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Clips from Bob's Burgers - The Spider House Rules (S12E12)

I need to get your dirty laundry for the wash.

"I need to get your dirty laundry for the wash."

Bob's Burgers

I don't know about you, but I'm about to start

"I don't know about you, but I'm about to start"

Bob's Burgers

wearing my bathing suit bottoms for underwear.

"wearing my bathing suit bottoms for underwear."

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Ooh! Uh, okay. Uh, spider. We got a spider, people.

"Ooh! Uh, okay. Uh, spider. We got a spider, people."

Bob's Burgers

Mom, no, it's okay.

"Mom, no, it's okay."

Bob's Burgers

- Th- - This is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is my mom.

"- Th- - This is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is my mom."

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I know this is a little early to be

"I know this is a little early to be"

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in the meeting-the-parents phase, but here we are.

"in the meeting-the-parents phase, but here we are."

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Did you say spider? Here, Linda, I brought a paper towel.

"Did you say spider? Here, Linda, I brought a paper towel."

Bob's Burgers

Dad, are you making Mom kill a bug for you again?

"Dad, are you making Mom kill a bug for you again?"

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I'm not making her. We just have our roles.

"I'm not making her. We just have our roles."

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I bring a paper towel, and your mom does everything else.

"I bring a paper towel, and your mom does everything else."

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He doesn't like to get his hands dirty. Like a mob boss.

"He doesn't like to get his hands dirty. Like a mob boss."

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Hey, the spider's with me. We're friends.

"Hey, the spider's with me. We're friends."

Bob's Burgers

It has a name. Arachnaphoebe. Phoebe for short.

"It has a name. Arachnaphoebe. Phoebe for short."

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But never Pheebs. She hates that.

"But never Pheebs. She hates that."

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Now, can you holster the paper towel, please?

"Now, can you holster the paper towel, please?"

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Louise, we don't have anything against Phoebe.

"Louise, we don't have anything against Phoebe."

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I'm sure she's great, but she's a spider

"I'm sure she's great, but she's a spider"

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and they belong outside. Not in our home. Where we live.

"and they belong outside. Not in our home. Where we live."

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Yeah, and if they come inside our home or restaurant,

"Yeah, and if they come inside our home or restaurant,"

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then we kill them. Lovingly. That's the contract

"then we kill them. Lovingly. That's the contract"

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that we all agreed to. Mostly us, not the bugs.

"that we all agreed to. Mostly us, not the bugs."

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What about relocation?

"What about relocation?"

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- I hear outside is nice. - Yeah, okay.

"- I hear outside is nice. - Yeah, okay."

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Uh, Louise, you want to tell her she doesn't have to go home

"Uh, Louise, you want to tell her she doesn't have to go home"

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but she can't stay here? Go get a cup.

"but she can't stay here? Go get a cup."

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A bottle of wine would be a nice send-off gesture.

"A bottle of wine would be a nice send-off gesture."

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She's fine right here, people. You're the ones who

"She's fine right here, people. You're the ones who"

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came in here uninvited. I'm not trapping you under a cup.

"came in here uninvited. I'm not trapping you under a cup."

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Sorry, kid. It's either outside or one-way ticket

"Sorry, kid. It's either outside or one-way ticket"

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to paper towel town. Your choice.

"to paper towel town. Your choice."

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And then I need everyone's laundry.

"And then I need everyone's laundry."

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Also, everyone feel free to learn how to do laundry.

"Also, everyone feel free to learn how to do laundry."

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Ugh. Okay, Phoebe. Pack your stuff.

"Ugh. Okay, Phoebe. Pack your stuff."

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You're too good for this place anyway.

"You're too good for this place anyway."

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And maybe she could tell other spiders not to come here?

"And maybe she could tell other spiders not to come here?"

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- In-in a nice way. - No.

"- In-in a nice way. - No."

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- Okay. - (phone dings)

"- Okay. - (phone dings)"

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Oh, it's Cliff.

"Oh, it's Cliff."

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He-he texted me back.

"He-he texted me back."

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Cliff? That big red dog?

"Cliff? That big red dog?"

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- He has your number? - That's the guy your dad's

"- He has your number? - That's the guy your dad's"

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- trying to be friends with. - I mean, we're already friends.

"- trying to be friends with. - I mean, we're already friends."

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Kind of. I was gonna ask him if he wants to hang out.

"Kind of. I was gonna ask him if he wants to hang out."

Bob's Burgers

Wait, you're asking a guy out? To prom? Dad prom?

"Wait, you're asking a guy out? To prom? Dad prom?"

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What's the theme this year-- khakis?

"What's the theme this year-- khakis?"

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It's not dad prom. It's casual, and also,

"It's not dad prom. It's casual, and also,"

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I'm getting pretty good at texting.

"I'm getting pretty good at texting."

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I just make sure your mother looks at all of them first.

"I just make sure your mother looks at all of them first."

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Mom, you want to run them by me?

"Mom, you want to run them by me?"

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And then Tina can run them by me

"And then Tina can run them by me"

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and then I'll run them up through corporate.

"and then I'll run them up through corporate."

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Okay, Phoebe. Out into the world

"Okay, Phoebe. Out into the world"

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you go to seek your fortune. Try to avoid

"you go to seek your fortune. Try to avoid"

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the cars and all the bikes and people's feet.

"the cars and all the bikes and people's feet."

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God, do people always walk so hard?

"God, do people always walk so hard?"

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Okay, you know, let's go look in other neighborhoods.

"Okay, you know, let's go look in other neighborhoods."

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I mean, yes, it's our stinky dumpster,

"I mean, yes, it's our stinky dumpster,"

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but at least you won't get trampled.

"but at least you won't get trampled."

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Spiders can't die of smell, can they?

"Spiders can't die of smell, can they?"

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I mean, if so, I'm sure our house

"I mean, if so, I'm sure our house"

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would have killed you already.

"would have killed you already."

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All right. So long, Phoebe.

"All right. So long, Phoebe."

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And hey, don't let anybody tell you spiders are bad.

"And hey, don't let anybody tell you spiders are bad."

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I think you're delightful.

"I think you're delightful."

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Well, I'll let you get going.

"Well, I'll let you get going."

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Goodbye.

"Goodbye."

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Go on, Phoebe. Get. You got to find cover, pal.

"Go on, Phoebe. Get. You got to find cover, pal."

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You can't just hang out there, a bird could get you.

"You can't just hang out there, a bird could get you."

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Or... I don't know what eats spiders.

"Or... I don't know what eats spiders."

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A spider monkey?

"A spider monkey?"

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Don't look at me like that.

"Don't look at me like that."

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What? What do you want me to do?

"What? What do you want me to do?"

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(sighs) Okay. New plan.

"(sighs) Okay. New plan."

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We're gonna sneak back into the house.

"We're gonna sneak back into the house."

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And no one needs to know, because

"And no one needs to know, because"

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this is just a me-and-you thing.

"this is just a me-and-you thing."

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We're gonna stick together. (chuckles) Stick.

"We're gonna stick together. (chuckles) Stick."

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It's funny because you're a spider

"It's funny because you're a spider"

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and you make the sticky stuff. Look, Phoebe,

"and you make the sticky stuff. Look, Phoebe,"

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if we're gonna be friends, you're gonna

"if we're gonna be friends, you're gonna"

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have to start laughing at my jokes.

"have to start laughing at my jokes."

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Okay, Phoebe. I know it's not what you're used to,

"Okay, Phoebe. I know it's not what you're used to,"

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being stuck in a box, but I need to keep this

"being stuck in a box, but I need to keep this"

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living arrangement under wraps because of the whole

"living arrangement under wraps because of the whole"

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"spiders aren't supposed to be in the house" thing.

""spiders aren't supposed to be in the house" thing."

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Also, I hope the twigs are to your liking.

"Also, I hope the twigs are to your liking."

Bob's Burgers

I picked out the ones that looked the best for climbing

"I picked out the ones that looked the best for climbing"

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or just casual lounging.

"or just casual lounging."

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Are you hungry? You look hungry.

"Are you hungry? You look hungry."

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I'll get you something to eat.

"I'll get you something to eat."

Bob's Burgers

But what do you eat? Do you like chips?

"But what do you eat? Do you like chips?"

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Everyone likes chips. Fine, I'll look it up.

"Everyone likes chips. Fine, I'll look it up."

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Don't yell at me.

"Don't yell at me."

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Okay, a little secret online spider research

"Okay, a little secret online spider research"

Bob's Burgers

while everyone's down in the restaurant. Hmm.

"while everyone's down in the restaurant. Hmm."

Bob's Burgers

"House spiders, like many spiders, prefer live prey"?

""House spiders, like many spiders, prefer live prey"?"

Bob's Burgers

Okay. No judgement.

"Okay. No judgement."

Bob's Burgers

I'll just look for the prey that have it coming.

"I'll just look for the prey that have it coming."

Bob's Burgers

Would you guys want to go to my menu-wiping seminar

"Would you guys want to go to my menu-wiping seminar"

Bob's Burgers

- called "It's Men- - You, - Not Men- - Me"?

"- called "It's Men- - You, - Not Men- - Me"?"

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- Oh. - Yes. - No.

"- Oh. - Yes. - No."

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Okay, uh, taking out the trash.

"Okay, uh, taking out the trash."

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Totally normal part of my job.

"Totally normal part of my job."

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Someone's on the ball today.

"Someone's on the ball today."

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Kinda jealous I didn't get to do it first.

"Kinda jealous I didn't get to do it first."

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Louise, hold on a sec. That bag's half empty.

"Louise, hold on a sec. That bag's half empty."

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Some people might think that, Mom. But I'm an optimist.

"Some people might think that, Mom. But I'm an optimist."

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So, to me, it's half full.

"So, to me, it's half full."

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Of dreams and rotten food.

"Of dreams and rotten food."

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And we don't want it to attract bugs, do we?

"And we don't want it to attract bugs, do we?"

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(stilted laughing) Okay, anyways, don't wait up.

"(stilted laughing) Okay, anyways, don't wait up."

Bob's Burgers

- All right. - (phone dings)

"- All right. - (phone dings)"

Bob's Burgers

It's Cliff. He said he'd love to hang out sometime.

"It's Cliff. He said he'd love to hang out sometime."

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Ooh, he likes you.

"Ooh, he likes you."

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Did you tell him the Cliff joke I told you?

"Did you tell him the Cliff joke I told you?"

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Tell him you're busy. Then say, "I'll check my schedule

"Tell him you're busy. Then say, "I'll check my schedule"

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and try to make it work. No promises, though."

"and try to make it work. No promises, though.""

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Or tell him you're gonna pick him up on your motorcycle

"Or tell him you're gonna pick him up on your motorcycle"

Bob's Burgers

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