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Clips from Schitt's Creek - Turkey Shoot (S01E01)

"- Right. - I'm looking for Alexis."
Schitt's Creek
"Oh. You have a... What? A thing with Alexis tonight?"
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"- Uh, a date. - I think that's Ted."
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"Why is he over there?"
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"Because he knows how much I love it when"
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"Mom and Dad interrogate your boyfriends."
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"- I wonder what they're asking. - No, David!"
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"Tell me, Ted, are your parents still together?"
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"Uh, no. They divorced when I was in high school."
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"Oh. Alcoholism."
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"No, I think they just realized that they were better off as friends."
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"- Huh. - Affair. Poor thing."
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"Okay. That's enough, everybody. Thank you so much."
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"Hey. Hey, got the wrong room. Hi."
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"- Yeah, you did. Okay. - Yeah."
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"Hey, I know you!"
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"Yeah, no, Stevie brought you in to see me."
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"So Antonio's Buffet, huh?"
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"So many choices, one little plate."
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"Okay, you know what? Bye, guys. We'll see you in the morning."
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""In the morning." Very funny, Alexis!"
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"Don't even think about it, ain't gonna happen."
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"- Ted, not on the first date. - Yes, sir."
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"Don't wanna kill the buzz, but have fun."
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"Alexis seems to have found someone to keep her busy."
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"What about you, David?"
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"I'm gonna go to bed. I have to be up early."
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"I stupidly agreed to go hunting with Stevie tomorrow."
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"You said hunting?"
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"Yeah."
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"Wow."
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"Ahh!"
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"- It's me! - Who is it?"
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"It's your father!"
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"I'm not lurking in your room."
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"Your alarm is going off. You're not turning off your alarm!"
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"Shoot."
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"You know, I'm telling you, I'm not comfortable with you going hunting."
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"I don't feel comfortable with it either!"
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"End this now. Thank you."
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"- All right, just be careful, please. - Okay, thank you."
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"You and your nightgown can tippy-toe back to bed. I'm late."
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"Have I ever killed before?"
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"No."
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"but that was more about the lunch."
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"Turkey virgin!"
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"Does this come in a slimmer cut?"
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"Here. You can take this one."
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"It has a scope so you can see the head."
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"Okay! Gather round, my shooters."
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"Bob has a little prayer here he'd like to offer up."
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"Just a little convo with the big man upstairs for a second."
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"Our God, in these times of need,"
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"our light in these times of darkness..."
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"David, do you wanna..."
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"So is it, like, a small town thing"
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"What?"
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"What? It's not like it was a bad date or anything."
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"It sounds like things got crazy."
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"Yeah. I actually introduced him to Beyonce"
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"in the car ride on the way home, so that was very special."
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"It's just, if the date's a success with me,"
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"I'll let you know it."
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"I mean, he might as well have shaken your hand."
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"Well, he did that too."
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"- Hey. - Hey."
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"I thought that you could use a proper smoothie."
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"Well, lucky for you, we're just finishing up."
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"Eh... Hey, Mutt. Do you want a ride?"
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"- I'm good. - Are you sure? It's a long walk."
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"I like walking."
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"Suit yourself, bud."
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"So you don't mind wrapping up?"
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"Bye!"
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"Yes. Thank you for the concern."
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"Well, I just wanna make sure you got the stomach for this"
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"'cause you kinda seem like an indoors-y sort of guy to me."
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"- Mm-hmm. - You know, delicate. Fragile."
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"- Scrimpy. - Thank you."
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"You ever held a gun before?"
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"Uh, yeah, but it wasn't this heavy,"
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"which makes me think that Elton's was actually a toy."
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"All right, you gotta treat it like it's a newborn baby."
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"Have to admit, not into babies so it's kind of a guessing game for me."
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"Oh, you got soft hands."
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"Okay, thank you. Thanks."
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"You don't have to do this."
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"Do what? Have fun?"
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"Smell like manure? Get called "scrimpy"?"
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"Oh, oh, uh..."
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"Jocelyn, would you grab us a table"
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"Well, he should join us."
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"And between you and me, people are noticing you!"
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"Excuse me, cowboy, have you seen my husband?"
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"Oh, my God."
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"Ho ho hoo hoo!"
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"Look at you. Boy, you look like..."
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"Who? Who do I look like?"
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"I wanna say Tonya Harding."
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"Do you? How about..."
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"- Jocelyn. - Mmm."
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"Oh, my God, that's right. Why Jocelyn?"
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"Because everyone who comes out of that salon"
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"looks just like Jocelyn."
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"And is that you? Is that your wig?"
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"No, it's a dead possum."
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"Yes, it's a wig, John. Is she still looking at us?"
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"Yes, she is. Yes."
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"So what happened? I can't believe you're wearing this."
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"This is what I get for being nice, John."
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"I'm doing this for Jocelyn because she paid for it,"
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"and it was her little treat, and I didn't have the heart to rip it off my head,"
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"- much less torch it. - Oh."
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"So, now, until I get in the shower,"
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"- She's coming over. I just told a joke. - You did?"
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"You did!"
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"What do you think of your beautiful wife?"
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"- Well, which beautiful wife are we talking about here? - Oh!"
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"I can't tell you how freeing it is, Jocelyn,"
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"'Tis. I mean, of course, as an actress,"
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