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Clips from NewsRadio - Wino (S05E05)

Yeah, here. I, uh... I got a penny.

"Yeah, here. I, uh... I got a penny."

NewsRadio

Hey, you're welcome.

"Hey, you're welcome."

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Not.

"Not."

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Max.

"Max."

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I trusted you. I thought you were my friend.

"I trusted you. I thought you were my friend."

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But you were just using me as part of your evil scheme.

"But you were just using me as part of your evil scheme."

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Wow, I feel about 3 feet tall.

"Wow, I feel about 3 feet tall."

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So anybody else? Quarter?

"So anybody else? Quarter?"

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You'll get no quarters here, Johnny.

"You'll get no quarters here, Johnny."

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I think you should go, Johnny.

"I think you should go, Johnny."

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Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Dave,

"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Dave,"

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but I have some unfinished business here.

"but I have some unfinished business here."

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Lisa. Lisa, come here.

"Lisa. Lisa, come here."

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Look.

"Look."

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Hey, sugar puss.

"Hey, sugar puss."

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Remember? That's Johnny Johnson. You almost married him.

"Remember? That's Johnny Johnson. You almost married him."

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Yeah. Yeah, of course I-- I remember.

"Yeah. Yeah, of course I-- I remember."

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How you doing, Johnny?

"How you doing, Johnny?"

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and I've come to make good on my promise.

"and I've come to make good on my promise."

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I want you to be my wife.

"I want you to be my wife."

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No kidding?

"No kidding?"

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Hold on, Dave. I'm just putting myself together.

"Hold on, Dave. I'm just putting myself together."

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Well, I'm not going away empty-handed.

"Well, I'm not going away empty-handed."

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Which reminds me--

"Which reminds me--"

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No, I don't have any change.

"No, I don't have any change."

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Maybe later.

"Maybe later."

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Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh."

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You're also insane.

"You're also insane."

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Looking back, what was the one major obstacle

"Looking back, what was the one major obstacle"

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that kept me and Lisa apart?

"that kept me and Lisa apart?"

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I don't know. Maybe it's the fact

"I don't know. Maybe it's the fact"

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that you're an evil bastard.

"that you're an evil bastard."

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Exactly.

"Exactly."

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Guess what? I'm not evil anymore.

"Guess what? I'm not evil anymore."

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Oh, really? Well, congratulations.

"Oh, really? Well, congratulations."

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What, did you use a patch or something?

"What, did you use a patch or something?"

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Dave, I learned more about honor and courage on the streets

"Dave, I learned more about honor and courage on the streets"

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than I ever did in any corporate boardroom.

"than I ever did in any corporate boardroom."

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And now, nothing stands in the way

"And now, nothing stands in the way"

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of our perfect love match.

"of our perfect love match."

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Except the fact you're a smelly, homeless drunk.

"Except the fact you're a smelly, homeless drunk."

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I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry."

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Be real. This is Johnny we're talking about.

"Be real. This is Johnny we're talking about."

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He's always working on nine different levels.

"He's always working on nine different levels."

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Actually, no, I think Johnny's only working on two levels.

"Actually, no, I think Johnny's only working on two levels."

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[LAUGHS]

"[LAUGHS]"

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Well, there's only one way to find out.

"Well, there's only one way to find out."

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What's that? Marry him.

"What's that? Marry him."

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Will you vultures leave this woman alone?

"Will you vultures leave this woman alone?"

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It's okay. I understand.

"It's okay. I understand."

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BOTH: What?

"BOTH: What?"

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Not like that.

"Not like that."

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You're a macho man?

"You're a macho man?"

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Yes.

"Yes."

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You know, he does kind of look like that Indian guy

"You know, he does kind of look like that Indian guy"

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from the Village People.

"from the Village People."

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Now, your finer muscatels, a dollar ninety-eight and up,

"Now, your finer muscatels, a dollar ninety-eight and up,"

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Did I hear right?

"Did I hear right?"

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Is there a certain arch nemesis of mine

"Is there a certain arch nemesis of mine"

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in this office here?

"in this office here?"

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Well, of course he lives on the street.

"Well, of course he lives on the street."

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Hm? You're not--? You're not surprised?

"Hm? You're not--? You're not surprised?"

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and ruin his credit rating.

"and ruin his credit rating."

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I call it my deluxe severance package.

"I call it my deluxe severance package."

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And, uh, Johnny, you're not at all bitter about this?

"And, uh, Johnny, you're not at all bitter about this?"

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No. Why should he be? It's just business.

"No. Why should he be? It's just business."

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Don't you ever tangle with this guy, Dave.

"Don't you ever tangle with this guy, Dave."

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He will mess you up but good.

"He will mess you up but good."

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[BOTH CHUCKLE]

"[BOTH CHUCKLE]"

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So, what the hell are you doing right now?

"So, what the hell are you doing right now?"

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I'm a wino. Oh.

"I'm a wino. Oh."

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Well, how's, uh--? How's that treating you?

"Well, how's, uh--? How's that treating you?"

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Funny you should ask.

"Funny you should ask."

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Whoa! Hey, do you hear that, Dave? King of the damn winos.

"Whoa! Hey, do you hear that, Dave? King of the damn winos."

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Boy, oh, boy.

"Boy, oh, boy."

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Can't keep a good man down, can you?

"Can't keep a good man down, can you?"

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Just burns you up, doesn't it?

"Just burns you up, doesn't it?"

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I vowed to crush you, Johnny.

"I vowed to crush you, Johnny."

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And when Jimmy James crushes a man, he usually stays crushed.

"And when Jimmy James crushes a man, he usually stays crushed."

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Well, don't blame yourself.

"Well, don't blame yourself."

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No, the only thing that's kept me going

"No, the only thing that's kept me going"

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was knowing that I'll come back and marry Lisa Miller.

"was knowing that I'll come back and marry Lisa Miller."

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Dave, I demand that you call Security

"Dave, I demand that you call Security"

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removed from this office immediately.

"removed from this office immediately."

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Max, you can call Security yourself.

"Max, you can call Security yourself."

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Just-- Just hush up there, Max.

"Just-- Just hush up there, Max."

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You got that right.

"You got that right."

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Well, that's-- That's entirely different.

"Well, that's-- That's entirely different."

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but, you know, I'm a sucker.

"but, you know, I'm a sucker."

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I'm a sucker for the affairs of the heart.

"I'm a sucker for the affairs of the heart."

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I mean, I got a-- I got a stack of Harlequin romances,

"I mean, I got a-- I got a stack of Harlequin romances,"

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like, this tall back at the house, don't I, Max?

"like, this tall back at the house, don't I, Max?"

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I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

"I'll tell you what I'm gonna do."

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In fact, I'm gonna help you get back together with Lisa.

"In fact, I'm gonna help you get back together with Lisa."

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Mr. James, he hasn't suffered nearly enough.

"Mr. James, he hasn't suffered nearly enough."

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Ah, don't worry, Max. Jimmy's only offering to help

"Ah, don't worry, Max. Jimmy's only offering to help"

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because he thinks Lisa won't have anything to do with me

"because he thinks Lisa won't have anything to do with me"

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and then I'll end up more crushed than I already am.

"and then I'll end up more crushed than I already am."

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Whoa, what are you--? What are you talking about?

"Whoa, what are you--? What are you talking about?"

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That's just crazy talk.

"That's just crazy talk."

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Lisa, I just want to tell you that I've dated a lot of guys

"Lisa, I just want to tell you that I've dated a lot of guys"

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who are lower than Johnny Johnson is right now.

"who are lower than Johnny Johnson is right now."

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And they are plenty attractive.

"And they are plenty attractive."

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You've dated guys lower than Johnny?

"You've dated guys lower than Johnny?"

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There's a lot more to working in a shelter

"There's a lot more to working in a shelter"

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than ladling out the soup.

"than ladling out the soup."

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Lisa.

"Lisa."

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Yes, but that's not why I came here.

"Yes, but that's not why I came here."

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Go on.

"Go on."

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Tell her what you told us.

"Tell her what you told us."

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I know that you probably hate me.

"I know that you probably hate me."

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But believe me, never a day goes by

"But believe me, never a day goes by"

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without my thoughts turning to you.

"without my thoughts turning to you."

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in urine-soaked alleys,

"in urine-soaked alleys,"

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all I can think of is Lisa Miller.

"all I can think of is Lisa Miller."

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Gee, I can't believe that didn't work.

"Gee, I can't believe that didn't work."

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Yeah. Here, just-- Just have a drink. Loosen up a little bit.

"Yeah. Here, just-- Just have a drink. Loosen up a little bit."

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It looks like a certain wino's been saving his quarters.

"It looks like a certain wino's been saving his quarters."

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Jimmy got me these.

"Jimmy got me these."

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He said I needed to work on my presentation.

"He said I needed to work on my presentation."

NewsRadio

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