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Clips from Mr. Mayor - Pilot (S01E01)

"- Okay, is this an anxiety attack,"
Mr. Mayor
"or are you just bragging? - It's both!"
Mr. Mayor
"I mean, everything thinks I copied your straw ban idea."
Mr. Mayor
"Because of me, he won 68% of the vote."
Mr. Mayor
"You have to take yours back. - I can't do that."
Mr. Mayor
"- He won 68% of the 8% of people who voted,"
Mr. Mayor
"- Do you know what Veda said? - Who's Veda?"
Mr. Mayor
"which, by the way, never tell him."
Mr. Mayor
"- She said that the straw ban was exactly the kind"
Mr. Mayor
"of frivolous thing she would expect"
Mr. Mayor
"What matters is that he's in! - But he's not qualified."
Mr. Mayor
"from a rich, white man's daughter."
Mr. Mayor
"He thinks Santa Monica is part of Los Angeles."
Mr. Mayor
"- Okay. - She called us rich!"
Mr. Mayor
"- So he's not perfect. - Perfect?"
Mr. Mayor
"- No, I'm rich. You're my plus-one."
Mr. Mayor
"Tommy, that toy phone makes farm animal sounds."
Mr. Mayor
"Look, you tell Veda that I was born in a walk-up"
Mr. Mayor
"- Remember, election is not marriage."
Mr. Mayor
"in Crown Heights. - [groans]"
Mr. Mayor
"You're not trying to find "the one.""
Mr. Mayor
"- I slept in one bed with both my grandfathers."
Mr. Mayor
"It's like dating. It's not going to be perfect."
Mr. Mayor
"And one of them had something called erotic dementia."
Mr. Mayor
"Or fun, or good, or fulfilling,"
Mr. Mayor
"- I hate that story, and I hate that you're mayor."
Mr. Mayor
"but you do it so your mom can brag at church."
Mr. Mayor
"And I hate that we had to move"
Mr. Mayor
"- Okay, I took this job"
Mr. Mayor
"into this gross, old mayor house!"
Mr. Mayor
"as a short, high-paying PR challenge."
Mr. Mayor
"- You think I like this house?"
Mr. Mayor
"Now, we won, and I'm supposed to just, what?"
Mr. Mayor
"I can't figure out the AC."
Mr. Mayor
"Work for the city?"
Mr. Mayor
"All my cigars are going bad."
Mr. Mayor
"That's not content my followers wanna see."
Mr. Mayor
"[glass shatters]"
Mr. Mayor
"- Well, bail if you want to."
Mr. Mayor
"Oh! My watches."
Mr. Mayor
"I am excited about being a part of this administration."
Mr. Mayor
"."
Mr. Mayor
"- Really, you're telling me you're all-in?"
Mr. Mayor
"- Hey, turn on the TV..."
Mr. Mayor
"On this guy? - No."
Mr. Mayor
"Jeez, you guys look nice."
Mr. Mayor
"I'm very open to the idea of a robot police force."
Mr. Mayor
"A couple of ventriloquist dummies."
Mr. Mayor
"Thank you for reminding me."
Mr. Mayor
"- I think he's a charismatic, open-minded independent."
Mr. Mayor
"Anyway, there's this thing on TV."
Mr. Mayor
"So if you can't get on board,"
Mr. Mayor
"I just thought you should check it out."
Mr. Mayor
"then you should get the hell out of my bed."
Mr. Mayor
"It seems urgent."
Mr. Mayor
"- Ew, "West Wing," have a seat. I haven't decided yet."
Mr. Mayor
"- And I wanna say that this plastic straw ban"
Mr. Mayor
"But if I do stay,"
Mr. Mayor
"is an affront to our entire community."
Mr. Mayor
"And I will never allow it. - What?"
Mr. Mayor
"we have to figure out a plan for that guy."
Mr. Mayor
"Who is this? I hate her haircut."
Mr. Mayor
"- Who? Jayden?"
Mr. Mayor
"- That's Arpi Meskimen, District 13 Councilwoman."
Mr. Mayor
"He's a holdover. We can fire him."
Mr. Mayor
"She represents East Hollywood, Little Bangladesh,"
Mr. Mayor
"- That's gonna change with my administration."
Mr. Mayor
"and the Hollywood Forever Cemetery."
Mr. Mayor
"Yeah, anyone else? Anybody?"
Mr. Mayor
"But she's super liberal."
Mr. Mayor
"- Or do we keep him?"
Mr. Mayor
"Why would she be against the straw ban?"
Mr. Mayor
"Whenever it's time to throw someone under a bus,"
Mr. Mayor
"- A ban on bendable plastic straws"
Mr. Mayor
"he could be our bus meat."
Mr. Mayor
"is blatant discrimination against quadriplegics"
Mr. Mayor
"- Everyone who works for this great city"
Mr. Mayor
"or any Angeleno with limited use of their hands."
Mr. Mayor
"- Oh. - Oh."
Mr. Mayor
"is essential and productive. - [grunts]"
Mr. Mayor
"- They call themselves quaddies, or chairdogs."
Mr. Mayor
"- That's all I ask of my team."
Mr. Mayor
"- No, we don't."
Mr. Mayor
"And it's the very least that the people of Los Angeles"
Mr. Mayor
"- Oh! I'm sorry."
Mr. Mayor
"should expect from this office."
Mr. Mayor
"My nephew must have been pranking me."
Mr. Mayor
"Come on. - He really is something."
Mr. Mayor
"Mayor Bremer,"
Mr. Mayor
"I'll make sure his desk is near ours."
Mr. Mayor
"memorize this face."
Mr. Mayor
"Zoom in on me."
Mr. Mayor
"Phone, remind me to..."
Mr. Mayor
"Fine. I'll come to you."
Mr. Mayor
"I've got your number, Bremer."
Mr. Mayor
"- Topple the patriarchy!"
Mr. Mayor
"Like underwear bought in a drugstore,"
Mr. Mayor
"[cheers and applause]"
Mr. Mayor
"you're not gonna last two months."
Mr. Mayor
"Believe me, no one here is more disappointed"
Mr. Mayor
"- Oh, this is not good, guys."
Mr. Mayor
"in the outcome of our recent mayoral election than me."
Mr. Mayor
"- Than I!"
Mr. Mayor
"- Yeah, someone needs to tell the mayor."
Mr. Mayor
"- When I am elected sophomore class president,"
Mr. Mayor
"- Yes, Jayden, and when you do that,"
Mr. Mayor
"I will ban all plastic straws from school property,"
Mr. Mayor
"emphasize how bad the optics are."
Mr. Mayor
"It's day one, and this straw thing"
Mr. Mayor
"not just because they choke sea turtles and jellyfish--"
Mr. Mayor
"is not the hill you wanna die on, okay?"
Mr. Mayor
"- In Latin, cnidaria. - Cnidaria."
Mr. Mayor
"- Wait, me go tell him? - Mm-hmm."
Mr. Mayor
"But because drinking through a straw"
Mr. Mayor
"- I'm on it!"
Mr. Mayor
"is a phallic lie."
Mr. Mayor
"Girls have mouths, and it's time for us to use them!"
Mr. Mayor
"I'll see you guys at the party. [giggles]"
Mr. Mayor
"[cheers and applause]"
Mr. Mayor
"Hey, but not if you see me first."
Mr. Mayor
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