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Clips from Lucifer - The One with the Baby Carrot (S03E03)

"- What? - Uh..."
Lucifer
"a micropenis."
Lucifer
"Uh, in fact,"
Lucifer
"his penis is so tiny,"
Lucifer
"it's not even a micropenis."
Lucifer
"It's an atomic penis."
Lucifer
"Because atoms are small."
Lucifer
"Not because it ex... plodes."
Lucifer
"- His, uh, penis is so small... - Boo!"
Lucifer
"It's a medical condition, you monster."
Lucifer
"- Lucifer... - What? Can't stop, won't stop."
Lucifer
"This is much too fun, Detective."
Lucifer
"No, no, no, keep going. I want you to keep going."
Lucifer
"Copy that."
Lucifer
"- Anyways... - So what?"
Lucifer
"Next you're gonna tell us that his willy's"
Lucifer
"so small that when he wants to have sex,"
Lucifer
"he needs to call out a search party?"
Lucifer
"Or that his weenis is so small,"
Lucifer
"it looks like his testicles are giving"
Lucifer
"the tiniest thumbs up?"
Lucifer
"Huh?"
Lucifer
"Shame on you"
Lucifer
"for mocking the poorly-endowed."
Lucifer
"- Yeah! - Oh, hold on."
Lucifer
"Maybe there's no friend at all,"
Lucifer
"and you're the one with the baby carrot."
Lucifer
"What? No."
Lucifer
"No, I-I... I-I don't have a micropenis."
Lucifer
"I mean, not that there's anything wrong with having one."
Lucifer
"Come on. Now's your chance."
Lucifer
"Show the world your teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy baby arm."
Lucifer
"I-I... I don't have a tiny, teeny..."
Lucifer
"It's okay!"
Lucifer
"We accept you for your miniscule manhood."
Lucifer
"I don't have a tiny..."
Lucifer
"- Oh, my... - Lucifer."
Lucifer
"What, you didn't bring any?"
Lucifer
"Get off."
Lucifer
"Or show us your nubbin. Hmm?"
Lucifer
"- Yeah! - Yeah. Boo!"
Lucifer
"There you go!"
Lucifer
"Oh, lovely."
Lucifer
"What the hell was that, man?"
Lucifer
"You undermined the entire sting."
Lucifer
"Well, I'd argue you undermined it"
Lucifer
"with your botched attempt at humor."
Lucifer
"All I did was throw a drowning man a tomato."
Lucifer
"Oh, what are the chances?"
Lucifer
"I didn't even want to do this to begin with."
Lucifer
"And I told you stand-up and improv are completely different."
Lucifer
"And why didn't you stop him?"
Lucifer
"Because I realized the killer"
Lucifer
"might seek out a sympathetic voice."
Lucifer
"- Hmm. - He wasn't sympathetic."
Lucifer
"He just used it as an excuse"
Lucifer
"to tell even more micropenis jokes."
Lucifer
"There is no way anyone's gonna appreciate that."
Lucifer
"Hey, man."
Lucifer
"I just, uh, wanted to say..."
Lucifer
"really appreciate you saying what you did."
Lucifer
"- Huh. - Ah."
Lucifer
"Absolutely. No problem at all."
Lucifer
"I mean, someone has to stand up for the little guy, am I right?"
Lucifer
"Yeah."
Lucifer
"Hearing stuff like that just..."
Lucifer
"makes you want to murder someone,"
Lucifer
"doesn't it?"
Lucifer
"- Sure does. - Hmm."
Lucifer
"Well done, Detective. Right, just to be sure,"
Lucifer
"shall I pull his pants down, or do you want the honors?"
Lucifer
"You're gonna do what?"
Lucifer
"- Follow me. - What?"
Lucifer
"- Come on. - I..."
Lucifer
"I don't understand."
Lucifer
"Having a micropenis isn't a crime."
Lucifer
"So you didn't send threatening e-mails to Bobby Lowe?"
Lucifer
"No, I did."
Lucifer
"Back when Bobby was nobody, I toured with him."
Lucifer
"And that's when I figured he heard about my..."
Lucifer
"condition."
Lucifer
"Um, how would he have heard about that?"
Lucifer
"All the chuckle bunnies talk."
Lucifer
"The what?"
Lucifer
"Uh..."
Lucifer
"chicks who like to have sex with comedians."
Lucifer
"Oh, there's a term for that?"
Lucifer
"Oh, I should get a term."
Lucifer
"- Oh. - Devil bunnies."
Lucifer
"Oh, no. Lucifans."
Lucifer
"- Can you please...? - Or not."
Lucifer
"One in particular, I told some stories,"
Lucifer
"and then, I heard them as part of Bobby's set."
Lucifer
"So then, you started threatening him."
Lucifer
"I was blowing off steam, okay?"
Lucifer
"Every time that stupid show aired,"
Lucifer
"it was like a punch in the gut."
Lucifer
"And then you found out that JD was writing the jokes."
Lucifer
"And justifiably murdered him."
Lucifer
"I forgave him."
Lucifer
"What?"
Lucifer
"But he stole your life story and profited from it."
Lucifer
"Why would you forgive him?"
Lucifer
"I don't mind a fellow struggling comic busting balls."
Lucifer
"It's when a millionaire starts punching down that I get pissed."
Lucifer
"Or that good-looking jerk from the club."
Lucifer
"- What? Who's he talking about? - Oh."
Lucifer
"- Dan. - Oh. Right."
Lucifer
"Are you sure?"
Lucifer
"Besides, JD's life was pretty sad."
Lucifer
"I mean, I think his last gig was a barbecue."
Lucifer
"He even made up this sad story about a warm-up comic wanting"
Lucifer
"to meet with him about a gig."
Lucifer
"- As if that'd happen. - Why?"
Lucifer
"Is telling bad jokes before even worse jokes a coveted gig?"
Lucifer
"Are you kidding?"
Lucifer
"You work an hour a day and clear six figures."
Lucifer
"Not to mention, you probably get a role"
Lucifer
"on the show at some point."
Lucifer
"- Oh. - Really?"
Lucifer
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