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Clips from Broad City - House-Sitting (S04E04)

"Respect the ones who only jerk off. The other ones are in the news."
Broad City
"No, no, no!"
Broad City
"We can't control our thoughts, dude. Jerking off is not a crime."
Broad City
"Well, it depends on where you do it."
Broad City
"and believe me, we're not talking about that for a couple of years..."
Broad City
"I hope their teachers are jerking off to them."
Broad City
"off my hot-ass, bl-ewish kids, then yeah."
Broad City
"You ever jerk off to JTT?"
Broad City
"Jonathan Taylor Thomas? Yeah, I mean, all the time."
Broad City
"As he was on "Home Improvement," that poreless, olive skin?"
Broad City
"Or as he is now, a present day, 31-year-old actor?"
Broad City
"I've been jerking off to a teenager every other night."
Broad City
"We're all jerking off to teenagers."
Broad City
"And I'll tell you what, they're jerking off to us too."
Broad City
"When you say it like that, it's not creepy at all."
Broad City
"Yes, dude. Jerking off is all we got."
Broad City
"It literally saves the world."
Broad City
"Thank you."
Broad City
"(GRUNTS)"
Broad City
"Oh..."
Broad City
"It's for the look I don't light it"
Broad City
"Love it."
Broad City
"Don't even, it's..."
Broad City
"I'm a grown man, so I should have more control"
Broad City
"over my pelvic flow, that's all."
Broad City
"No, farts are part of the total relationship package."
Broad City
"- Yeah? - Mm-hmm."
Broad City
"(BREAKS WIND) Yes!"
Broad City
"(GASPS) (BREAKS WIND)"
Broad City
"Yeah. This is like a break dance battle, but not at all."
Broad City
"That was different from the others."
Broad City
"(CHOKING)"
Broad City
"Hey, Ilana, have some perspective."
Broad City
"You shat yourself at a party five weeks ago."
Broad City
"It's fine. If we met right now, you'd just be, like,"
Broad City
"a hot dude who happens to teach."
Broad City
"All right."
Broad City
"Yes, this is, uh, it's amazing."
Broad City
"His and hers casket sheets."
Broad City
"This is amazing..."
Broad City
"(SIGHS) Oh, I forgot to tell you we have brunch with Abbi and Jaime on Saturday."
Broad City
"Oh, I can't, I already have golf with Dr. Tims."
Broad City
"Okay, I guess we have to make a shared Google Calendar now"
Broad City
"so we don't double-book all the time."
Broad City
"Sounds like a great idea. I love Google Calendar."
Broad City
""Current events...""
Broad City
"That's not good. Books..."
Broad City
"Ay!"
Broad City
"Ay, stop it! My stitches!"
Broad City
"My stitches! Please! Please!"
Broad City
"I really enjoy Monet's early impressionism."
Broad City
"I mean, I was reading about his process"
Broad City
"- in The New Yorker... - Hold on a second."
Broad City
"You read The New Yorker?"
Broad City
"Wow, like, the whole thing?"
Broad City
"Yeah. Yeah, I usually get through it."
Broad City
"That's so hot. That's, like..."
Broad City
""Pretend like it's day one.""
Broad City
"Damn, reading is so dope. (CHUCKLES)"
Broad City
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall"
Broad City
"Feelin' like a stripper when I'm lookin' in the mirror"
Broad City
"Calling Dr. Rice. I have a bad cavity"
Broad City
"that needs to get drill..."
Broad City
"to enter this sexless fart party."
Broad City
"When was the last time we even had sex?"
Broad City
"We had sex an hour ago."
Broad City
"- Oh, good. Chess pieces. - There's chess pieces."
Broad City
"- Oh! - Yeah."
Broad City
"Um, I didn't."
Broad City
"But, I don't know, is there any..."
Broad City
"Extra credit I can do to bring my grade up?"
Broad City
"Looks like you're getting a big, fat "D" this semester."
Broad City
"(JAIME WHIMPERING)"
Broad City
"Jaime, don't get hard."
Broad City
"Okay, I gotta hash this out."
Broad City
"Like, are we aiming at forever?"
Broad City
"- That seems ridiculous. - No."
Broad City
"I don't wanna do anything forever."
Broad City
"I like spaghetti, but I don't wanna die with spaghetti."
Broad City
"Yeah, 'cause lifetime implies death."
Broad City
"Let's say you won a lifetime supply of Doritos."
Broad City
"you got all these Doritos."
Broad City
"Then after a while, every time you went to grab a bag of Doritos,"
Broad City
"you're like, "Oh, I wanna die.""
Broad City
"- (SIGHS) - So this is what I propose."
Broad City
"And then after that year, we check in with each other."
Broad City
"- And thank you for all the food metaphors. - You're welcome."
Broad City
"I was eating spaghetti and Doritos yesterday."
Broad City
"That's probably why my farts smell so violent."
Broad City
"I'd really appreciate that."
Broad City
"(MACHINE RUMBLING)"
Broad City
"(WHISPERING) Jaime, be strong."
Broad City
"Should we be doing this? You're so young."
Broad City
"I mean, I'm 28."
Broad City
"Yeah... I am only 17."
Broad City
"Yeah, like, you don't even know how to drive."
Broad City
"No, I just got my license."
Broad City
"I mean, it's actually just my permit."
Broad City
"There you are, Abbi."
Broad City
"Hold on. Get off, get off."
Broad City
"- Okay, um... - Sorry."
Broad City
"Were you just pulling my skin back"
Broad City
"so I looked more like a child?"
Broad City
"- What the fuck? - JAIME: Okay, no more!"
Broad City
"- Excuse me! Excuse me! - Jaime!"
Broad City
"- Why are you in here right now? - Well, I'm so sorry, okay?"
Broad City
"But I was trying to hide in the children's room"
Broad City
"so I wouldn't get hard."
Broad City
"Yeah, you know what, Richard? That was disgusting, for one."
Broad City
"For two, I exfoliate, like, almost every other day."
Broad City
"Abbi, skincare is challenging."
Broad City
"- Oh, my God. - But we were role playing."
Broad City
"All right, well, that's it."
Broad City
"But first, I want to thank you."
Broad City
"That image will forever harden my soul"
Broad City
"but soften my peepee."
Broad City
"Namaste, you sick, sick man."
Broad City
"Look, Abbi, it takes two to Bumble."
Broad City
"- Yeah. - I'm not your teacher."
Broad City
"- You're not my student. - Okay."
Broad City
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