't really see it.

"Although, yes, technically, he didn't really see it."

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The native peoples were here first.

"The native peoples were here first."

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All right. Next up is Max Lewis. Max.

"All right. Next up is Max Lewis. Max."

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And go.

"And go."

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Hello.

"Hello."

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I'm Max Lewis, news anchor and family man.

"I'm Max Lewis, news anchor and family man."

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Well, actually, I don't have a family yet.

"Well, actually, I don't have a family yet."

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But with this apartment, I can get the process started

"But with this apartment, I can get the process started"

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by bringing home women.

"by bringing home women."

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Thank you. Next we have Lisa Miller.

"Thank you. Next we have Lisa Miller."

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Li-- Where--? Lisa? Where the hell is Li--? Lisa?

"Li-- Where--? Lisa? Where the hell is Li--? Lisa?"

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LISA: Coming. Come on.

"LISA: Coming. Come on."

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Right here.

"Right here."

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Go. Hi. My name is Lisa Miller.

"Go. Hi. My name is Lisa Miller."

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One of the reasons I wanted an apartment

"One of the reasons I wanted an apartment"

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was so that I could get a dog.

"was so that I could get a dog."

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Like

"Like"

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Daisy. Aw.

"Daisy. Aw."

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Of course, if you don't vote for me,

"Of course, if you don't vote for me,"

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No.

"No."

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I hear some dogs are happier at the pound.

"I hear some dogs are happier at the pound."

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Well, it's over.

"Well, it's over."

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Well, I'm not conceding.

"Well, I'm not conceding."

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Give it up, dude. It's the puppy by a landslide.

"Give it up, dude. It's the puppy by a landslide."

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Well, in that case, let me see him.

"Well, in that case, let me see him."

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He's so cute, isn't he? He's my puppy.

"He's so cute, isn't he? He's my puppy."

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Okay. What? No, she's gonna be pleased as punch.

"Okay. What? No, she's gonna be pleased as punch."

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Yeah. No, thank you. Thank you very much.

"Yeah. No, thank you. Thank you very much."

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Thank you so much, Mr. James.

"Thank you so much, Mr. James."

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Oh, good. Say thank you.

"Oh, good. Say thank you."

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[BABBLING]

"[BABBLING]"

NewsRadio

Okay, that's enough.

"Okay, that's enough."

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And sir, I want to thank you too

"And sir, I want to thank you too"

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for taking me in till I can find a new place.

"for taking me in till I can find a new place."

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Oh, no problem. You know, Fort Awesome

"Oh, no problem. You know, Fort Awesome"

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is a lonely place in the winter.

"is a lonely place in the winter."

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Just me and the hounds, you know?

"Just me and the hounds, you know?"

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Yeah. Yeah, they're a handful.

"Yeah. Yeah, they're a handful."

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But they keep me warm at night.

"But they keep me warm at night."

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God bless their enormous canine hearts.

"God bless their enormous canine hearts."

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Well, I guess that's it for the Internet, Mr. James.

"Well, I guess that's it for the Internet, Mr. James."

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Yeah, it worked too.

"Yeah, it worked too."

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and all that other computer jazz.

"and all that other computer jazz."

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Why are you shutting it down, sir?

"Why are you shutting it down, sir?"

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Because we hit a peak, Dave.

"Because we hit a peak, Dave."

NewsRadio

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