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Clips from The Good Place - What's My Motivation (S01E01)

"and when you died at that exact same moment,"
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"our system mistook you for him."
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"Perhaps because you share the exact same IQ."
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"- Cool. - No, not cool."
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"He stopped learning at the age of seven."
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"Okay, so, now, this is sort of a quick litmus test,"
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"basic questions designed to tell whether you were"
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"fundamentally good or bad."
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"Number one: Did you ever commit a serious crime?"
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"Yes, I blew up a guy's speedboat"
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"And..."
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"I stole an old lady's fake leg once on a dare."
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"Did you ever have a personalized license plate?"
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"Yeah, dawg."
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""I LUV BUTTS"."
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"Have... have you ever paid money to hear music performed by"
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"California funk rock band the Red Hot Chili Peppers?"
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"Yo, the Chilis?"
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"I once got arrested"
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"trying to steal Flea's bass guitar."
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"Oh, that was another serious crime I committed."
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"Is it just me,"
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"or am I acing this test?"
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"Oh, this is so, so bad."
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"when I found Eleanor, but somehow you are..."
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"you're so much worse."
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"No, don't... don't touch..."
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"Oh..."
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"How does that still work?"
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"Everything's gonna be fine, homie."
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"I don't know, B. What if it doesn't work?"
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"Hey, we thought of everything except for an alibi"
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"and an escape route, but we'll figure it out as we go."
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"You don't wanna over-think these things."
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"- I'm kinda freaking out here. - Pillboi, I got you."
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"This plan is foolproof."
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"And when it's over,"
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"we can finally have the lives we deserve."
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"DiGiorno!"
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"I am a safe installer here"
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"to install-a da safe."
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"So just a-point to where the guacamole money is,"
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"and I'll-a install-a da safe-a"
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"in da, how you say, a-place?"
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"Yeah, hi, we're being robbed."
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"J, they're on to us, man."
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"His hat's a golf ball,"
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"and he's a got a terrible mustache."
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"We need to get married now."
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"I do, for always and forever."
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"I do!"
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"Eleanor, for an utter novice, you have thrown a lovely party."
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"Well, thanks, but it's not working."
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"Not one more point."
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"What the fork?"
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"Oh, look, Michael's here. He can help."
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"Michael, would you do us the honor of saying a few words?"
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"I don't know that I'm in the right frame of mind."
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"Please, they'll listen to you."
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"Just pay me a few compliments."
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"You know, I'm great, heart of a champion,"
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"basically your muse, you get it."
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"Attention, everyone."
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"Michael would like to say a few words."
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"Hello, everyone. Good to see you all here,"
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"mingling around with your various secrets."
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"Who really knows which of you are who you say you are?"
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"No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right?"
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"Okay."
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"Take her easy."
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"Now, we shall hear from tonight's featured guest."
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"She's kind, she's humble,"
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"she's the Walmart of friends."
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"Did I use that word right?"
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"Eleanor Shellstrop."
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"Hi, everyone, I'm Eleanor."
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"Original flavor, not new and improved."
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"I know a lot of bad stuff has happened because of me,"
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"so if I caused you any harm,"
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"I'm truly sorry."
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"That's nice, Eleanor,"
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"but I still crashed into a turkey carcass."
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"And my dog got kicked into the sun."
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"What can you possibly say to us"
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"that'll make up for your actions?"
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"Pobody's nerfect?"
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""Pobody's nerfect"? That's hilarious."
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"Like "nobody's perfect," but the letters switched."
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"Eleanor, great job tonight."
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"Have you checked the, uh, the ticker?"
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"I could really use some good news."
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"Okay."
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"Gah, come on."
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"Well, the nightmare continues."
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"How did this not work?"
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"There's no way to increase my point total"
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"- I don't understand. - My motivation is corrupt."
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"Even when I do nice things, I'm only doing them"
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"so I can get something out of it,"
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"the ability to stay here,"
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"which means none of this had any real moral value."
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"It doesn't count."
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"Holy shirt."
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"I know what I have to do."
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"Okay, I am almost done with these personalized"
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""I'm sorry" notes to everyone in the neighborhood."
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"I need you guys to deliver everyone their notes,"
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"along with those T-shirts."
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"Well, granted, these are hilarious,"
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"but how is this going to help?"
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"Just trust me."
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"I'm gonna get the points."
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"Oh, good morning, Dad. Where you been?"
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"Oh, just walking around, contemplating my failure,"
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"Cool."
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"why don't you want me to see Janet?"
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"I'm a good guy."
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"All I want is to give Janet the life she deserves."
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"Janet is not built for human life,"
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"and I'm not sure you're much of a provider."
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