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Clips from The Goldbergs - A Chorus Lie (S03E03)

"and I'm gonna just humiliate myself."
The Goldbergs
"Ah, yes, the wondrous journey through puberty."
The Goldbergs
"It's not wondrous. It's awful."
The Goldbergs
"Well, you've come to the right place."
The Goldbergs
"Oh, no."
The Goldbergs
"It's my duty to help you out, baby bro."
The Goldbergs
"Only Big Tasty can guide you through what many call "the pubening.""
The Goldbergs
"No one calls it that."
The Goldbergs
"First, stop washing your face."
The Goldbergs
"You'll go through a very shiny, greasy couple of months."
The Goldbergs
"But eventually, your natural oils reach a healthy balance."
The Goldbergs
"Why does he do this? I don't know."
The Goldbergs
"Second, always shave dry and against the grain,"
The Goldbergs
"attacking the follicles in a jerky, zig-zag pattern."
The Goldbergs
"And third, never use deodorant."
The Goldbergs
"That's just something that big corporations made up to take your money."
The Goldbergs
"Simply apply a healthy layer of Vaseline to the armpit"
The Goldbergs
"and let it seal in the stink."
The Goldbergs
"He's still going. He means well."
The Goldbergs
"Think of me as a resource. I'm here for you, bro."
The Goldbergs
"Thank you, boopie. So helpful."
The Goldbergs
"Forget everything you just heard."
The Goldbergs
"If anyone understands what you're going through, it's mama."
The Goldbergs
"No offense, Mom, but you have no idea how hard this is for me."
The Goldbergs
"Please, I've watched two children"
The Goldbergs
"go through the pubening. (CHUCKLES)"
The Goldbergs
"Heck, I even went through it myself at the tender age of 9."
The Goldbergs
"It wasn't ideal."
The Goldbergs
"They used to call me "Booberly.""
The Goldbergs
"But this is just something all of us"
The Goldbergs
"had to suffer through on our own."
The Goldbergs
"Now you will, too."
The Goldbergs
"Or completely skip over."
The Goldbergs
"Hmm?"
The Goldbergs
"With my guidance, I'll take this horrible time"
The Goldbergs
"and make it smooth, easy, and maybe a little bit fun."
The Goldbergs
"Are you actually saying you could save me from puberty?"
The Goldbergs
"No! She can't."
The Goldbergs
"Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying."
The Goldbergs
"At this point, I got nothing to lose."
The Goldbergs
"Show me what you got, lady."
The Goldbergs
"ADULT ADAM: While I put my faith in my mother,"
The Goldbergs
"Geoff Schwartz put his in Christian Slater."
The Goldbergs
"Greetings and salutations."
The Goldbergs
"Lovely home you got here."
The Goldbergs
"What's going on? Why are you talking like a jackass?"
The Goldbergs
"Erica said she wanted a Christian Slater, so here I am."
The Goldbergs
"I know it's a long shot, but I just think your daughter's amazing."
The Goldbergs
"And if you approve, I'd love to take her to homecoming."
The Goldbergs
"Erica!"
The Goldbergs
"You've got a gentleman suitor."
The Goldbergs
"You're one of the good ones, Mr. G."
The Goldbergs
"ERICA: A gentleman what? (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)"
The Goldbergs
"Greetings and salutations."
The Goldbergs
"I was just skateboarding by, gleaming the cube and whatnot."
The Goldbergs
"Thought we could go grab a slushie."
The Goldbergs
"Oh, my God, are you trying to impress me by acting like Christian slater?"
The Goldbergs
"Is it working? No."
The Goldbergs
"And your clip-on earring just popped off."
The Goldbergs
"Okay, look, I, I just... I think you're great, okay?"
The Goldbergs
"I have since, like, second grade."
The Goldbergs
"Now, I know I made promises to my cousin,"
The Goldbergs
"but maybe we could go to homecoming together?"
The Goldbergs
"Oh, Geoff, this was sweet,"
The Goldbergs
"but I have a pretty firm "no moron" policy."
The Goldbergs
"Question, am I in that category? For sure."
The Goldbergs
"Uh, so, um... Okay, so I'll put you down for a "maybe.""
The Goldbergs
"God, what a putz. Am I right?"
The Goldbergs
"ADULT ADAM: At that moment, my dad realized that perhaps"
The Goldbergs
"his judgmental nature may have rubbed off on his daughter."
The Goldbergs
"And he decided to do something about it."
The Goldbergs
"Wow, who knew so many interesting"
The Goldbergs
"and attractive young men went to this school?"
The Goldbergs
"They're okay, I guess."
The Goldbergs
"Yeah, lots of fellas who look like they'd be worth getting to know."
The Goldbergs
"I should put myself out there more."
The Goldbergs
"Oh, look at that one with the stylish scarf and the sketchbook..."
The Goldbergs
"A poet and an artist, I bet."
The Goldbergs
"That's Dan. (CHUCKLES)"
The Goldbergs
"He's shy, but I think I could crack open that nut."
The Goldbergs
"Hey, how about that hot shot?"
The Goldbergs
"Is he a swimmer? He's built like a swimmer."
The Goldbergs
"Look at those shoulders. He swims, for sure."
The Goldbergs
"Will you shut up? I'm not even talking to you."
The Goldbergs
"Well, I certainly hope you're not talking to me."
The Goldbergs
"Hey, take it from someone who doesn't like people."
The Goldbergs
"If you close yourself off, you're gonna miss out on a lot."
The Goldbergs
"So my dad wants me to date more?"
The Goldbergs
"It's homecoming!"
The Goldbergs
"There's got to be a nice guy somewhere who deserves a chance."
The Goldbergs
"You're right!"
The Goldbergs
"I'm gonna go ask Dan to sit with me at lunch,"
The Goldbergs
"see what makes that guy tick."
The Goldbergs
"(GROANS) Thanks, Dad."
The Goldbergs
"Yes, this is amazing!"
The Goldbergs
"Your dad actually provided you with real wisdom for once."
The Goldbergs
"Chill, I didn't say I was going to the dance."
The Goldbergs
"I just said I would consider it if an idiot asked me."
The Goldbergs
"Got it. We'll play it cool and casually spread the word."
The Goldbergs
"Attention, entire school!"
The Goldbergs
"This is Erica Goldberg,"
The Goldbergs
"and she will go to homecoming with anyone willing to ask."
The Goldbergs
"Barry, sit your ass down right now."
The Goldbergs
"Uh, to clarify, she's not a desperate loser."
The Goldbergs
"She's just super closed-off, and the door's open a crack. (CHUCKLES)"
The Goldbergs
"Which reminds me, Dan, we're hanging out after school."
The Goldbergs
"I, I have a dentist appointment, bro."
The Goldbergs
"Cancel it! We're building something here!"
The Goldbergs
"Get down."
The Goldbergs
"Subtle. Thank you."
The Goldbergs
"Well, the good news is now we can just sit back and wait."
The Goldbergs
"Well, don't hold your breath. (SCOFFS)"
The Goldbergs
"(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)"
The Goldbergs
"'Sup?"
The Goldbergs
"Hi."
The Goldbergs
"I'm Johnny Atkins. Heard you needed a date to homecoming."
The Goldbergs
"Sure, I guess."
The Goldbergs
"You ever been out with a first chair in the school band before?"
The Goldbergs
"No."
The Goldbergs
"Well, it's everything you ever imagined."
The Goldbergs
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