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Clips from Lucifer - The One with the Baby Carrot (S03E03)

"Every day I come to work, and I tell stupid jokes with puppets."
Lucifer
"Puppets!"
Lucifer
"Bobby."
Lucifer
"What are you saying?"
Lucifer
"This is a dream gig."
Lucifer
"It's a nightmare!"
Lucifer
"You know what the biggest joke is?"
Lucifer
"You?"
Lucifer
"Me!"
Lucifer
"It's no fun when they talk to themselves."
Lucifer
"And now that JD's dead, I'm never getting out of here."
Lucifer
"What do you mean?"
Lucifer
"He was telling the truth."
Lucifer
"I stole his act."
Lucifer
"I based the show on it."
Lucifer
"But I defended you!"
Lucifer
"J'accuse, Bobby Lowe!"
Lucifer
"J'accuse!"
Lucifer
"If you wanted out of the job so bad,"
Lucifer
"why didn't you just admit it and quit?"
Lucifer
"Golden handcuffs."
Lucifer
"If I quit, I lose all the money."
Lucifer
"And I really like the money."
Lucifer
"And if JD revealed that you were stealing"
Lucifer
"his act, and they fire you..."
Lucifer
"I get a golden parachute instead."
Lucifer
"Which is why I had to keep up appearances,"
Lucifer
"not let anyone know the truth."
Lucifer
"- But why hide the gun on set? - Yeah."
Lucifer
"Because I was getting death threats."
Lucifer
"Someone's pissed, claiming all my jokes are about him."
Lucifer
"The jokes that you stole like the thief which you are?"
Lucifer
"That's a big strong, Miss Lopez."
Lucifer
"Yeah."
Lucifer
"Any idea who was making these threats?"
Lucifer
"They came from an anonymous e-mail."
Lucifer
"But like I said, I stole the jokes."
Lucifer
"The only person who knows who they're about..."
Lucifer
"Is the dead guy. Great."
Lucifer
"I'm gonna need those e-mails."
Lucifer
"All right."
Lucifer
"God."
Lucifer
"This must be so painful."
Lucifer
"Cutting off a piece of yourself over and over."
Lucifer
"Lucifer made it seem like no big deal, but..."
Lucifer
"ouch."
Lucifer
"We all have pain that we hide, Linda,"
Lucifer
"that we're just not ready to share with the world."
Lucifer
"That's very true."
Lucifer
"How do you know it's a test?"
Lucifer
"Because I'm faced with having to dispose of the one thing"
Lucifer
"that I so desperately want back."
Lucifer
"- Could just be really bad luck. - No."
Lucifer
"My Father always has a plan."
Lucifer
"I don't doubt that anymore."
Lucifer
"Seems awfully cruel."
Lucifer
"Well, if it were easy, it wouldn't be much of a test."
Lucifer
"Would it?"
Lucifer
""I know what you're doing. Stop making fun of me,"
Lucifer
"or else I'm going to stab you.""
Lucifer
""I know you're making fun of me."
Lucifer
"Stop or I'll kill you.""
Lucifer
"Dreadfully unoriginal, aren't they?"
Lucifer
"Looks like the threats stopped last week"
Lucifer
"after JD posted his video."
Lucifer
"So you think the killer saw it and then realized"
Lucifer
"he'd been threatening the wrong comedian the entire time?"
Lucifer
"And then killed JD after he realized"
Lucifer
"he was the guy actually making fun of him."
Lucifer
"Seems possible."
Lucifer
"So..."
Lucifer
"what's the joke that he's so angry about?"
Lucifer
"Did our killer have unfunny imaginary friends?"
Lucifer
"No, that happened later."
Lucifer
"I did some research, and originally,"
Lucifer
"the show was much edgier."
Lucifer
"Hmm?"
Lucifer
"About a guy dealing with his insecurities about his,"
Lucifer
"um..."
Lucifer
"W-Well, I really don't want to tell you."
Lucifer
"Ooh. Well, now I need to know."
Lucifer
"Dealing with his insecurities about his, um, micropenis."
Lucifer
"All right, well."
Lucifer
"Hold me closer, tiny donger."
Lucifer
"So you're saying we're looking for a needle in a penis stack."
Lucifer
"See, this is why I didn't want to tell you."
Lucifer
"- Anyhow, after it became a family show... - Mm."
Lucifer
"...the micropenis got removed."
Lucifer
"Did anyone even notice?"
Lucifer
"Okay."
Lucifer
"Okay."
Lucifer
"Just go to town."
Lucifer
"Get them all out of your system."
Lucifer
"What?"
Lucifer
"Well, perhaps..."
Lucifer
"perhaps we should consider this case closed."
Lucifer
"Excuse me?"
Lucifer
"Well, we thought Bobby stole a joke,"
Lucifer
"but in actual fact, our deceased stole this man's very essence."
Lucifer
"I mean, his tiny, microscopic essence, sure,"
Lucifer
"but his essence nonetheless."
Lucifer
"So, uh, in actual fact,"
Lucifer
"I think our killer is the victim here."
Lucifer
"Yeah, that's actually not how it works."
Lucifer
"We still need to find our killer."
Lucifer
"I'll get these to cyber, see if they can trace an I.P."
Lucifer
"What? No."
Lucifer
"Not "cinnamon," "Sinnerman.""
Lucifer
"He's not a spice, Maze."
Lucifer
"Well, yes, I know you have a hectic schedule,"
Lucifer
"but surely you can find time to track him down for me."
Lucifer
"Right. Stop pretending the call is cutting out, Maze."
Lucifer
"I taught you that trick."
Lucifer
"Maze."
Lucifer
"Mazikeen!"
Lucifer
"Lucifer Morningstar."
Lucifer
"I've figured out what you really are."
Lucifer
"So, it's come to this, has it?"
Lucifer
"Finally, someone in the police department realized that I am"
Lucifer
"the Devil himself."
Lucifer
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