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Clips from MacGruber - Brimstone (S01E01)

"Tiger Company, the most elite special ops unit"
MacGruber
"in the world had just gone rogue,"
MacGruber
"and their leader, Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth,"
MacGruber
"had just gotten his hands on the most devastating"
MacGruber
"chemical weapon the world has ever known--"
MacGruber
"Brimstone."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine,"
MacGruber
"six, nine, number sign."
MacGruber
"[keypad beeps]"
MacGruber
"But what Queeth didn't know is that Tiger Company had a mole."
MacGruber
"Well, a mole-Gruber."
MacGruber
"Long story short, I stole Brimstone"
MacGruber
"and left Queeth and his men to die"
MacGruber
"in a Burkina Fasonian prison."
MacGruber
"Only problem, they didn't die."
MacGruber
"And now Queeth will do anything to get his hands on this stuff,"
MacGruber
"but luckily for us,"
MacGruber
"I hid it where Queeth will never find it."
MacGruber
"Right through this door."
MacGruber
"Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine,"
MacGruber
"six, nine, number sign."
MacGruber
"[keypad beeps]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Why didn't you just destroy it?"
MacGruber
"- Piper, someone worked very hard on this."
MacGruber
"And now the moment we've all been waiting for."
MacGruber
"Did Queeth beat us to it, or did we beat Queeth?"
MacGruber
"Six, nine, six, nine, six, nine, six, nine."
MacGruber
"No number sign. [keypad beeps]"
MacGruber
"[pneumatic hissing]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"Oh, thank God. Yes! - [sighs]"
MacGruber
"- Fuck yeah. And crisis averted."
MacGruber
"Fucking liar."
MacGruber
"- What do you mean liar? - Oh, just a detail."
MacGruber
"Queeth lied to me, said he already had this thing."
MacGruber
"- But why would he lie to you about having it?"
MacGruber
"- I don't know, some people just like to lie."
MacGruber
"You know, it makes them feel like"
MacGruber
"they can hang with the big boys,"
MacGruber
"but sadly, Queeth is munching our farts on this one."
MacGruber
"Fucking dumbass."
MacGruber
"I mean, this is such a great series of wins for me."
MacGruber
"He fucking lies to me about having it,"
MacGruber
"and I know he's lying, that's win number one."
MacGruber
"Then I escape like a fucking badass,"
MacGruber
"that's win number two."
MacGruber
"And now I have the thing he desperately needs."
MacGruber
"I don't know if you're counting, but I am,"
MacGruber
"and that's win number two."
MacGruber
"- So he lied to you and said he already had Brimstone."
MacGruber
"- Yes."
MacGruber
"- And then you somehow escaped."
MacGruber
"- Heroically and against all odds, yes."
MacGruber
"- Yeah, they let you go."
MacGruber
"- Practically, right?"
MacGruber
"- No, I mean, they let you out on purpose."
MacGruber
"- What? Ha. I assure you, they did not."
MacGruber
"- Why don't you tell us a little more"
MacGruber
"about this crazy escape of yours?"
MacGruber
"- I'd fucking love to take you through it."
MacGruber
"Yes, so there I am at this freaky underground lair,"
MacGruber
"naked, hanging schlong for all to see."
MacGruber
"And I didn't even fucking care, right?"
MacGruber
"I sense an opening,"
MacGruber
"and I just fucking rip out of my restraints"
MacGruber
"and fight my way through the guy who was watching me."
MacGruber
"- Wait, they left you with just one guy?"
MacGruber
"- Yeah, but he was, like, a super fucking badass."
MacGruber
"Like, one of the toughest blind guys you'll ever see."
MacGruber
"- Sorry, they left you with a blind guy?"
MacGruber
"- Oh, yeah, and it was so fucking terrifying."
MacGruber
"You point that guy in the right direction,"
MacGruber
"he's like a guided missile."
MacGruber
"Oh, Constantine Bach. You guys know him. Remember?"
MacGruber
"Yeah, apparently, he didn't die in that explosion."
MacGruber
"Anyway, so there was this scalpel on a tray"
MacGruber
"that was right next to me, and when the blind guy,"
MacGruber
"Constantine, turned away for a sec--"
MacGruber
"stupid fucking move, right?"
MacGruber
"It gave me more than enough time to free myself."
MacGruber
"And then I just hand to hand combatted him,"
MacGruber
"burned him alive with his own flamethrower,"
MacGruber
"skinned him--it was my first time doing that--"
MacGruber
"and then escaped."
MacGruber
"So you still think they let me out?"
MacGruber
"- 100%. - I think maybe they did."
MacGruber
"- [laughs] Yeah, that makes sense."
MacGruber
"They let me out so I could immediately race right here"
MacGruber
"and stop them from getting the one thing they wanted?"
MacGruber
"- Yeah, they didn't know where it was."
MacGruber
"You led them right to it."
MacGruber
"- Oh, my God, Piper."
MacGruber
"We are so embarrassed for you. - [mouthing words]"
MacGruber
"- You have so much fucking egg on your face."
MacGruber
"I mean, do you hear yourself when you talk?"
MacGruber
"If I had led them right to it then they would be here by--"
MacGruber
"[door clangs open] Whoa, whoa, there they are."
MacGruber
"- MacGruber."
MacGruber
"- Hello, Queeth."
MacGruber
"- Thanks for leading us to your little hiding place."
MacGruber
"- So this was all a set up?"
MacGruber
"- You really catch on quick."
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- And you catch on slow and low."
MacGruber
"You're such a dumb piece of shit."
MacGruber
"See, I knew that was your plan all along,"
MacGruber
"so I made the very smart decision to counterplan you."
MacGruber
"Net drop!"
MacGruber
"So where were we?"
MacGruber
"- It was something about a counterplan."
MacGruber
"- Ah, yes, the counterplan."
MacGruber
"I mean, do you honestly believe"
MacGruber
"that I would lead you right to Brimstone?"
MacGruber
"Well then, think again."
MacGruber
"Then think again and then think again"
MacGruber
"and again and again and again, 'cause that ain't this"
MacGruber
"and this ain't that."
MacGruber
"- Then you'll let me have it."
MacGruber
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