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Clips from Family Guy - Tales of Former Sports Glory (S19E19)

"with the Toronto Blue Jays."
Family Guy
"But because I was from a warm‐weather climate,"
Family Guy
"it didn't work out."
Family Guy
"- I still remember my first major‐league game. -"
Family Guy
"It was four hours and 25 minutes long."
Family Guy
"I was like, "What the (bleep)?""
Family Guy
"Wow, Cleveland. I had no idea you played baseball."
Family Guy
"Too bad you couldn't hit a home run"
Family Guy
"with The Cleveland Show."
Family Guy
"Well, it certainly wasn't a whiff."
Family Guy
"More of a foul out."
Family Guy
"It was a double."
Family Guy
"You know, you're not the only one"
Family Guy
"who got a taste of sports glory."
Family Guy
"I had a pretty good run, myself."
Family Guy
"Scrawny little guy like you, Quagmire?"
Family Guy
"What did you play?"
Family Guy
"I was a competitive tennis player."
Family Guy
"Some might say too competitive."
Family Guy
"But I was the breath of fresh air"
Family Guy
"that the stuffy tennis world needed."
Family Guy
"I was born into a real tennis family."
Family Guy
"On my first birthday, my mother gave me a little Head."
Family Guy
"I wanted to be the first male cheerleader for tennis."
Family Guy
"day and night!"
Family Guy
"- Ooh, tennis! -"
Family Guy
"And when that was weird, I decided to just play tennis."
Family Guy
"But it was understood I'd grow up to be a tennis player"
Family Guy
"like my father and his father before him"
Family Guy
"and his father before him."
Family Guy
"We came from a long line of tennis dicks."
Family Guy
"I had six brothers,"
Family Guy
"but they'd all sliced off their hands"
Family Guy
"opening a tennis ball can,"
Family Guy
"possibly the most dangerous object known to mankind."
Family Guy
"Hey, guys. Anyone want to play tennis?"
Family Guy
"Llewellyn, no!"
Family Guy
"But I would do everything I could"
Family Guy
"to make my now‐female father happy."
Family Guy
"Practices were intense."
Family Guy
"I feel like you skipped over"
Family Guy
"a very big story point right there."
Family Guy
"My father was a World War II vet,"
Family Guy
"so he used to make me reenact the D‐Day landing"
Family Guy
"with tennis ball machines."
Family Guy
"But the work paid off."
Family Guy
"I got invited to the first U. S. Open,"
Family Guy
"which, at the time, was called the U. S. Now Open."
Family Guy
"There, I met the player"
Family Guy
"Sweden's Hedd Banssen."
Family Guy
"He'd bring his personal chef to every match,"
Family Guy
"which was very distracting."
Family Guy
"Aah! What the hell?"
Family Guy
"Hergy bergy meatball throwy!"
Family Guy
"Come on, this can't be legal. What are you, blind?"
Family Guy
"Serve ball!"
Family Guy
"I was the bad boy of tennis,"
Family Guy
"and my unconventional style of play changed the game."
Family Guy
"Before I came along, tennis was so safe,"
Family Guy
"it was customary to hit a six‐handed backhand."
Family Guy
"I pioneered the one‐handed backhand"
Family Guy
"and, eventually, the no‐handed backhand."
Family Guy
"Quagmire, I love your backhand."
Family Guy
"That sounds like a backhanded compliment."
Family Guy
"I also flouted tennis etiquette"
Family Guy
"by wearing the longest, baggiest shorts"
Family Guy
"the game had ever seen."
Family Guy
"People criticized my style of play"
Family Guy
"because I argued with umpires"
Family Guy
"and was taught to bounce the ball 40 times"
Family Guy
"before my serve."
Family Guy
"Let, first service."
Family Guy
"I'd won the U. S. Open,"
Family Guy
"but I wouldn't settle for just that."
Family Guy
"My goal"
Family Guy
"pancakes, eggs, sausage and bacon at Denny's."
Family Guy
"One day, Glenn. One day."
Family Guy
"Maybe your birthday."
Family Guy
"I made it to Wimbledon"
Family Guy
"and got to play in front of the queen‐‐"
Family Guy
"Freddie Mercury."
Family Guy
"I altered my 40‐bounce routine just for him."
Family Guy
"It was an honor playing for Freddie on grass that day."
Family Guy
"He later died. The doctor said it was asphalt."
Family Guy
"- ♪ -"
Family Guy
"It was the era before AIDS, but a lot of tennis players"
Family Guy
"had to deal with the scourge of Penis Gerulaitis."
Family Guy
"Despite my on‐court temper tantrums,"
Family Guy
"I was on top of the world."
Family Guy
"Tatum O'Seventies."
Family Guy
"The hottest actress of the era."
Family Guy
"She was fresh off her success playing an 11‐year‐old"
Family Guy
"in a Little League movie, which, for some reason,"
Family Guy
"made her the biggest sex symbol in Hollywood."
Family Guy
"- Thought you might need this. - Thanks. I'm Glenn."
Family Guy
"I know. I watched you smash your racket and scream at a baby."
Family Guy
"You know, if you're free after this,"
Family Guy
"we could go back to my place"
Family Guy
"and try to fit some balls in your can."
Family Guy
"I practiced tantrum sex,"
Family Guy
"something I'd learned from Sting but probably misheard."
Family Guy
"What?! Are you crazy? That was in!"
Family Guy
"We became New York's "It" couple of the '70s."
Family Guy
"We hung out at Studio 55."
Family Guy
"There was no one there."
Family Guy
"We could hear a lot of noise coming from next door."
Family Guy
"I got to meet the greatest athletes of my generation."
Family Guy
"Glenn, how would you like to meet Bobby Orr?"
Family Guy
"- Or who? - Bobby Orr."
Family Guy
"Yeah, Bobby or who? What's the other choice?"
Family Guy
"- It's Bobby Orr! - You told me Bobby's the first choice!"
Family Guy
"- What's the alternative? - All right, forget that."
Family Guy
"Do you want to meet Rick Monday?"
Family Guy
"Well, sure, I could do Monday, but who is it?"
Family Guy
"By the 1980s, things were starting to unravel."
Family Guy
"Aw, damn it!"
Family Guy
"My temper on the court was increasingly an issue."
Family Guy
"Out."
Family Guy
"Are you serious?! You cannot be serious!"
Family Guy
"I had a hard time telling if people were serious."
Family Guy
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