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Clips from MacGruber - Brimstone (S01E01)

"- What? What mission?"
MacGruber
"- MacGruber."
MacGruber
"I came as soon as I could."
MacGruber
"- And the gang's all here."
MacGruber
"Look, we got a lot to cover, Vicki."
MacGruber
"Piper's already been debriefed. - Hey, Vicki."
MacGruber
"- Hi, Piper. Look, I'm sorry."
MacGruber
"You guys have to leave. You cannot be here right now."
MacGruber
"Tonight is a very important night"
MacGruber
"for me and my husband, who will be home any second."
MacGruber
"- Vicki, please just hear us out."
MacGruber
"Two days ago, I was dropped off in the desert"
MacGruber
"and exchanged for a little girl and a fucking dog."
MacGruber
"And you'll never guess who was behind it."
MacGruber
"- Queeth. - Piper!"
MacGruber
"- What? You told me."
MacGruber
"- Yeah, but Vicki didn't know yet."
MacGruber
"Remind me to mess up your next big story"
MacGruber
"that you're excited to tell."
MacGruber
"So yeah, anyway it was Queeth."
MacGruber
"- I'm sorry, I don't know who that is."
MacGruber
"- Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth."
MacGruber
"- Piper! - Jesus Christ."
MacGruber
"- No, go ahead. You want it so bad, go, say it."
MacGruber
"Come on, let's hear all about him."
MacGruber
"- Be my guest."
MacGruber
"- Oh, thank you so much for giving me permission"
MacGruber
"to tell my own story."
MacGruber
"Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth,"
MacGruber
"elite special forces leader turned American traitor."
MacGruber
"He's been off the grid for 20 years"
MacGruber
"rotting away in a Burkina Fasonian prison."
MacGruber
"And guess who put him there?"
MacGruber
"Piper, you want to ruin this one, too?"
MacGruber
"I did."
MacGruber
"So needless to say, we don't exchange Christmas cards,"
MacGruber
"especially after what he did to my family."
MacGruber
"- Oh no, what'd he do to your family?"
MacGruber
"[dramatic music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- Doesn't matter."
MacGruber
"All that matters now is that we take him out,"
MacGruber
"for good this time."
MacGruber
"And I'm the only one who can do it"
MacGruber
"'cause I'm the only one who knows what he's up to."
MacGruber
"- What is he up to?"
MacGruber
"- My gut tells me that Queeth is planning"
MacGruber
"to unleash a major chemical weapon"
MacGruber
"somewhere on American soil."
MacGruber
"- What? Oh, my God."
MacGruber
"- Don't worry, we still have a chance to stop him,"
MacGruber
"but we're running out of time."
MacGruber
"So what do you say?"
MacGruber
"Piper's in."
MacGruber
"- I didn't say that. - But you're about to."
MacGruber
"Look, Vicki,"
MacGruber
"I understand that you're trying"
MacGruber
"to bring a new life into this world,"
MacGruber
"but if we don't stop Queeth,"
MacGruber
"there might not be a world left to bring that child into."
MacGruber
"[phone buzzes]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- I'll give you 24 hours, but that's it."
MacGruber
"- Thank you."
MacGruber
"Hey, Pipe."
MacGruber
"Have you ever seen the movie "The Outsiders?""
MacGruber
"- No."
MacGruber
"- Do it for Johnny."
MacGruber
"- What does that mean?"
MacGruber
"- That's something they say in that movie."
MacGruber
"- Let's get something straight."
MacGruber
"If I do this, I'm doing it for my family."
MacGruber
"Are we clear? - Loud and."
MacGruber
"Piper the family man."
MacGruber
"Never thought I'd see the day. [imitates whip cracking]"
MacGruber
"- I'm already regretting this."
MacGruber
"Okay, let's go. We can take my Jeep."
MacGruber
"- [chuckles] Nice try, Piper,"
MacGruber
"but we're gonna need something with a little"
MacGruber
"more juice."
MacGruber
"[upbeat rock music]"
MacGruber
"* *"
MacGruber
"- * Anything that you desire *"
MacGruber
"* Magic *"
MacGruber
"* And you know you're the one who can put out the fire *"
MacGruber
"- Sir, just got word."
MacGruber
"The dispersal devices are now in our possession."
MacGruber
"[tense music]"
MacGruber
"- Well, we got our Christmas stockings."
MacGruber
"Now all we have to do is stuff them with coal."
MacGruber
"[Laura Branigan's "Self Control" playing]"
MacGruber
"- * Oh, the night *"
MacGruber
"* Is my world *"
MacGruber
"* City light *"
MacGruber
"* Painted girl *"
MacGruber
"- Hey, sorry, Vick."
MacGruber
"Between serving a life sentence"
MacGruber
"and doing that suicide mission for my country,"
MacGruber
"never had a chance to clean up our wedding decorations."
MacGruber
"- Oh, I hadn't noticed."
MacGruber
"[phone buzzing]"
MacGruber
"Oh, shoot. Barrett's calling."
MacGruber
"- No, don't answer it. Don't answer it."
MacGruber
"- Don't you want the help of the United States government?"
MacGruber
"- Look, I don't know how far down"
MacGruber
"the rabbit hole this thing goes."
MacGruber
"So until we know more, we got to keep this"
MacGruber
"in the inner circle and not including of our dong husbands."
MacGruber
"- I thought you said we were gonna"
MacGruber
"keep this professional."
MacGruber
"- I always keep things professional,"
MacGruber
"and you both know that. - Hmm."
MacGruber
"- Good, because I think Barrett could be a huge asset."
MacGruber
"- A huge ass head? Yeah, I don't disagree."
MacGruber
"Face! [laughs]"
MacGruber
"Piper gets it."
MacGruber
"[phone buzzing]"
MacGruber
"- Oh, look, he's calling again."
MacGruber
"If I don't answer, he's gonna know something's wrong."
MacGruber
"- Okay, fine, but say exactly what I tell you to."
MacGruber
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