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Clips from Fresh Off the Boat - The Real Santa (S02E02)

"but you've got to stop fixing Santa."
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"I'm done. Santa's fixed."
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"I made him the best."
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"What's this?"
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"It's a poem I wrote for mom that we can say is from both of us."
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""Dear mama, place no one above ya."
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"Don't ya know we love ya?""
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"This is pretty good."
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"I know."
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"But some of this doesn't make sense."
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"Like, why'd you say, "even as a crack fiend, mama,"
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"you always was a black queen, mama"?"
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"It's poetry, man. Don't be so literal."
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"I do have a logical brain."
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"That's why I could never enjoy nursery rhymes,"
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"like three pigs live in a house,"
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"it's silly is what it is!"
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"I like this intensity, Emery."
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"Hey, I'm gonna go get a soda."
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"You're not coming back, are you?"
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"Nope."
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"our faculty likes to put on a holiday show"
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"as a thank-you for your hard work and dedication."
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"In our past shows, we've had visits from Santa, Rudolph,"
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"threw themselves into the crowd to be passed around."
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"called "Kathy's rule,""
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"or gender-y connotations in state-funded children's theater."
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"So this year, please welcome the pan-cultural seasonal entity."
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"I respect you!"
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"But it's Christmas. There should be Santa."
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"Santa's the best."
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"- He sure is. - That's right."
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"And he's Chinese!"
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"Santa is not Chinese!"
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"Yes, he is!"
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"That doesn't even make sense!"
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"Okay, everybody calm down!"
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"Stop yelling at children!"
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"Everybody's on board with a fat man flying around the world,"
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"just so long as he's white?"
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"Santa's not fat! He's big-boned!"
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"You plagiarized a rap song."
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"Christmas is two days away."
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"Don't say it."
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"You said Santa's not white,"
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"and everyone at school says he's not Chinese."
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"I-i didn't mean for this to happen."
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"I just... I just wanted to make Santa the best for him."
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"I know you did."
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"Santa is Chinese!"
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"Then why do you have a beard?"
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"This is mole hair."
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"It all grows out of two very lucky moles."
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"You think a man is thoughtful enough"
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"to give presents to everyone in the world?"
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"to make a list of the behavior of every single boy and girl?"
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"You know those street signs that say "men at work"?"
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"Women don't need those because it is understood."
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"They all work for me."
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"I am the wholesaler."
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"I come on December 23rd..."
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"and put the presents out under the tree."
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"I allow them to take credit, but I am the boss."
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"This is why I am called..."
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"Lao ban Santa."
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"Boss Santa!"
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"You drive a Lebaron?"
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"Better for tax purposes."
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"You are a special soul..."
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"one who believes in magic but still has a scientific mind."
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"So you are a scientist!"
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"Well, of course!"
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"I have a J.D., M.D., Dds, Phd,"
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"and I am a notary."
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"Remember... always be the best."
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"Study hard and eat more vegetables."
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"Maybe less time with J.J."
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"Merry Christmas, Evan."
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"Merry Christmas, Lao ban Santa."
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"Evan? Everything okay?"
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"Uh. Aah! Aah!"
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"Shh. I have a lot to tell you."
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"Why you so nervous, man?"
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"Because it's Christmas morning,"
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"Mrs. Smithyman the shopkeeper"
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"Dark."
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"Don't worry, mom. We got you."
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"Emery made it."
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"This is amazing."
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"Yeah, it's perfect to scale."
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"And I made you these earrings."
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"Thank you, Eddie."
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"I'll put them with the paperclip anklet you gave me last year."
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"Maybe there is something to thoughtful presents."
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"You ready?"
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"One, two, three."
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"Let it ride! Ha!"
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"Wow, Evan, look how many presents"
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"So many presents from regular Santa,"
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"which he brought in last night."
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"Everything you need to know about Lao ban Santa"
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"Right."
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"Yes."
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"...in a leased Lebaron because...?"
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"Well, why doesn't she just buy a truck and use that every year?"
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"Wouldn't that make more sense?"
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"Louis, when a tradition has been established,"
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"you really shouldn't try to improve on it."
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"Is that from "Moby Dick"?"
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"but nobody's actually read it."
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"And at his weight,"
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"I call it jazz walk."
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"and an accomplished scientist?"
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"What are you doing?"
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"Was that the summer you were a lesbian?"
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"Now, this binder contains equations that support the math"
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"She loved it."
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"What?"
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"- What? - And what did I get you?"
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"Eat up and come meet Santa!"
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