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Clips from Louie - Pilot (S01E01)

"Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry"
Louie
"But I have two children, and that's the only thing I'm comfortable with in life anymore."
Louie
"I know how to take care of a couple of kids."
Louie
"I just-- I deal with the stress better than they do."
Louie
"Hey. Hey, this is pretty great. We get to go on a trip, huh?"
Louie
"What is this, a cab? We're-- The Bronx Botanical Gardens."
Louie
"Just take the West Side Highway and I'll find out."
Louie
"You'd better."
Louie
"Are we gonna hit that?"
Louie
"I'm putting darker kids in the window seats--"
Louie
"All right, listen up, eyes on me."
Louie
"...and we are gonna get ourselves home, okay?"
Louie
"There are people who just starve to death. That's all they ever did."
Louie
"And then they just die."
Louie
"...because I could trade my Infiniti for, like, a really good car..."
Louie
"...and I'd get back like $20,000."
Louie
"And I could save hundreds of people from dying of starvation with that money..."
Louie
"Or you'll date for a long time, she'll have sex with your friend..."
Louie
"...or you will with one of hers, and that'll be shitty."
Louie
"Well, please keep it down out here, because I'm not wearing any clothing..."
Louie
"This is my home."
Louie
"I said I'm coming."
Louie
"What are you wearing? Where are we going?"
Louie
"No, no, no. He-- It was a long time ago, he died."
Louie
"Oh, thanks."
Louie
"Oh, let me-- All right."
Louie
"Yeah, I should probably get around the door."
Louie
"You don't wanna do that? That's fine."
Louie
"I'm a very nice person."
Louie
"I'm nice and I'm warm, and I know that I'm not being that right now..."
Louie
"It's really good food here. I'm sure it is."
Louie
"Okay, we're back. Awesome."
Louie
"Look, I...."
Louie
"I'm not very good at dating. Really? I think you're doing great."
Louie
"I'm sorry if I'm not the Fonz all over the place."
Louie
"I have two little girls. Aww."
Louie
"Why aren't you nervous to be with me?"
Louie
"It's true, everything that makes you happy is going to end at some point..."
Louie
"Look at what I brought home."
Louie
"And he goes, I'd have to just remove his whole snout..."
Louie
"So I bring the dog to the vet."
Louie
"I mean, it was arranged. I didn't sneak out and leave my dog. We had no money."
Louie
"And I asked the vet-- I made the mistake of asking the vet:"
Louie
"Daddy, where are we going? I'm taking you to your mom's house."
Louie
"Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie"
Louie
"Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah"
Louie
"Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie"
Louie
"Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie"
Louie
"Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah"
Louie
"Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie"
Louie
"Louie, Louie, you're gonna die"
Louie
"Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie"
Louie
"I'm 41 and I'm single."
Louie
"Not really single, just alone."
Louie
"I don't like French toast. Well, sorry, that's what we're having."
Louie
"Mommy doesn't make us French toast."
Louie
"I go to my daughter's school to volunteer sometimes."
Louie
"My daughter goes to a public school."
Louie
"I volunteer not because I'm a good person but because you have to..."
Louie
"...because nobody works there."
Louie
"There's just nobody there."
Louie
"You go in this school, like thousands of kids, and go:"
Louie
"Where is any grown-up right now?"
Louie
"And I usually go for lunch and recess."
Louie
"That's when they really need grown-ups, is for lunch..."
Louie
"...to volunteer in the cafeteria, because they only--"
Louie
"They have 300 kids eating..."
Louie
"...and they have one Jamaican lady watching all of them."
Louie
"It doesn't matter that she's Jamaican, but it totally does..."
Louie
"...because there's nobody who can be mean..."
Louie
"...to 300 children just in the way that the Jamaican lady--"
Louie
"And it's not her fault, she's outnumbered, 300 kids to one."
Louie
"Gandhi would be like, Shut up!"
Louie
"So my job as a volunteer is to stand there, near my daughter so I can be with her..."
Louie
"Usually, they need help opening a milk, because they can't open their milks."
Louie
"They can't do it..."
Louie
"...because it's 2009..."
Louie
"...and we still put milk in this little paper box."
Louie
"Put it in a bottle. I don't know why we're doing it. It's torture."
Louie
"We put it in this envelope..."
Louie
"...that was invented by some Dutch **** in 1773."
Louie
"It's too subtle an idea, a design, for a 7-year-old to peel back the paper..."
Louie
"...and then gather it forward into a spout shape."
Louie
"And they-- And the glue is vicious..."
Louie
"...and they end up drinking out of this finger-filth disease spout."
Louie
"So they can't do it, so they raise their hand, and I do it for them."
Louie
"I'm not better at it."
Louie
"I don't cry like a little bitch because I can't open my milk."
Louie
"I'm a man."
Louie
"Hi, Daddy. Hey, honey."
Louie
"Just find a seat near the front, okay? I'll be on in a minute. Hi, kids."
Louie
"All right, everyone on the bus and quiet down, okay?"
Louie
"Hey, Susan. Hey."
Louie
"Thanks for helping me today. No problem."
Louie
"All right, kids, let's go. All right."
Louie
"Violet? Violet?"
Louie
"What? You wanna go somewhere."
Louie
"Where do you wanna go?"
Louie
"We're going to the Bronx Botanical Gardens."
Louie
"Okay, how do you get there?"
Louie
"What? - Violet?"
Louie
"How do we get there?"
Louie
"How do you not know this? How?"
Louie
"Look, just-- Sir, go to-- Sir, can you just go uptown, okay?"
Louie
"Hey, go to the Bronx."
Louie
"We're moving, we're moving! This is fun."
Louie
"Yep."
Louie
"Hello, is this the Bronx--? Is this the Bronx Botanical Garden?"
Louie
"Hello, yes?"
Louie
"Yeah, hi, I'm sorry, I'm on a school bus full of children, I--"
Louie
"That's okay."
Louie
"Can you give me directions to where you are from the West Side Highway?"
Louie
"You can't be on the West Side Highway. Well, we're on it right now."
Louie
"Sir, it's illegal to take a bus on that highway."
Louie
"But...."
Louie
"Sir, do you know that it's illegal to take a bus on this road?"
Louie
"I don't know, man."
Louie
"You told me to take the West Side Highway, so I'm on it."
Louie
"I don't know. Why don't you go sit down somewhere?"
Louie
"Oh, shit."
Louie
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