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Clips from Mum - December (S01E01)

"Oh, yeah. What does she say?"
Mum
"Well, she's nice and she listens,"
Mum
"but then she just goes on about the New Testament."
Mum
"She made me read it."
Mum
"What a way to go."
Mum
"Do you know which woman I've always liked? Fergie. Sarah Ferguson."
Mum
"Oh, yeah. Bloody hell."
Mum
"And her kids."
Mum
"She's really... deep."
Mum
"She really cares about normal people. It keeps her awake at night."
Mum
"She's very down to earth."
Mum
"- You read her books? - No. Are they good?"
Mum
"Oh, they're bloody brilliant."
Mum
"And it isn't that he was talking to a girl. I mean, it's Jason,"
Mum
"isn't it? He wouldn't cheat on anyone, not even me."
Mum
"- You know he said he didn't get that job in Australia? - Yeah."
Mum
"He was telling this girl he did."
Mum
"- He was just boasting, love. - No."
Mum
"He was telling her all about it,"
Mum
"saying he's going to move there in February."
Mum
"- Do you need to answer it? Sorry. - No. I'm sure someone will get it."
Mum
"- Sorry, my hands are all covered in chicken. - I'll get it."
Mum
"But he just happens to be called Budgie."
Mum
"Answer it. Go on. Don't worry about me."
Mum
"- I should probably go down. - Yeah."
Mum
"Can I make myself a tea, Cathy? If I can work out which tin it's in!"
Mum
"Hello, Michael. Everything OK with your mum?"
Mum
"- Yes... - He stuck a pillow in her face. Put her out of her misery."
Mum
"How did she know?"
Mum
"Do you know where the tea's kept?"
Mum
"Pauline, babe. Do you know where the tea's kept?"
Mum
"Er... there's a pot somewhere with tea written on it."
Mum
"Yeah. Exactly."
Mum
"Yeah, it was quiet, yeah. We had Reg and Maureen for lunch."
Mum
"- I bet that was nice. - Michael..."
Mum
"- How was yours? - Yeah. It was nice to have the girls together."
Mum
"Less nice to see Abi."
Mum
"- New shoes? - Yeah."
Mum
"- The girls got me them. - Ah."
Mum
"And now you feel guilty if you don't wear them?"
Mum
"Why do you think I'm wearing this cardigan?"
Mum
"Oh, and Maureen... you'll like this..."
Mum
"she wants to have sex with a black man."
Mum
"- Where did that come from? - Nowhere."
Mum
"She just came out with it. - Any black man in particular? - Nope."
Mum
"- Lovely. - Oh, erm... - Cathy..."
Mum
"Cathy, can I get the code for your wifi?"
Mum
"Erm, I was just about to make some tea for Maureen so..."
Mum
"There's some pretty influential people trying to contact me"
Mum
"so it's rather more important than a cup of tea for that racist bitch."
Mum
"Right."
Mum
"In 2004, at Emma Marston's Easter brunch,"
Mum
"they were still going on about my blinis."
Mum
"Well, I'm sure it won't be the same without you."
Mum
"No, it won't. I know it won't."
Mum
"I mean, they'll all be there. Peter and Sarah Beckwith, obviously."
Mum
"They'll leave as soon as they've eaten."
Mum
"The Morgans and their daughter with the MBE."
Mum
"- Wow! What did she get that for? - Oh, please."
Mum
"If it was a CBE I'd be impressed, Cathy, but an MBE?"
Mum
"Come on. It's not even an OBE."
Mum
"- with the wifi code on it. - Don't be sorry, Cathy."
Mum
"Thanks."
Mum
"Just be quicker."
Mum
"- One year at midnight, we all ended up in the pool. - No!"
Mum
"Oh, yeah. They threw me in!"
Mum
"You'll have to speak louder. I can't hear you."
Mum
"- She's not speaking to you, Reg. - Right. Sorry. As you were."
Mum
"I used to have a swimming pool."
Mum
"A swimming pool? What do you do in it?"
Mum
"- Swim. - Where?"
Mum
"- To the end. - Then what?"
Mum
"Back again."
Mum
"What a fucking waste of time."
Mum
"When my divorce settlement comes through,"
Mum
"Yes, I know and saying what a boring party it is without me. I know."
Mum
"I'm not bothered, anyway."
Mum
"- I've heard it's prosecco this year, rather than champagne. - God...!"
Mum
"Oh, how the mighty have fallen."
Mum
"- Small J. - How small?"
Mum
"- Go on. - Seven."
Mum
"- Seven? - Yep."
Mum
"- The number or the word, Cathy? - The number."
Mum
"- And a capital P. - Thank you."
Mum
"They sometimes take a while to come through, don't they?"
Mum
"- Have you tried refreshing... - I don't need your help."
Mum
"Oh, wow, Michael!"
Mum
"Just to say happy Christmas."
Mum
"Oh, lovely. Thanks. I've always wanted diabetes."
Mum
"No, thanks, that's really kind of you."
Mum
"- Erm... - Michael!"
Mum
"Michael! Come here"
Mum
"before I come out there and I grab your lovely little bum!"
Mum
"Sorry."
Mum
"Cathy? Cathy?"
Mum
"Can I take this for the cats?"
Mum
"- Is Kelly all right? - Quick, it's dripping."
Mum
"Not really, love. I think you should go and talk to her."
Mum
"- Yeah. Probably. - Cathy!"
Mum
"People might want some, Reg. It's the nice one, it was expensive."
Mum
"- Take all of it. I'll have some in the morning. - I am!"
Mum
"Has she got any roll mops?"
Mum
"- Yeah, it's right next to my bed. - OK."
Mum
"- Yeah. It's basically next to my pillow. - Very nice."
Mum
"So, in the mornings, I don't have to get up or anything."
Mum
"I just wake up, reach in my little fridge and get myself a can of Coke."
Mum
"I keep beers in it, too, for bedtime."
Mum
"- Nice shoes. - Thanks."
Mum
"Geoff and I didn't have a fridge in our bedroom."
Mum
"We had a little woman with a limp. We got her over on a coach"
Mum
"There you are. Has anyone been in touch?"
Mum
"No, not yet, but it's fine."
Mum
"I've decided I'm not bothered by it all, so... I'm sure they'll text"
Mum
"and, in the meantime, I'm just going to relax and have a nice evening."
Mum
"- Sorry, I was wondering where you were. - Yes."
Mum
"No, and that's fine. Yes."
Mum
"Yeah, come in, love. Come in. It's freezing out there."
Mum
"This is my boyfriend, Ryan."
Mum
"Ryan. It's spelt with a Y not an I."
Mum
"A lot of people think it's short for Brian."
Mum
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