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Clips from American Dad! - Tearjerker (S03E03)

"And let me tell you, you... should probably get tested."
American Dad!
"Whoops."
American Dad!
"Douche!"
American Dad!
"Why don't you shut up? Is he in?"
American Dad!
"It also stars Matthew McConaughey as Karen Allen."
American Dad!
"I don't know, sir. Was Lady in the Water a cover for anything?"
American Dad!
"Could be. You know who's gonna find out?"
American Dad!
"So, what new gadgets have you got for me, S?"
American Dad!
"Yeah, see? If you were a woman, you'd have some pretty big cans by now."
American Dad!
"Oh, um, Mr. Schmear, I'm writing a paper on the history of cinema."
American Dad!
"# The tears of a clown #"
American Dad!
"A 16-hour flight for a bad pun?"
American Dad!
"Your mission is to go to the spa and find out what's going on."
American Dad!
"The spa is owned by mysterious business tycoon, Tearjerker."
American Dad!
"But, sir, how do I get into the resort?"
American Dad!
"Go challenge him to a game of chance and win yourself an invitation."
American Dad!
"Beer. Shaken, not stirred."
American Dad!
"- I don't get with no whore. - Another martini for Tearjerker."
American Dad!
"Well, perhaps I can play you for an invitation. Name your game."
American Dad!
"- Yeah, I don't know how to play that. - Okay then. Craps."
American Dad!
"I guess I'll see you on the Teardrop Islands."
American Dad!
"- Did you get it? - Yes, baby."
American Dad!
"I had a pickle an hour ago. Came with my Reuben."
American Dad!
"I am a huge fan, Mr. Depp. What are you reading there?"
American Dad!
"A film I just signed on to do with Spielberg."
American Dad!
"I'm gonna need you guys to go give our guests..."
American Dad!
"Sharon Stone's baby is afraid of her. Just like the rest of us."
American Dad!
"Hello again, Mr. Smith."
American Dad!
"You're doing a crappy Tchochkie Schmear movie instead of working with Spielberg?"
American Dad!
"- Get off me, man. - Come on. Drink it like a bird!"
American Dad!
"in Tim Burton's hair-"
American Dad!
"- Sexpun? - Stan, Tearjerker only invited you here..."
American Dad!
"in the worst films imaginable."
American Dad!
"This is all so Tearjerker can get people to see a movie?"
American Dad!
"I know because I'm not an idiot, Michael!"
American Dad!
"Look, I went through the same thing with Lily, and she's at Yale now."
American Dad!
"Just talk to him. And by talk, I really mean listen."
American Dad!
"Never hire a contractor just because he's gorgeous."
American Dad!
"- Not really. I just need to know- - The year was 2002."
American Dad!
"that your son is mentally retarded."
American Dad!
"Oscar, no! You can't have that!"
American Dad!
"Oscar, I- I have some bad news for you."
American Dad!
"And it took the death ofhis best friend..."
American Dad!
"right after Coca-Cola's Movie Quiz."
American Dad!
"Your fiendish plan is working perfectly."
American Dad!
"Well, this is it. We're gonna cry to death!"
American Dad!
"- Stan? - Yes, Sexpun?"
American Dad!
"- Yes. - I just remembered S. Gave me that ring!"
American Dad!
"Um, Tearjerker, something's wrong."
American Dad!
"Why is everyone leaving? Why aren't they staying and dying?"
American Dad!
"Celebrity babies! They're all going home to see them online!"
American Dad!
"Okay, Matt Damon and Lucy Liu, you're next."
American Dad!
"No-o-o! This isn't over, Smith."
American Dad!
"You think so? Well, guess again!"
American Dad!
"I'll be back, Mr. Smith. I've written another film."
American Dad!
"Mike, you're the worst contractor ever!"
American Dad!
"What? That's not good?"
American Dad!
"Bye. Have a beautiful time."
American Dad!
"I've had sex with a lot of women."
American Dad!
"Smith, I don't need your help!"
American Dad!
"Nobody needs America's help... until they need it."
American Dad!
"# Still rock in America #"
American Dad!
"Ah! What the hell?"
American Dad!
"Wait! You're a gun? I always thought you were, like, an eyeball or something!"
American Dad!
"- Morning, Peacenickel. - Morning, government sanctioned murderer."
American Dad!
"Oh, Peacenickel."
American Dad!
"Smith, sit down."
American Dad!
"This is Tchochkie Schmear, a ruthless, international arms dealer..."
American Dad!
"who is now suddenly producing movies."
American Dad!
"As we speak, he is shooting 20 films, all with A-list celebrities."
American Dad!
"But according to our intel, they're absolutely atrocious."
American Dad!
"- How bad can they really be? - His latest film is Bark of the Covenant."
American Dad!
"It's a remake of Raiders with a German Shepherd as Indiana Jones."
American Dad!
"We need you to infiltrate the set and find out what he's up to."
American Dad!
"- Me? - Bingo."
American Dad!
"Seems like an ordinary, fancy gold pen, right? Turn the top."
American Dad!
"it makes her breasts grow bigger."
American Dad!
"Don't you have anything a little more... useful?"
American Dad!
"Ah, right, right. Perhaps you'll like this."
American Dad!
"Here's your coffee, Mr. McConaughey."
American Dad!
"And thanks for hiring me as your college intern, Mr. Schmear."
American Dad!
"And I was wondering, um, are you making so many bad movies at once..."
American Dad!
"as part of some evil plot to dominate the world?"
American Dad!
"And also, I need to leave early on Friday..."
American Dad!
"What did you do? Was there milk in that coffee?"
American Dad!
"Stop!"
American Dad!
"Take my hand."
American Dad!
"This isn't McConaughey! It's a robot!"
American Dad!
"Thank you, Tchochkie."
American Dad!
"Well, Professor, it appears your crappy robots still malfunction when they drink milk."
American Dad!
"Yeah, that's ridiculous. The contractor who built this place screwed me good."
American Dad!
"Gums, he's stuck on the death slide."
American Dad!
"Mani, Pedi, dance for me!"
American Dad!
"# When there's no one around ##"
American Dad!
"Of course, sir. But why are we dressed up like this?"
American Dad!
"Because I thought we could be secret Asians."
American Dad!
"Yes. Yes."
American Dad!
"So you think it was milk that made the McConaughey robot go crazy?"
American Dad!
"and why was he replaced with a robot?"
American Dad!
"that before McConaughey agreed to do Tchochkie's film..."
American Dad!
"Tearjerker's a notorious gambler who's currently at the casino in Monte Carlo."
American Dad!
"Oh. Looks like I've got a bite."
American Dad!
"What is your drink, sir?"
American Dad!
"Looks like you got yourself a cigarette there."
American Dad!
"I'm Sexpun T'Come."
American Dad!
"I get a good feeling from you."
American Dad!
"I didn't really ask who you were, but okay."
American Dad!
"Yeah, I don't get that either. I mean, seven's good. But then seven's not good."
American Dad!
"How do you play the horn? Then they get mad at me-"
American Dad!
"Okay, okay. Perhaps you should name your game."
American Dad!
"But I must warn you! I never lose."
American Dad!
"- You go first. - Thank you."
American Dad!
"Six thousand."
American Dad!
"Seventeen thousand."
American Dad!
"Well played."
American Dad!
"I trust you'll enjoy my spa, Mr. Stan Smith of the C.I.A."
American Dad!
"In fact, you'll like it so much..."
American Dad!
"you'll never leave."
American Dad!
"Oh, my God! You smell that?"
American Dad!
"Huh, milk shake. So you're not a robot."
American Dad!
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