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Clips from Veep - Tears (S01E01)

"Anything out of line, you're looking at a perjury charge."
Veep
"-Fuck! -Don't call attention to yourself, all right?"
Veep
"Just lay low, keep your head down."
Veep
"All right, now let's say this does actually happen"
Veep
"and I get called in, what's it like up there?"
Veep
"You know those dreams where your football coach is screaming at you,"
Veep
"you look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple and then all your teeth fall out?"
Veep
"That's like a Disney version of a congressional committee."
Veep
"You're gonna get hometown, downtown questions."
Veep
"And if they smell blood, if they think that you're going down"
Veep
"That's what it's called where they take your mortal remains"
Veep
"'Cause everybody wants to be the guy getting the TV sound bite, okay?"
Veep
"And they're gonna be talking about you."
Veep
"Thank you so much."
Veep
"Okay, that changes everything."
Veep
"She’s someone I know you know very well."
Veep
"-Hey, come here. -Relax, okay?"
Veep
"I spoke to her. You spoke to her."
Veep
"She's not gonna fucking endorse."
Veep
"So just, when we give you the nod, give her the signal, all right?"
Veep
"And now you want me to unfix it?"
Veep
"I think he's wrapping up, so..."
Veep
"-Okay. -How you feeling?"
Veep
"Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm an emotional time bomb."
Veep
"So here's an idea, let's put me onstage."
Veep
"Come on, what are you waiting for? Give her the signal."
Veep
"What the fuck is the signal?"
Veep
"Oh, my goodness. Well, this has been"
Veep
"quite the day, hasn’t it?"
Veep
"WOMAN: We love you!"
Veep
"That's three strikes and you're out."
Veep
"It's like they're fucking tidal."
Veep
"Such a happy occasion, and..."
Veep
"I’m so glad to be here in the 17th state of the union."
Veep
"We used to say, We’re awfully embarrassed"
Veep
"by our buckteeth."
Veep
"(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)"
Veep
"-No, be strong. -He was the best."
Veep
"He was such a strong man"
Veep
"from a great state."
Veep
"I’ve come here today"
Veep
"to give my 100% support"
Veep
"to Congressman Roger Furlong"
Veep
"So great to be part of your feel-good moment."
Veep
"-You're a dirty little prick. -(BOTH LAUGHING)"
Veep
"Oh, boy. Thank you so much."
Veep
"Did you see the Chicago Tribune?"
Veep
"Oh, this is so great. I've never enjoyed reading this much."
Veep
"You know, my mom said that Selina looked human and vulnerable."
Veep
"-Great. -Not a compliment."
Veep
"She sees human vulnerability as a weakness."
Veep
"-I like your mom. -Don't talk about my mother, Dan."
Veep
"I've seen it, I've read it, I've eaten it,"
Veep
"I've showered in it. I'm back, my babies."
Veep
"Yeah, you are. Like rubber Jesus. (LAUGHING)"
Veep
"And, Dan, get over here and shake my hand."
Veep
"Seriously, getting me to endorse Furlong."
Veep
"Come on, guys. Give it up for him."
Veep
"Absolutely great."
Veep
"You know none of these people genuinely like you."
Veep
"So fucking what?"
Veep
"Hey, everyone. Oh, hey!"
Veep
"Hey, it's about time. Thank you."
Veep
"Hey, Mike."
Veep
"POTUS is so excited about this new narrative."
Veep
"I engineered Selina crying on camera."
Veep
"Pinocchio wasn't the puppet master, Mike. He was the puppet."
Veep
"Jonah, do you come bearing news from the gentleman's club?"
Veep
"-Oh! -As you know, he called."
Veep
"Sue, did the President call?"
Veep
"No."
Veep
"But he and we are very..."
Veep
"So now I have a very big announcement to make."
Veep
"I'd like everyone to follow me into my office, please."
Veep
"This-a-way. Okay, so I am about to announce a certain realignment."
Veep
"Oh, Mike. I am sorry for your loss."
Veep
"Dan, you're getting a promotion."
Veep
"Wow. Yeah!"
Veep
"-Thank you so much. Thank you. -You're welcome."
Veep
"You'll be the new director of policy and presentation."
Veep
"Thank you, ma'am. This is all I've ever wanted."
Veep
"This is all I've never wanted."
Veep
"Is he... ls Dan my boss now?"
Veep
"I guess I've got some business to attend to."
Veep
"I'm assuming I'm safe."
Veep
"All right, so first order of business is to issue a press release,"
Veep
"Colette, if you would do the honors."
Veep
"In the me file under phase one."
Veep
"I need you to move this desk."
Veep
"Let's go. Don't give me that sad orphan face, all right?"
Veep
"-Hey, Dan. -Yes?"
Veep
"Congrats on the big promotion. You and I should grab another drink."
Veep
"I'm not gonna have you eyeballing me all day."
Veep
"-That's not gonna go right there. -Relax, cow eyes."
Veep
"-Shit, Shit. -What? What? What?"
Veep
"You're trending, ma'am."
Veep
"I'm on Twitter, but it wants me to create a new account."
Veep
"-I don't know how to do this. -Well, then do that."
Veep
"Amy, what the fuck? What is it, Amy?"
Veep
"This is the reporter from Ohio, Felicia."
Veep
"Wait, wait. No, I got it. I got it."
Veep
"Got played by Team Veep. They wanted me to make her cry."
Veep
"Hashtag Fakeveepweep. What the fuck?"
Veep
"What? Who wanted to make me cry?"
Veep
"Actually, he said he was your Pinocchio,"
Veep
"-What the fuck, Mike? -What the fuck, Mike?"
Veep
"Amy, get into my office. Mike, especially you."
Veep
"Go into my office. Okay."
Veep
"Holy Christ. Look at the size of this one."
Veep
"Buddy, I think you're as big as my gay dwarf."
Veep
"I need to see the Vice President now."
Veep
"Sorry, I don't work here. I do work in the West..."
Veep
"-Pisa. -No."
Veep
"-Shit? -Good."
Veep
"Congressman, if you call me that again, you'll need to see a paramedic."
Veep
"-Take care of that. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa."
Veep
"-Big bully, what are you doing? -You think that I'm a crybaby?"
Veep
"Sorry to barge in, Madam Vice President."
Veep
"Yeah, Larry, listen. Furlong is in the office."
Veep
"Don't talk to Furlong. You need to keep a low profile."
Veep
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