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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - The Chamber of Judgement (S03E03)

"that I joined accidentally. Accidentally joined."
What We Do in the Shadows
"- My man. - GUILLERMO: And then we went"
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"to that weird house with the vampire family,"
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"and they attacked us."
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"- SHANICE: Come on! Let's go! - GUILLERMO: We did it!"
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"- We actually found the... -[Shanice screams]"
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"And he was left behind. I-I left him behind."
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"- Where's Derek? - It's too late for him now."
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"I've had to live with that every day since that night, so..."
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"I-I-I thought he was dead."
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"-[bell tolls] - GUIDE: Derek,"
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"you have accrued the following charges:"
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"turning into a bat on the subway"
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"in an attempt to scare teenagers,"
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"stealing IV bags"
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"from blood donor centers across the city..."
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"Also, what are you wearing?"
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"You are wearing bad vampire fashions."
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"- That is the most heinous crime! - DEREK: Well, I mean,"
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"I didn't know where to get proper vampire finery,"
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"but the Hot Topic at the mall had some really great stuff."
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"I mean, they're fast fashion, but..."
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"GUIDE: If I may continue?"
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"Feeding on bystanders out in the open"
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"who have fallen asleep on park benches."
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"What's the alternative?"
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"Owning an unlicensed hellhound."
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"-[Nadja gasps] - I'm sorry, y-you mean Aspen? - Hey, boy."
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"- Nandor, be careful. [screams] - Are you in there? -[Aspen growling]"
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"-[growling stops] - Sit! - If I may please continue?!"
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"- Sorry. - GUIDE: We've got a lot to do!"
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"- NADJA: Sorry, yes. -[Guide clears throat]"
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"Owning an unlicensed hellhound."
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"Oh, that was actually it. Sorry. We're done."
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"- Okay. - NADJA: These crimes you have committed"
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"are despicable! [spits]"
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"What do you have to say for yourself?"
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"-[hisses] - I don't know. Whoops?"
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"That was a shit response,"
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"- wasn't it? - GUILLERMO: I-I'm sure"
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"what he meant to say is that surely"
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"there's an explanation somehow, right?"
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"I guess I just do fucked-up shit now."
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"That's just who I am."
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"A vampire that draws attention to vampirism"
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"is a threat to all vampires everywhere."
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"Yes. And, also, I was thinking,"
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"because we showed the other man mercy,"
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"for this one, I think we just balls to the wall,"
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"just go fucking crazy."
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"I agree completely."
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"- Well, I think that... - Then we are of one brain!"
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"We sentence you"
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"- to death! [laughs] - Death."
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"- I'm sorry, come again? - GUIDE: Derek, you are"
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"hereby sentenced to be thrown into the Well of Daylight,"
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"where you will die"
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"- by the rays of tomorrow's sunrise. -[Nadja laughs]"
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"[whispers]: Derek. Hey."
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"- Guillermo. Hey, dude. - GUILLERMO: Just wanted"
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"to stop by and say, um... I'm sorry."
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"This is all my fault. I could've done more."
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"It should've been me that was left behind."
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"No, no, no. There's no way you could've known-- Ah!"
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"- No, Derek, stay away from the sun. - Ah!"
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"[Derek groaning, whooping]"
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"I thought that was obvious."
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"Well, you know, I sort of wish"
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"maybe you'd looked me up and, I don't know,"
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"given me a rule book or something."
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"Is there even a rule book-- Ah! Goddamn it!"
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"Get out of the sun, Derek!"
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"-[Derek shouting] - No! Just follow"
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"the sound of my voice! This way."
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"-[pained groaning] - Geez."
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"-[sizzling] - That is gonna scab."
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"I thought that would be common sense to-- You know what?"
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"Here. Put this on and cover yourself with it, okay?"
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"Don't move. I'm gonna get you out of here."
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"Thanks, Guillermo."
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"Ah, damn it!"
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"You know, I've been thinking..."
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"Oh, great."
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"I was actually surprised that you let Nadja"
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"talk you into killing that Derek guy."
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"I didn't let Nadja talk me into doing anything."
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"Really? And yet you let Nadja steamroll over you like that..."
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"- Are you done? - Yes, but..."
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"- Good. - You said..."
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"GUILLERMO: I thought I had mastered the game."
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"Just whispering in people's ears. [chuckles]"
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"- Between you and I... - Hmm? [giggles]"
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"GUILLERMO: Calling the shots."
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"People have been saying that"
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"you just sentenced that Derek guy to death because"
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"[whispers]: you let Nandor walk all over you."
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"Have a fucking day off, Guillermo."
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"No one said that. Please do not talk anymore."
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"But I think I really biffed this one."
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"JUDGE: Garry Degen v. Sean Rinaldi?"
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"Present and accounted for, Your Honor."
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"It says here you have representation?"
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"[laughs]: Oh, yeah."
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"Have no fear. Here I am."
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"Sean has been done an injustice,"
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"and I won't stand for it. Luckily for him,"
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"I am no stranger to the song and dance of the courtroom,"
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"for I myself used to be a barrister on the Queen's Bench."
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"Mainly representing myself for crimes"
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"such as soliciting and pornography."
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"But I've mainly defended a lot of hogs."
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"And horses."
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"JUDGE: What is this, some kind of Hamilton thing?"
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"- What? - COLIN: Your Honor, if I may,"
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"New York State Statute 82"
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"clearly states that legal counsel's attire cannot be"
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"- discriminated against. - JUDGE: All right, fine."
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"Oh, yeah. I googled that this morning"
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"when I saw him in that old lady's wig."
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"My only other duty as his de facto paralegal seems to be"
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