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Clips from Modern Family - Not in My House (S01E01)

"What was that? I just asked him if he wanted to have a glass of water..."
Modern Family
"[Sobbing]"
Modern Family
"[Wailing]"
Modern Family
"Okay, I checked the rest of the computers in the house. I didn't find any more porn."
Modern Family
"That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor."
Modern Family
"You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial."
Modern Family
"I should go talk to him. Honey, honey, honey. I got this. I got this."
Modern Family
"Breasts are like these scary, mystical things..."
Modern Family
"that he's drawn to like Frodo to Mordor."
Modern Family
"Okay, I'm definitely going- No, no, no, no, no."
Modern Family
"Boys don't want their moms talking to 'em about sex..."
Modern Family
"any more than girls want their dads talking to 'em about periods,"
Modern Family
"bras and girdles and all that stuff."
Modern Family
"You do know that women stopped wearing girdles, like, 30 years ago?"
Modern Family
"Honey, I know, I know. That-That-That is exactly the kind of sexual revolution..."
Modern Family
"Fix that step. Just know,"
Modern Family
"I will handle this, okay?"
Modern Family
"[Gasps] El diablo."
Modern Family
"Hey, Gloria, do you have any idea why Barkley was in the guest room?"
Modern Family
"I was just doing a little redecorating."
Modern Family
"Sometimes it's good to move things around just to see how they look."
Modern Family
"Yeah, but the guest room? That's crazy."
Modern Family
"He's not a guest. He works for us."
Modern Family
"Hey, give me a hand here, will you?"
Modern Family
"- I think his jacket shifted while I was moving him. - Ay, cómo no."
Modern Family
"We can't have you untucked, our little butler. That doesn't make any sense, does it, boy?"
Modern Family
"[Fabric Rips] ¡Ay!"
Modern Family
""Ay"? What was that? Is he all right?"
Modern Family
"- Ay, no. My bracelet got caught a little bit here. - Well, don't panic."
Modern Family
"I'm not panicking. All right, try to relax."
Modern Family
"We can fix him. Let me take a better look. Come here, boy."
Modern Family
"Luke? Hey, Dad."
Modern Family
"Hey, buddy. Um, look."
Modern Family
"- [Door Closes] - You and I need to have a little talk."
Modern Family
"- About what? - Well, it's about computer stuff."
Modern Family
"Um- [Clears Throat]"
Modern Family
"How do you make sure you've deleted something after you read it?"
Modern Family
"Sorry, Jay. It was an accident."
Modern Family
"You know, I'm beginning to think you don't like Barkley that much."
Modern Family
"I mean, first you hide him in the guest room, and now this."
Modern Family
"It's ridiculous. I didn't mean to hurt it."
Modern Family
"First of all, let's cut the "it"s. He is a he."
Modern Family
"And you can pretend to be innocent all you want, but action speaks louder than words."
Modern Family
"Yeah. They can be very revealing."
Modern Family
"What are you trying to say?"
Modern Family
"Nothing. But you have to admit that the dog butler is a little ridiculous."
Modern Family
"You know what else I think is ridiculous? That mountain of pillows you have on our bed."
Modern Family
"I feel like I'm working on a loading dock just trying to get under the covers."
Modern Family
"[Gloria] They're pretty. They're a damn nuisance."
Modern Family
"Okay, forgive me for trying to make our home beautiful."
Modern Family
"You know, if I can put up with those, you can put up with a piece of art."
Modern Family
"This is not art. This is an unholy mix between man and beast."
Modern Family
"But, fine, if you love it so much, put it wherever you want."
Modern Family
"Thank you. Where you going? To get some more pillows?"
Modern Family
"Why is Dad in Luke's room with the door closed?"
Modern Family
"They are having a little talk. Is Luke being punished?"
Modern Family
"My favorite is when they're both in trouble."
Modern Family
"So, what'd he do? Did he cheat on a test? He's a cheater."
Modern Family
"He did not cheat on a test."
Modern Family
"Did he lie? He lies all the time. Alex."
Modern Family
"Alex. Sorry. I'm just worried about Luke."
Modern Family
"A lot of parents are hitting again. I appreciate your concern,"
Modern Family
"but your father has it under control."
Modern Family
"[Chuckles] Twenty-four."
Modern Family
"Twenty-five."
Modern Family
"[Slap] [Luke] Ow!"
Modern Family
"Can I be on the bottom now? Yep."
Modern Family
"[Taps Spoon On Mug]"
Modern Family
"- [Sighs] - Mmm. How'd it go?"
Modern Family
"Well, he was really embarrassed, but everything's- everything's fine now."
Modern Family
"What'd you say? Well, you know,"
Modern Family
"- I kinda promised him we'd keep everything between us. - Mm-hmm."
Modern Family
"Matter of fact, he'd be mortified if you brought it up with him... ever."
Modern Family
"- Oh, God, really? - Yeah."
Modern Family
"That actually makes me feel kinda bad."
Modern Family
"Well, you're probably just feeling a little tense from all this."
Modern Family
"I know I am."
Modern Family
"You know what might help the situation?"
Modern Family
"Really? Right now?"
Modern Family
"I meant going out for a few pizzas."
Modern Family
"Where's your mind?"
Modern Family
"I guess I live in a house full of sex maniacs."
Modern Family
"[Clears Throat]"
Modern Family
"[Cameron] Amigo?"
Modern Family
"We can't help you if you won't come out."
Modern Family
"[Man] Gracias por invitarme a su casa y apiadarse de mis lágrimas."
Modern Family
"What'd he say? Something "house" something."
Modern Family
"Come on. The show starts in a half hour, and we still have to pick up Manny."
Modern Family
"Can we just- Come on. Move this thing along!"
Modern Family
"Okay, this man is in crisis."
Modern Family
"Stop. You're getting all this from "something house something"?"
Modern Family
"Let's just call Gloria and have her deal with it, okay?"
Modern Family
""Lt" is a human being, Mitchell."
Modern Family
"Named Caesar Salad. Okay."
Modern Family
"What's going on with you? Cam, you- you always do this."
Modern Family
"It's like you're incapable of hearing anyone's sad story..."
Modern Family
"And then, my needs- my needs come second. Your needs right now..."
Modern Family
"are a puppet show."
Modern Family
"This man could have lost his brother in a cable car accident."
Modern Family
"You understood "casa.""
Modern Family
"Okay, fine. If it'll prove to you..."
Modern Family
"that I'm not the obsessive helpaholic that you make me out to be,"
Modern Family
"let's go to the puppet show."
Modern Family
"- Cam. - Let's go."
Modern Family
"- Just down the hall to the right. - Ay. Gracias, gracias."
Modern Family
"Perdón. In there. Okay."
Modern Family
"- Okay, let's go. - No, please."
Modern Family
"I know it's killing you not to get back there in the middle of that."
Modern Family
"Oh, no, no, no, no. We are going. These folks can find their own way out."
Modern Family
"Oh, come on."
Modern Family
"[Mitchell] Dad? [Jay] Back here."
Modern Family
"- Is Manny ready? - Didn't you get the message? He's not going."
Modern Family
"- What? - Ah, some mandatory cleanup at school."
Modern Family
"- What's the real reason? - It's a puppet show, Mitch."
Modern Family
"Perfect. All right, it's just you and me then, Lily."
Modern Family
"How's the little fortune cookie? Ah, she-she's good. She's good."
Modern Family
"Where's Cam? We got into a fight."
Modern Family
"Because of him, I have a house full of Latinos."
Modern Family
"Welcome to my world. So, trouble in gay paradise, huh?"
Modern Family
"He just can't say no to anybody who needs help."
Modern Family
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