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Clips from The Ranch - Back Where I Come From (S01E01)

Movies 1989 Season 1, Episode 1 517 clips
Thriller

Episodes from this show

Yes, sir. Living room!
"Yes, sir. Living room!"
The Ranch
I thought you were gonna take a look at that tractor
"I thought you were gonna take a look at that tractor"
The Ranch
and try and see what was...
"and try and see what was..."
The Ranch
you know, cold.
"you know, cold."
The Ranch
I put it on the fridge.
"I put it on the fridge."
The Ranch
You know, you get to spray it up and melt it down.
"You know, you get to spray it up and melt it down."
The Ranch
What are you doing here?
"What are you doing here?"
The Ranch
I'm 35.
"I'm 35."
The Ranch
Fine. You know what? That's...
"Fine. You know what? That's..."
The Ranch
That's a stupid haircut.
"That's a stupid haircut."
The Ranch
All right. You know what?
"All right. You know what?"
The Ranch
Well, speaking of women who don't like being cheated on,
"Well, speaking of women who don't like being cheated on,"
The Ranch
Don't go making accusations when you don't know the whole story.
"Don't go making accusations when you don't know the whole story."
The Ranch
There we go. There we go.
"There we go. There we go."
The Ranch
I got a tryout...
"I got a tryout..."
The Ranch
And I just need a place to stay for a couple days.
"And I just need a place to stay for a couple days."
The Ranch
Every opportunity you've had...
"Every opportunity you've had..."
The Ranch
I'm talking about high school, college, and the pros...
"I'm talking about high school, college, and the pros..."
The Ranch
My work is done.
"My work is done."
The Ranch
Not even for your favorite son?
"Not even for your favorite son?"
The Ranch
Aw!
"Aw!"
The Ranch
Oh, no. That was a playoff beard.
"Oh, no. That was a playoff beard."
The Ranch
You know I can't grow here.
"You know I can't grow here."
The Ranch
The owner's kind of a pain in my ass.
"The owner's kind of a pain in my ass."
The Ranch
That's why the owner lives in her own Airstream now.
"That's why the owner lives in her own Airstream now."
The Ranch
Come on. Let's grab a table.
"Come on. Let's grab a table."
The Ranch
She saved a horse and rode a cowboy.
"She saved a horse and rode a cowboy."
The Ranch
Then yes, I am.
"Then yes, I am."
The Ranch
So, uh, 17?
"So, uh, 17?"
The Ranch
You were really hot.
"You were really hot."
The Ranch
Duh.
"Duh."
The Ranch
I was six.
"I was six."
The Ranch
Oh, '99...
"Oh, '99..."
The Ranch
Carry the one. And that would make you 24?
"Carry the one. And that would make you 24?"
The Ranch
- I'm 22. - Even better.
"- I'm 22. - Even better."
The Ranch
You know, now seems like a bad time to be honest.
"You know, now seems like a bad time to be honest."
The Ranch
Wait. Backup? But you were the best ever.
"Wait. Backup? But you were the best ever."
The Ranch
I know Heather. How's your mom?
"I know Heather. How's your mom?"
The Ranch
She's a fine woman.
"She's a fine woman."
The Ranch
Sorry.
"Sorry."
The Ranch
Because he's not good at it.
"Because he's not good at it."
The Ranch
So, come on.
"So, come on."
The Ranch
I'm gonna go hang out with Heather.
"I'm gonna go hang out with Heather."
The Ranch
- What other bastard? - God.
"- What other bastard? - God."
The Ranch
Yeah. Why do you think I left, Dad? Because of you.
"Yeah. Why do you think I left, Dad? Because of you."
The Ranch
Ah, it ain't breathing.
"Ah, it ain't breathing."
The Ranch
Damn, this is the last thing I need.
"Damn, this is the last thing I need."
The Ranch
Jesus, finally.
"Jesus, finally."
The Ranch
you always wanna use the same arm.
"you always wanna use the same arm."
The Ranch
Yeah, that was not the vagina I thought I'd be in tonight.
"Yeah, that was not the vagina I thought I'd be in tonight."
The Ranch
After you left, that wasn't much of an option.
"After you left, that wasn't much of an option."
The Ranch
So you felt like you were stuck?
"So you felt like you were stuck?"
The Ranch
Well, you must think I'm...
"Well, you must think I'm..."
The Ranch
But...
"But..."
The Ranch
Mom?
"Mom?"
The Ranch
Your father.
"Your father."
The Ranch
No, that does not help at all!
"No, that does not help at all!"
The Ranch
Yeah, I think so. I'm a little nervous.
"Yeah, I think so. I'm a little nervous."
The Ranch
Yeah. Dad told me it's been kinda rough around here.
"Yeah. Dad told me it's been kinda rough around here."
The Ranch
Figure if I give it 110%...
"Figure if I give it 110%..."
The Ranch
Are you kidding? I got paid more than that for playing in college.
"Are you kidding? I got paid more than that for playing in college."
The Ranch
Look, I know it's not the big time, but the quality of play is pretty decent.
"Look, I know it's not the big time, but the quality of play is pretty decent."
The Ranch
And occasionally NFL scouts do come to these games.
"And occasionally NFL scouts do come to these games."
The Ranch
Yeah, no, I get it.
"Yeah, no, I get it."
The Ranch
You can't win the lotto if you don't buy a ticket, right?
"You can't win the lotto if you don't buy a ticket, right?"
The Ranch
or the gun rack next to the fridge, or the gun rack in the bathroom,
"or the gun rack next to the fridge, or the gun rack in the bathroom,"
The Ranch
or the second gun rack in the bathroom.
"or the second gun rack in the bathroom."
The Ranch
Screw you.
"Screw you."
The Ranch
So...
"So..."
The Ranch
Really?
"Really?"
The Ranch
Here.
"Here."
The Ranch
You don't wanna start this with me, Dad.
"You don't wanna start this with me, Dad."
The Ranch
And then you drove Mom out of here!
"And then you drove Mom out of here!"
The Ranch
Hell, I left the gate open, even the cows tried to get away from you!
"Hell, I left the gate open, even the cows tried to get away from you!"
The Ranch
- You... - Hey!
"- You... - Hey!"
The Ranch
It's rainin'.
"It's rainin'."
The Ranch
Were you?
"Were you?"
The Ranch
That's not the point. The mascot's job is to support the team.
"That's not the point. The mascot's job is to support the team."
The Ranch
including me.
"including me."
The Ranch
The Bennetts.
"The Bennetts."
The Ranch
You know, I just wanna point out...
"You know, I just wanna point out..."
The Ranch
that the rain did not arrive until I did.
"that the rain did not arrive until I did."
The Ranch
Rooster, you home?
"Rooster, you home?"
The Ranch
Check it out.
"Check it out."
The Ranch
Colt's home.
"Colt's home."
The Ranch
What the hell are you doing here?
"What the hell are you doing here?"
The Ranch
I thought you were up in Canada playing amateur's football.
"I thought you were up in Canada playing amateur's football."
The Ranch
Uh, semi-pro. Yeah, I was playing for the Saskatoon Cold.
"Uh, semi-pro. Yeah, I was playing for the Saskatoon Cold."
The Ranch
It's like the Miami Heat, except...
"It's like the Miami Heat, except..."
The Ranch
Yeah, we know.
"Yeah, we know."
The Ranch
We also heard you got arrested
"We also heard you got arrested"
The Ranch
for flashing Shania Twain while you were up there.
"for flashing Shania Twain while you were up there."
The Ranch
How'd you even hear about that?
"How'd you even hear about that?"
The Ranch
It was in the paper.
"It was in the paper."
The Ranch
Former high school phenom Colt Bennett shows Shania his Twain.
"Former high school phenom Colt Bennett shows Shania his Twain."
The Ranch
First time you made the front page since the state finals.
"First time you made the front page since the state finals."
The Ranch
All right, listen to this.
"All right, listen to this."
The Ranch
I... They got this hotel up there made entirely of ice, okay?
"I... They got this hotel up there made entirely of ice, okay?"
The Ranch
And so, I'm a little drunk, and I...
"And so, I'm a little drunk, and I..."
The Ranch
and I see this sweet ice sculpture of Wayne Gretzky.
"and I see this sweet ice sculpture of Wayne Gretzky."
The Ranch
And naturally, I think, I could take a wizz on him.
"And naturally, I think, I could take a wizz on him."
The Ranch
It's like when you go to the fancy restaurant
"It's like when you go to the fancy restaurant"
The Ranch
and they put the ice in the pisser.
"and they put the ice in the pisser."
The Ranch
Yeah.
"Yeah."
The Ranch
So, I'm taking a piss in The Great One's mouth.
"So, I'm taking a piss in The Great One's mouth."
The Ranch
And I almost got a hole all the way through the back of his head.
"And I almost got a hole all the way through the back of his head."
The Ranch
He shoots, he scores.
"He shoots, he scores."
The Ranch
When I slip...
"When I slip..."
The Ranch
Bam! I slide balls first into Miss Shania Twain.
"Bam! I slide balls first into Miss Shania Twain."
The Ranch
Did she look down and say, That don't impress me much?
"Did she look down and say, That don't impress me much?"
The Ranch
No. She said, That makes me feel like a woman.
"No. She said, That makes me feel like a woman."
The Ranch
What? Can't just stop in and say hi to my family?
"What? Can't just stop in and say hi to my family?"
The Ranch
I remember last time you stopped by.
"I remember last time you stopped by."
The Ranch
Said you were done with football.
"Said you were done with football."
The Ranch
You wanted to start helping out around here.
"You wanted to start helping out around here."
The Ranch
How long ago was that, Rooster?
"How long ago was that, Rooster?"
The Ranch
About six years?
"About six years?"
The Ranch
Yes, sir. It was on my birthday.
"Yes, sir. It was on my birthday."
The Ranch
We were all supposed to go to dinner but you guys just fought the whole time.
"We were all supposed to go to dinner but you guys just fought the whole time."
The Ranch
Hey, I got ten bucks anyone in here knows how old I am.
"Hey, I got ten bucks anyone in here knows how old I am."
The Ranch