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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Has a Birthday! (S01E01)

"Oh, excuse me, sir?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Sir?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Today is my birthday."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"The big 30-oh."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I need alcohol for my party,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and these are the only picture IDs that I have."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"In the '90s, Mr. T visited kids with low test scores"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"as part of his "I Pity the School" program."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"So if I give you money, could you buy booze for me?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I got some liquor in my van."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You can have all you want, if you come to my van."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Your van?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Awesome."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"What is wrong with you, Kimbecile?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Thank God I was out for my morning run..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"to the gas station bathroom."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I just turned 30."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I know the exact minute I was born"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"'cause it was in my mom's lawsuit"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"against the roller coaster."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"30? Whoop, that's a big one."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"30's when women go baby crazy and start making lists"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"of everything they haven't done."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
""I haven't gone to Africa yet.""
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Girl, you are not going to Africa."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Not me. I'm nothing but pumped."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Well, I hope tonight's everything"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"you want it to be, baby girl."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"To quote Virginia Slim, a skinny Southern drag queen I know,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
""You've come a long way, baby.""
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Uh, doy!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm getting my diploma, I have a boyfriend,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and I finally have a bra that fits right,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"thanks to that bra salesman in the other van."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Damn it, Kimmy."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Unbreakable"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"They alive, damn it"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"It's a miracle"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Unbreakable"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"They alive, damn it"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But females are strong as hell"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Unbreakable"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"They alive, damn it"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"It's a miracle"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Unbreakable"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"They alive, damn it"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"That's gonna be, uh..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"you know, a fascinating transition."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Damn it"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"So what did you get me for my birthday?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Huh?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Adults don't get gifts on their birthday."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"What? That's insane."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Are you making that up just because"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"you haven't gotten me anything?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"How dare you!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I got you the greatest gift of all."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I am writing you a song."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"A song? Really?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Gee, that sounds like a lot of work."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Yes, it does."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"It really does, Titus."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Gosh darn mommy-fudger."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"What the ham sandwich are you doing here?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Surprise! Happy birthday, honey!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I hate you, Kimmy!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Hey, that's no way to talk to your sister."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Sister? Sister?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Well, sweet Tia and Tamera Mowry."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Is this your family?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"They are not my family."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oh!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Donna Maria, I never thought I'd see you again."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Is something you should remember"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"as I introduce you to Gina."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You are not real."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"This is a dream. You are not real."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Kimmy!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- Thank God you're okay. - Who are you?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm Randy Peterson, and I was the lead detective on your case."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I didn't actually find you."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"An FBI psychic pig found you."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But being on this case is how I met your mother,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"which, by the way, is the name of a terrific television program"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"you missed but can now binge-watch on Netflix."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Boy, I envy you."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"So you know my mother,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"who, shocker, didn't show up today?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Know her? I'm married to her."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And I would've made sure she was here today,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"but I don't know where she is."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I guess knowing where people is is not exactly my..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"is it pronounced "fortay" or "fort"?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"So while I was missing, my mom married the guy"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"who didn't find me and then took off again."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And she had another daughter."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"This is your sister, Kymmi."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You named her Kimmy?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"No, Kymmi."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"K-Y-M-M-I, Kymmi."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"That is not a name."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I hate you, Kimmy."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Look, I know you came here all the way from Indiana,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"but I don't want you in my life."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"All you do is remind me of something"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"that I've actually been doing a pretty good job"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"of putting behind me."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"The bunker?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Yes, Randy."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"The bunker."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm sorry, but I don't want you here."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Boy, driving to New York sure was a great idea, Dad."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Hey, what did I say about using sarcasm, little lady?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"That you're not sure how it works."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Exactly."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But look, if this is too much for you, I understand."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"We probably shouldn't have barged in on you like this."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I just wanted to bring you your birthday present in person."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Well, here you go."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
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