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Clips from Dr. Ken - Ken Tries Standup (S01E01)

"About yea high."
Dr. Ken
"Looks like an Asian lesbian, acts like an Asian gay man."
Dr. Ken
"- Buddy! - Doug!"
Dr. Ken
"Oh, my... oh, look at you, Mr. Clean."
Dr. Ken
"Look at you. Still working at Doctors Without Decorators, huh?"
Dr. Ken
"He's a stand-up comic, which means he's bitter and poor."
Dr. Ken
"Is it, Doug?"
Dr. Ken
"Oh, is that no longer a comedy club?"
Dr. Ken
"So, let me guess."
Dr. Ken
"so you dropped by for a free checkup?"
Dr. Ken
"I was hoping you could fit me in"
Dr. Ken
"Did he hear about last week?"
Dr. Ken
"Okay, all right, just shut up, Julie."
Dr. Ken
"into marrying you to come to my show tonight?"
Dr. Ken
"on Internet dating and how everyone's eating kale."
Dr. Ken
"Pat, this is my buddy Doug from college."
Dr. Ken
"He does stand-up."
Dr. Ken
"Ah. Well, put me down for one comp ticket."
Dr. Ken
"You a big comedy guy?"
Dr. Ken
"No, I'm more of a "live sex show" guy."
Dr. Ken
"Surgeons took our table."
Dr. Ken
"Yeah, they think they're so much better than us."
Dr. Ken
"and way more money and are more attractive?"
Dr. Ken
"They don't have more money than me."
Dr. Ken
"Whoa."
Dr. Ken
"We don't have to take this."
Dr. Ken
"You know what?"
Dr. Ken
"Julie is right."
Dr. Ken
"We are gonna march over there confidently,"
Dr. Ken
"Right there, concierge is standing there."
Dr. Ken
"I didn't notice at first. I was there myself to check..."
Dr. Ken
"I know you don't know this, but we usually sit here."
Dr. Ken
"That's my low-sodium soy sauce."
Dr. Ken
"I just leave that there."
Dr. Ken
"That is how much our table this is."
Dr. Ken
"Really enjoyed the chat."
Dr. Ken
"Now leave us alone."
Dr. Ken
"And that's how I met Stephen Dorff."
Dr. Ken
"I said this is our table."
Dr. Ken
"Oh, I heard you."
Dr. Ken
"So, what color Tesla do you think I should get?"
Dr. Ken
"- Right here? - Right there."
Dr. Ken
"Your pastry!"
Dr. Ken
"No, he did not do that to your pastry!"
Dr. Ken
"No. No."
Dr. Ken
"Unannounced."
Dr. Ken
"Not unannounced."
Dr. Ken
"I rang doorbell."
Dr. Ken
"Oh, good, another box of unwanted fruit."
Dr. Ken
"And is it super heavy?"
Dr. Ken
"Hey, Dad."
Dr. Ken
"Oh, we don't need those."
Dr. Ken
"Oh, you say that now,"
Dr. Ken
"Doug usually only gets like five minutes."
Dr. Ken
"That's right."
Dr. Ken
"We missed him last time because someone refused to valet park."
Dr. Ken
"Oh, sure, $20 cover and valet?"
Dr. Ken
"Hey, why don't we buy a tiger while we're at it?"
Dr. Ken
"We'll live like rappers."
Dr. Ken
"If you really want me to fit in like you claim to,"
Dr. Ken
"Dave, you don't need another violent video game."
Dr. Ken
"But "Blood Lust" is educational."
Dr. Ken
"It's like an anatomy lesson."
Dr. Ken
"When you win a sword fight, your victim is cut wide open."
Dr. Ken
"You can see everything."
Dr. Ken
"You want to take this one?"
Dr. Ken
"What's wrong with you, Dave?"
Dr. Ken
"Geez."
Dr. Ken
"You don't need video game."
Dr. Ken
"You need exercise."
Dr. Ken
"Kids today just sit on their butts staring at screens."
Dr. Ken
"You're soft."
Dr. Ken
"He's not wrong."
Dr. Ken
"Can you do more than zero?"
Dr. Ken
"Yeah, and that's when I was working out."
Dr. Ken
"Yeah. I really enjoyed the eight-block walk uphill."
Dr. Ken
"Well, thanks for dropping me off in front."
Dr. Ken
"We didn't."
Dr. Ken
"So..."
Dr. Ken
"I did a little light Googling on your friend,"
Dr. Ken
"Yeah, just recorded a one-hour comedy special"
Dr. Ken
"and posted a scathing review of a carpet store on Yelp."
Dr. Ken
"Well, for me, yeah."
Dr. Ken
"little miss 7 1/2."
Dr. Ken
"Okay, ladies and gentlemen."
Dr. Ken
"The Laugh Factory's proud to present"
Dr. Ken
"one of Variety's top 10 comics to watch."
Dr. Ken
"He's here for you right now."
Dr. Ken
"How about a big hand for Mr. Doug Miller!"
Dr. Ken
"Thanks for coming out."
Dr. Ken
"What's up, cutie?"
Dr. Ken
"Thanks for sitting in the front row."
Dr. Ken
"This girl asked me out the other day."
Dr. Ken
"She told me she was an actress in porno movies."
Dr. Ken
"She goes, "Well, I'm working Tuesday and Wednesday."
Dr. Ken
""Uh... how about Monday?""
Dr. Ken
"Yeah, he's been doing that joke forever."
Dr. Ken
"I'm sorry. Am I interrupting your conversation?"
Dr. Ken
"you've been doing that joke forever."
Dr. Ken
"And Monday was the right call."
Dr. Ken
"He really cleaned up with the sorority girls."
Dr. Ken
"Yeah, his work-study job, he was janitor for Tri Delt."
Dr. Ken
"I'm laughing. I'm thinking. I'm having a great time."
Dr. Ken
"- Oh. - That's true."
Dr. Ken
"Yeah. Dean was our buddy who made a list of all the virgins."
Dr. Ken
"I don't get that."
Dr. Ken
"Ken, it's great to see you."
Dr. Ken
"You have a beautiful family, too."
Dr. Ken
"Lovely children and a wife who insists they're your kids."
Dr. Ken
"I don't know."
Dr. Ken
"Switch seats with me."
Dr. Ken
"I had no idea he was doing so well."
Dr. Ken
"Did you know back at Duke, I was the funny one?"
Dr. Ken
"I'm sorry, but if he can do it..."
Dr. Ken
"I almost did."
Dr. Ken
"There's this bar at Duke where Doug was doing open mikes."
Dr. Ken
"You Steven Wrong."
Dr. Ken
"Oh, there's joke for you, joke boy."
Dr. Ken
"Think so?"
Dr. Ken
"Go try an open mike."
Dr. Ken
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