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Clips from 10-Year-Old-Tom - Roastmaster Tom/A Daffodil for Terence (S01E01)

"The Principal is a real bozo, like, bozo the clown."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Aw, so precious. - Oh. [laughing]"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Oh, she got me good."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- The principal is here and he's really silly."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"[laughs] Am I right, guys?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh, man, I'm questioning the material, I really am."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- But we do love you and we're so happy that you're here."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Thank you. You've been roasted."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Aw, this is adorable."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Oh, I hope someone's filming this stuff."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Um...all right. Number one."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"The principal's glasses are always dirty."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- [chuckling] That is true."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- The only thing filthier than his glasses is his ex-wife"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Shannon who was caught sucking off the UPS guy."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- What? - Language. Tom."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Okay. Wow. Tom."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I got--I got more. I got more."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I shouldn't have opened with that."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"The principal dreamed of playing for the Yankees."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Right, Principal? - Eh, it is true."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- But the last time I checked there's no position in baseball"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"called fat piece of shit."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh, this is horrible. What the hell is going on?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Do you just maybe have some normal jokes?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I was told foul language is encouraged."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Who told you that? - You know what?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I-I know I had some disappointments in my life"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"but I didn't know--I mean,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I'm gonna go drink myself to sleep and cry into a sock."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I should have stopped with the roast beef joke."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"[smoke alarm blares] - Hey, kids. Get back in class."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Just because the principal is out"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"does not mean it's a free for all."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Hey, go suck off the UPS guy!"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Bam, you've been roasted, Tom style, baby!"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- They really latched on to that phrase, didn't they?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Well, well. - I came to apologize."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Sorry, Tom. Principal called in sick."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh, no. - He's very depressed."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I gotta say, I think maybe Hector shouldn't have"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"called him a dumb-dumb. That was in poor taste."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Are you kidding, Tom? Do you realize"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"that all the teachers are calling you Asshole Tom?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Now, that's crossing the line."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh, that's crossing the line?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Now you're deciding what's in good taste."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Well, just tell him I'm sorry."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"If you talk to him, just tell him I'm sorry."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- No, there's no I'm telling him anything."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"You need to talk to him and make this right."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- All right, I'll go pop in and say hi."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I'm sure he's fine, though. I mean, he's the principal."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"[moody pop ballad playing over speakers]"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"[doorbell rings]"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- [moaning along to the music]"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- What's going on in there? - Principal, are you in there?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- [groans]"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Principal, are you okay? - We gotta get in there."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- All right, you know what? We're coming in."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Principal? - Oh. Hey, guys."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Come on in. Grab a slice."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Are you okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Are you sure? You really look like a train wreck."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Tom, your insults were a real wake-up call."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"And I've decided to quit my job"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"and become an assistant bookie with my friend, Lu."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh, no, don't do that. Nah. Those were jokes."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I'm sorry, which part was untrue?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Do I not have a weight problem?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Yes. It's not an ideal physique."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Did my wife not blow the UPS driver?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- She did. That's a well-documented story."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Have I not failed at pursuing all my childhood dreams?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- You've clearly failed at many things."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"But we can--you can laugh about it now, right?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Nah, you just don't laugh. It's tragic."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Look at my bucket list."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I've crossed not one thing off of it!"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Huh, let's see what you got here."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Sit on a hammock? That's pretty easy to do."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Well, I literally sat on a hammock an hour ago."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Eat a steak? - Yeah."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- You've never eaten a steak? - I've come close but,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"you know, something always goes wrong."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- These seem like very easy dreams to achieve."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Yeah, well, that's what makes it so pathetic."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh, how does this sound? Look."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"If we help you check everything off your list,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"you come back to school on Monday."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- How are you gonna help me check every single thing"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"off this bucket list? Take another look at it."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Principal, we're gonna do it."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"We're not taking no for an answer."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Deal. - That's great. All right."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Let's shake. Oh, wow. That's disgusting."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"That's a very greasy hand."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Number ten on the list. Sit on a hammock."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- I did it. Check it off the list."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"I sat in a hammock. Yes!"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Okay. You sat in a hammock."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh, my God, I ate a steak! After all these years."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Check another one off the list, baby!"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Number three on the list, believe it or not,"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"is slide down a bowling alley like a human bowling ball."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- [laughing] [pins clatter]"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Wow, that's top five?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Oh, my God, I'm riding in a Buick."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"Check it off the list."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Did number two on the list really say "ride in Buick"?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Says it right here. "Ride in a late model Buick.""
10-Year-Old-Tom
"[indistinct chatter]"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Okay, one last thing on the list."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"See Glenn Hubert the comedian. Who's Glenn Hubert by the way?"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- He's only my favorite comedian."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"He does a clean act, just like a ton of observational humor"
10-Year-Old-Tom
"about church and pudding and cookies and picnics."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Sounds like he sucks."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- Wait. Wait, what's this? Sold out. Oh, no."
10-Year-Old-Tom
"- This is just... just the story of my life."
10-Year-Old-Tom
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