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Clips from What We Do in the Shadows - The Chamber of Judgement (S03E03)

"hauling around his file boxes, which--"
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"between you and me--"
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"mostly contain pornography."
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"Now, my lords, ladies and gentlemen,"
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"I feel a huge injustice has occurred here today,"
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"- and it needs addressing. - And what's that?"
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"Well, this chap has the hair of a pedophile."
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"I've got to be honest, I haven't stepped inside a court"
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"for about 300 years."
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"- Objection! - This is your fourth"
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"objection in the last minute, Mr. Cravensworth. Overruled."
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"- Objection. - What about?"
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"Objection?"
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"So, my techniques"
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"and my methods might be a bit old-fashioned."
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"May I approach the bitch?"
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"-[Sean snickers] - What did you say?"
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"I said, "May I approach the bench?""
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"- Ah. - What did you think I said?"
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"Right. I'm ready to wrap this up."
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"The common man-- whether he be Neanderthal, troglodyte--"
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"they all deserve their day in court."
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"A slice of a fair system, wouldn't you say?"
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"I think I've heard enough, thank you."
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"Judgment for the plaintiff"
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"in the amount of $12,700."
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"- What's she talking about? -[gavel bangs]"
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"We lost."
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"LASZLO: What the fuck?"
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"-[whispers]: Fuck. -[door opens]"
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"- I need to see Nadja. - SEAN: No, no."
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"- Nadja? - No, no, bro."
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"She's not there. Come on. God, you're heavy."
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"- LASZLO: I think I'm gonna puke. - What happened?"
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"Well, he lost a court case"
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"and he took it pretty hard, and we went to a bar"
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"- to... help him unwind. -[belches]"
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"- Wait, Laszlo's a lawyer? -[sighs]: Yeah."
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"We met some finance guys, and next thing you know,"
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"double-fisting drinks."
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"They take off, we lose track of Laz."
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"-[laughing] - They must've gone out barhopping or something."
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"Oh, I can't believe this is the first time"
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"I'm inside your guys's place. You must do a lot of antiquing."
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"Nope. Don't touch that."
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"Jennifer the Dreadfully Loathsome,"
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"we would like to officially apologize for the distress"
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"your name has caused you, and we hereby"
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"grant you permission to change your name henceforth."
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"- NANDOR: Yes. - As requested, you will be known"
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"as Gabby the Dreadfully Loathsome."
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"- Gabby. - Congratulations, my love."
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"Thank you."
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"I think we're done, guys. Excellent day."
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"-[doors slam open] - GUILLERMO: Wait!"
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"NANDOR: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!"
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"What is the meaning of this outburst, Guillermo?"
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"He's supposed to be ashes by now."
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"GUILLERMO: The prisoner was sentenced to death."
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"And by some miracle... [chuckles] escaped."
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"- What are you talking about? You helped me... Oh. - Shut..."
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"GUILLERMO: He escaped! But a-according to"
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"Codicil 18 of the Vampiric Council Code of Conduct..."
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"I just made that up. [chuckles]"
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"Codicil 18: The prisoner is entitled to..."
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"a defense attorney!"
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"-[Nadja gasps, laughs] - NANDOR: Oh, for fuck's sake..."
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"- All rise. The Honorable Laszlo... -[muttering]"
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"Well, you-you know who he is."
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"My lords and ladies of..."
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"-[belches] jury. - Ugh."
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"Eh..."
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"Um..."
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"NANDOR: Is there any more? Okay... great."
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"He's never been very good with his blood liquor."
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"If I may quote my favorite comedian, Monty Python,"
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"[bad accent]: "We better get a bucket.""
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"[laughs] He's gonna throw up."
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"- I think he's gonna puke. -[belches]"
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"No! Before that, I think what he was"
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"going to say is that he..."
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"volunteers to take this young vampire under his wing."
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"- NANDOR: Did he say that? - GUILLERMO: Yes. And, of course,"
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"make him, you know, work off his transgressions."
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"And also, uh, vouch for any future,"
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"uh, uh, behavior of his. Right? Right, Laszlo?"
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"-[groaning] - La-Laszlo?"
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"- NANDOR: That's a yes? - That's a yes."
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"I think it would be so lovely for him"
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"if you just let him win this first case, just for Laszlo."
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"Please?"
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"[sighs] Okay, fine. I don't even care at this point."
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"- Release the prisoner. -[laughs]"
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"NADJA: Laszlo has won a case!"
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"Very good. Well done, my love!"
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"- You won your first case ever! - Well done. Well done, Laszlo."
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"Congratulations."
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"Guillermo, you, uh, you saved me."
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"Oh, no. Thank your l... yeah, all right."
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"Yeah. I guess it was kind of me. [chuckles]"
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"[loud banging]"
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"NANDOR: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Guillermo, you step away"
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"from that crate this instant."
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"-[barking] - Get your hands off that lock"
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"- immediately! - NADJA: Guillermo,"
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"hellhounds are not to be trifled with."
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"NANDOR: Don't do this!"
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"Did you ever stop and think"
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"that maybe this creature was just hungry?"
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"- Or afraid? - D-Don't. Don't open that door."
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"- Or both? -[Nadja gasps] - Don't do it!"
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"- Hey...! - There he is."
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"-[gasps] Good boy. See? -[Nadja whimpering]"
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"He just needed some love and attention."
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"- Away, hellhound. - GUILLERMO: Who's a good boy?"
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"- Good boy. - NADJA: How is he doing that?"
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"Maybe it's part of his magical DNA."
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"- Lay! -[barks]"
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"[gasps] Good boy."
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"And he's got an enchanted nutsack as well, apparently."
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