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Clips from 10-Year-Old-Tom - Landscaper on the Couch/Nurse's Wedding (S01E01)

"Oh, my God. This is..."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh, what's that? Look, a quarter."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Can I get off the stage?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"What happens now?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Excuse me. Is that your son up there?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Because he is very bad."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- No, my son died in a weed-whacking accident."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I don't know who this kid is."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"♪ ♪"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- [coughing] - [moans]"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Hey, kids, I've got a lot going on in my life right now."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"What are these "emergencies"? Make it quick."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I've had explosive diarrhea all morning,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"and I'm crapping all over the school."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Not touching that. Next."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I got stung by a bee, and I can't feel my tongue."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Gonna stop ya right there."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Those are all really complex ailments."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Tom, what's wrong with you?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- You know, I feel kind of sluggish."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I can't tell if it's--I'm sick, or if it's just my personality."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- All right, get in here, Tom. Let's get you taken care of."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Okay, Tom, put this in your mouth"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"and make it seem like I'm doing work."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Okay."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I'm actually really glad you stopped by."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"You were on my to-do list today."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Me? Why?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Because I have an announcement!"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I'm getting married to a beautiful man named Doug!"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Why are you telling me?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- This school is like family to me, okay?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I'm inviting all of my favorite people."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I'm one of your favorite people?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"We've literally talked twice about Band-Aids."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- And tell your Mom she's gonna be in my bridal party."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"We're gonna have so much fun!"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Have you guys even met? - She's my best friend."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"She's being in the wedding. [thermometer beeps]"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Oh, you're actually really sick,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"but I'm not dealing with that. See ya."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"[upbeat music playing]"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh wow, she really invited the whole town."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Kevork, the plumber,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"the guy who works at 7-Eleven,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"my old babysitter."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Tom, when people ask about me,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"always just say, "She's busy.""
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I'm sorry. I said she's wide open."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- And I know that's the truth of our lives,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"but don't say that."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I shouldn't have volunteered you"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"to be in someone's bridal party."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- How do you think I feel?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I mean, I'm giving away the bride,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"and I literally don't know her last name."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I'm starting to feel left out."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Am I the only person not invited?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Ah, no, lots of people didn't make the cut."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I mean you... Dakota's mom..."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I don't think she invited the Principal's bookie, Lou."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Nope, I'm here!"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I'm in charge of pussy and booze."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"What do you guys need? - Hey, Lou."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Is this all I represent to you people?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"A bus driver?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"The guy who sits behind the wheel"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"and drives the bus?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Yep, yeah."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Yeah, that is the definition of a bus driver."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Okay. I retract the question."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Look, I got to put this stupid dress on."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I'll see you at the ceremony. Don't talk to anyone, Tom."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Let's make this a clean in and out."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Don't talk to anyone?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Yeah, just go sit really still"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"in a corner of the lobby."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Face a wall."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- And just pretend I can't talk?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Yeah, you know what?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I'll give you a couple of papers that say"
10-Year-Old-Tom
""I don't know how to talk.""
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- All right."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Not the most fun wedding, but sure."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"All right, if anyone talks to you, just "no habla ingles.""
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- How's it going, little man? - What are you doing here?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I'm getting married. I'm Doug."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh! She didn't say"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"she was marrying the ice cream man."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Well, I--I think "Doug""
10-Year-Old-Tom
"feels more prestigious."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"You know, if you tell someone,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
""I'm marrying the ice cream man,""
10-Year-Old-Tom
"it doesn't sound like a bright future."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- So, uh... you excited?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Not at all."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I feel like the walls are closing in around me."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"It's like my schvanz is in a vice"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"and the pressure is slowly tightening."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Doesn't sound fun at all. - It's not fun."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Hey, listen. I need you to do me a favor."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I was supposed to find a ring bearer"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"for this whole thing, and I didn't."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"So, can you do it? - Me?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"No, I promised my mom we'd be in and out."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I--I can't bear any rings. - You owe me one."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I owe you? Why? - You sank my truck."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"You know how much it cost to dredge that thing up?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- All right, I guess I owe you on some level."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- This is what you've got to learn in life."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"This is good for you, actually."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"This is a learning situation."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"[rock music]"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- That bachelor party was off the hook!"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"At the strip club, when she went upside down"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"and her hair was dragging--"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Guys! Guys! Keep it clean."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"We got a little fucking kid here."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh right. Yeah, of course-course-course."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I was saying, I was at the strip club"
10-Year-Old-Tom
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