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Clips from NewsRadio - Wino (S05E05)

"He's been real helpful in that area. Solid guy."
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"Yeah, that's nice."
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"Okay, cut the act, pal."
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"We know you're evil"
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"Chump, you are capital B, busted."
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"We decided to investigate your innocent act."
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"After extensive investigation,"
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"including interviews with other winos"
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"at your subway stop..."
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"which, I might add, was my whole Laundromat collection--"
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"...we have determined that among your few possessions"
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"was this incriminating library book."
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"And it's overdue."
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""The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.""
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"It is our contention you planned on utilizing these habits"
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"for your new attack on Jimmy James, Incorporated."
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"Overdue!"
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"Joe, in the index to this book,"
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"which I found and used as a pillow,"
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"is there a listing for fortified wine, drinking of?"
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"No."
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"Would the seven habits of highly effective people"
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"include eating out of trash cans"
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"or sleeping in one's clothes?"
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"probably would save a lot of time."
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"Yeah, that's right. He's-- He's right in there."
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"He's putting on a new suit. He's getting all worked up"
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"to propose to you and everything."
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"This is just sad."
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"Now, go in there and put him out of his misery."
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"Lisa, I know a certain homeless person"
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"that's looking pretty good."
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"Thanks, Matthew."
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"JOE: Come on, freak."
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"[GROANS]"
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"That's really good-- You go in there."
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"[LAUGHS]"
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"Uh, no-- No, wait. Wait-- Wait, don't go, no, don't, no, don't."
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"Well, I guess she decided to let him down easy."
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"Well, that was exceedingly awkward."
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"She was supposed to turn him away"
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"and thus crush him."
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"It was a good plan, Mr. James."
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"Yeah."
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"The problem was merely that Lisa wasn't up to the job."
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"Uh-huh. Meaning?"
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"Meaning I should have been the one to break his heart."
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"Dave, don't you see what's gonna happen now, huh?"
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"No, I-- I mean, Johnny's gonna get Lisa back."
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"He's gonna regain his self-esteem."
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"He's gonna kick the booze"
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"He's gonna take over my company."
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"I'm gonna be living in a flophouse in the Bowery."
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"S-sir, I really don't think you have anything to worry about."
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"Dave, I don't look good poor."
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"Well, anyway, I said to him, you know,"
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""I'm not panhandling, I'm begging."
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"There's a difference." [BOTH LAUGH]"
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"Oh, Johnny."
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"Oh, jeez."
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"Um, Lisa?"
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"Oh, hi, Dave."
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"Hi. Yeah-- Could I speak to you in my office for just a moment?"
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"Wait for you right here, darling."
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"I'll count the seconds."
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"Do you promise? Cross my heart."
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"Huh?"
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"and I want him gone now."
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"No. Huh...?"
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"Well, yes. A little bit."
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"I mean, my brain wants to say "no""
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"Okay, what did he do? Did he beg?"
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"No. I'm afraid he didn't have to."
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"I wanted to let him down easy."
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"But the minute I look into those big brown eyes"
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"it's like a tractor beam for my tongue."
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"Yuck."
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"I'm gonna have to back that up."
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"The minute I look at him,"
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"I just forget about all the pain he caused me"
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"and how long it took me to get over him,"
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"I mean, it's just his eyes and his shoulders"
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"and that smell."
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"He smells like vomit."
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"[♪]"
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"Oh, here come the cowboys."
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"Opes quad, amigos."
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"[CLEARS THROAT] Um, Johnny,"
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"I know you're all right."
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"Oh, you think that?"
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"It's a working hypothesis."
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"Let me tell you something, Joe. Uh, evil makes a terrific hobby"
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"and all I could do was just veg out in front of the idiot box."
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"That's good. See?"
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"All right."
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"But I better not catch you trying to muscle in"
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"on Mr. James' business again"
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"Price club?"
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"Yeah, because when I open up"
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"a can of whoop-ass on somebody, it's industrial-sized."
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"Guys, do you mind if I talk to Johnny for a moment?"
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"Yeah, but take it easy on him. He seems to be pretty reformed."
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"Johnny's Jewish?"
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"[CLEARS THROAT]"
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"Where's Lisa?"
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"Johnny, I think you should just forget about Lisa."
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"Why is that?"
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"Johnny, you should leave, all right?"
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"It'll be best for everyone."
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"Dave, how can you ask me to leave heaven"
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"when I can still taste it on my lips?"
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"It's salty, warm."
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"Never dull. That's Lisa."
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"Yeah. I hope you don't mind."
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"No, of course not, Johnny."
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"Now, Johnny, I-- I do believe that you've reformed"
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"But it's just not gonna happen with you and Lisa, all right?"
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"Says you."
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"Why hasn't she said that to my face?"
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"with the way you smell."
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