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Clips from Veep - Full Disclosure (S01E01)

"VIC: (ON RADIO) 80 Vice President Meyer is under pressure today, Rod."
Veep
"I have a black belt in Mike Kwan Do."
Veep
"-ROD: Uh-oh, Blame Me Brookheimer. -(VIC LAUGHS)"
Veep
"Stop laughing there, Vic. That’s treason."
Veep
"You must have a huge schaden-boner over this Amy flack."
Veep
"I'm trying to watch TV. Would you please move?"
Veep
"...and probably career-ending humiliation, Jonah."
Veep
"Yeah, you know, she’ll probably go a little menstrual."
Veep
"like the contents of a broken fucking condom."
Veep
"That's very funny, Bill. (CHUCKLING) You're fired."
Veep
"Secret as in, ”Shut the fuck up.”"
Veep
"All right, I'm gonna be in my office."
Veep
"Oh, Gary, did the Veep just bitch slap you with a door?"
Veep
"Selina's had a miscarriage."
Veep
"Nicely done, Dandroid."
Veep
"Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say."
Veep
"Yeah, okay, Ted. I'll call you back, then."
Veep
"So that's. .."
Veep
"Wow, Gary."
Veep
"That was quick. Look at that."
Veep
"The skyscraper of shit has arrived."
Veep
"What are you talking about?"
Veep
"Selina Meyer, has this Veep lost control?"
Veep
"WOMAN: What is the mental state of a Veep that fires a man for smiling?"
Veep
"-Get him out. -Hey, don't shoot the messenger."
Veep
"I have a much longer reach."
Veep
"I mean, how are we gonna shut this negativity down?"
Veep
"AMY: Yeah, well, it's inaccurate."
Veep
"Technically, the Secret Service guy was reassigned."
Veep
"And technically this is a fully functioning office, too."
Veep
"You are the closest to normal we've got going in this office right now."
Veep
"Thanks, I think."
Veep
"Yeah, publish everything."
Veep
"I mean, you can't read everything."
Veep
"So by showing that we have nothing to hide,"
Veep
"All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this."
Veep
"I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence."
Veep
"We don't want to have a paper trail on Clean Jobs."
Veep
"Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure."
Veep
"-Massages? What massages? -That's good."
Veep
"Okay, okay. I think we can live with that. Shall we release the logs from the residence?"
Veep
"Just a random example might be"
Veep
"that would be completely wrong and it would be curtains for everyone."
Veep
"Yes, ma'am."
Veep
"I'm sorry I snapped at you there."
Veep
"that you lost... That you're no longer pregnant."
Veep
"I think that Ted is getting ready to dump me."
Veep
"No, no, my..."
Veep
"-It's fine. -Okay."
Veep
"Let me see this. Look, I can still read the names, okay?"
Veep
"with the IDGN number redacting"
Veep
"if you're behind on the IGDN number redacting."
Veep
"Okay, folks, 12 hours. Let's make it happen."
Veep
"You good?"
Veep
"Cup of joe for the guys. Man, I need it."
Veep
"I could pass out right now."
Veep
"You said this was a homeland security issue."
Veep
"Presented a Thanksgiving turkey."
Veep
"(SIGHS) Do you mind?"
Veep
"It's nothing to smile about."
Veep
"I'm also looking after my uncle. He has dementia."
Veep
"Does he ever say anything funny?"
Veep
"They're not supposed to be grinning like some ape."
Veep
"For what?"
Veep
"I'm going into coffee shops, I'm going into meetings,"
Veep
"and people are looking at me and whispering."
Veep
"Uh, Dick Cake."
Veep
"Some of the bloggers are linking Ted's overnighters to the pregnancy rumors."
Veep
"Okay, I'm gonna get you a cup of rose hip tea."
Veep
"Mike McLintock, Press Officer?"
Veep
"Chief of Staff Amy Brookheimer, or Selina Meyer herself?"
Veep
"Of course, she bears ultimate responsibility."
Veep
"(TURNS OFF TV)"
Veep
"All right, get him out of here, Dan."
Veep
"Oh, that's clever, Dan."
Veep
"Ace play, Shakespeare. Really."
Veep
"When in doubt, call a vet an ape."
Veep
"Remind me, who did you blackmail to get this job?"
Veep
"that is completely non-fucking-functioning."
Veep
"So what are we gonna do?"
Veep
"That's right. Does anybody have a better idea?"
Veep
"All right, so..."
Veep
"-Sue. -Sue."
Veep
"But seriously, Sue's not important enough."
Veep
"Who is?"
Veep
"Hey, suck-up isn't gonna fix a fuck-up, Dan."
Veep
"All right? You're not exempt."
Veep
"I understand."
Veep
"You need to respect Gary's stuff here."
Veep
"Look, this is my fucking private life."
Veep
"-Oh, God! -What?"
Veep
"Uh, Gary?"
Veep
"Yeah, I want you to let him go."
Veep
"or anything like that, okay?"
Veep
"With all due respect, ma'am, wouldn't it be better if it came from you?"
Veep
"because I think that he is about to dump me."
Veep
"I'm gonna be the dumper."
Veep
"Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)"
Veep
"It's really sweet for you to say that."
Veep
"-She can go off, can't she? -Yeah."
Veep
"-Yeah, sorry about that. -That's okay."
Veep
"No, but you need to do a drop-in on the gaming association in 303."
Veep
"What happened, buddy? You want to talk about it?"
Veep
"Wait a second. Did you just call me buddy?"
Veep
"You don't listen to me. You never listen to me. What's going on?"
Veep
"Come on, we just want to know what she's thinking."
Veep
"I'm not gonna tell you anything."
Veep
"All right, you know what? Forget about the specifics."
Veep
"Who does she get rid of?"
Veep
"Oh, come on. Work it out."
Veep
"-Gary, the Veep needs her lunch. -I'm on it."
Veep
"I'd rather be a pig than an ass-monkey up on his high horse."
Veep
"She's not gonna fire both of us. That would look like a crisis."
Veep
"-What? -Yeah. A classic move."
Veep
"I came across a little email from you to Macauley's Chief of Staff."
Veep
"Oh, we got fired."
Veep
"(GROANS)"
Veep
"Don't be jealous that we've taken that step, Sue."
Veep
"Too late. What's her shoe size?"
Veep
"-Seven. -Seven and a half."
Veep
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