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Clips from NewsRadio - Look Who's Talking (S04E04)

- No, I'm not-- - You can't give someone your liver.

"- No, I'm not-- - You can't give someone your liver."

NewsRadio

What? [ Lisa ] Go ahead, Bill.

"What? [ Lisa ] Go ahead, Bill."

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I'm still trying to get used to it myself--

"I'm still trying to get used to it myself--"

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but... I'm going to have a baby.

"but... I'm going to have a baby."

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No, you're not.

"No, you're not."

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A baby?

"A baby?"

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Bill, I've never seen you as the fatherly type.

"Bill, I've never seen you as the fatherly type."

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I need to give love. I need a baby. End of story.

"I need to give love. I need a baby. End of story."

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I had one. It ran away.

"I had one. It ran away."

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Strangest thing.

"Strangest thing."

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No, you're not.

"No, you're not."

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and they called me this morning and said it was my time.

"and they called me this morning and said it was my time."

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Hmm. Dude, you can't adopt a baby.

"Hmm. Dude, you can't adopt a baby."

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- Why not? - Actually, I don't know why not,

"- Why not? - Actually, I don't know why not,"

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but there's gotta be some reason.

"but there's gotta be some reason."

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Just as I thought--

"Just as I thought--"

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The scarlet "A" that stands for "single dad."

"The scarlet "A" that stands for "single dad.""

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No, you're not!

"No, you're not!"

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Okay.

"Okay."

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[ Jimmy ] Beth, I need to talk to you alone.

"[ Jimmy ] Beth, I need to talk to you alone."

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Okay. I need you to go with me...

"Okay. I need you to go with me..."

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to a $500-a-plate charity luncheon for orphans.

"to a $500-a-plate charity luncheon for orphans."

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No, no. The money goes to the orphans. Sure it does.

"No, no. The money goes to the orphans. Sure it does."

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I have to get up on stage, and all these rich women...

"I have to get up on stage, and all these rich women..."

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Oh, so you want me to be there to slip that first dollar into your Speedo, Mr. James.

"Oh, so you want me to be there to slip that first dollar into your Speedo, Mr. James."

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It doesn't work like that. I'm worried that I won't get enough money bid on me.

"It doesn't work like that. I'm worried that I won't get enough money bid on me."

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Well, sure it would. That's why you're going as the duchess of Greater North Chesterborough.

"Well, sure it would. That's why you're going as the duchess of Greater North Chesterborough."

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What if somebody figures out this is fake? Oh, it's not.

"What if somebody figures out this is fake? Oh, it's not."

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You bought a duchesshood? Nah.

"You bought a duchesshood? Nah."

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Just rented it for the day. You know those dukes and duchesses.

"Just rented it for the day. You know those dukes and duchesses."

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They're always hard up for money.

"They're always hard up for money."

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Do I get a crown and a scepter?

"Do I get a crown and a scepter?"

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who's having a birthday party.

"who's having a birthday party."

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I've already interviewed a nanny.

"I've already interviewed a nanny."

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I've applied to preschools. I hired a great pediatrician.

"I've applied to preschools. I hired a great pediatrician."

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And I even decided to splurge on a diaper service,

"And I even decided to splurge on a diaper service,"

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Uh, Bill, you do realize that a diaper service cleans the diapers.

"Uh, Bill, you do realize that a diaper service cleans the diapers."

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They don't change the baby for you.

"They don't change the baby for you."

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That's okay. I can get plenty of cat naps here at the office.

"That's okay. I can get plenty of cat naps here at the office."

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Dave, parenting is something you can learn as you experience it--

"Dave, parenting is something you can learn as you experience it--"

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like riding a bike...

"like riding a bike..."

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- Well, why now? - I'm not exactly getting any younger, Lisa.

"- Well, why now? - I'm not exactly getting any younger, Lisa."

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If this were Logan's Run, I'd be Soylent Green by now.

"If this were Logan's Run, I'd be Soylent Green by now."

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By the time my kid graduates from college,

"By the time my kid graduates from college,"

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I actually borrowed these from Dave.

"I actually borrowed these from Dave."

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I'm just kidding. Yeah.

"I'm just kidding. Yeah."

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and then think about, you know, children?

"and then think about, you know, children?"

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- Oh, I know, Bill, but-- - I mean, I've called endless sex lines.

"- Oh, I know, Bill, but-- - I mean, I've called endless sex lines."

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I've answered hundreds of delicious personal ads.

"I've answered hundreds of delicious personal ads."

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You know, Bill, hiring a prostitute to call you "Daddy"...

"You know, Bill, hiring a prostitute to call you "Daddy"..."

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Like father, like son.

"Like father, like son."

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I thought you were seeing someone. I was,

"I thought you were seeing someone. I was,"

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till she tried to set fire to my hair while I was sleeping.

"till she tried to set fire to my hair while I was sleeping."

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Where, exactly, is that?

"Where, exactly, is that?"

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You get off the freeway when you see the statue...

"You get off the freeway when you see the statue..."

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By the by, where do you winter? Oh!

"By the by, where do you winter? Oh!"

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Generally, my ladies in waiting and I get the Presidential Suite at Disneyland.

"Generally, my ladies in waiting and I get the Presidential Suite at Disneyland."

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Rich people don't go to Disneyland. They don't?

"Rich people don't go to Disneyland. They don't?"

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All right. Keep on going. Keep on going.

"All right. Keep on going. Keep on going."

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I don't know. I heard Mrs. Howell say it once to Gilligan.

"I don't know. I heard Mrs. Howell say it once to Gilligan."

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Oh, uh, would the, uh,

"Oh, uh, would the, uh,"

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gentleman care to, uh, cotillion with oneself for...

"gentleman care to, uh, cotillion with oneself for..."

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Man, she's really got this thing nailed!

"Man, she's really got this thing nailed!"

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Look at him. He's actually glowing. I know.

"Look at him. He's actually glowing. I know."

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I've drawn up a babysitting schedule for little Billy Jr.

"I've drawn up a babysitting schedule for little Billy Jr."

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it seems like you're, uh, babysitting Bill's kid...

"it seems like you're, uh, babysitting Bill's kid..."

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every night for the first...

"every night for the first..."

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ten years of his life.

"ten years of his life."

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I can't believe you're encouraging him.

"I can't believe you're encouraging him."

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Why? Bill's gonna make a great father.

"Why? Bill's gonna make a great father."

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Well, it sounds to me like you're talking about Lisa Miller.

"Well, it sounds to me like you're talking about Lisa Miller."

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I'm not selfish and self-centered, am I?

"I'm not selfish and self-centered, am I?"

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I think you should try to bear in mind...

"I think you should try to bear in mind..."

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that you're asking an ex-boyfriend.

"that you're asking an ex-boyfriend."

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You can't just set them down somewhere and expect them to entertain themselves.

"You can't just set them down somewhere and expect them to entertain themselves."

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Hello, Cynthia. Aren't you a cutie? [ Crying Stops ]

"Hello, Cynthia. Aren't you a cutie? [ Crying Stops ]"

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Wow. Do you have one of your own?

"Wow. Do you have one of your own?"

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Oh. Hello, Cynthia. [ Crying ]

"Oh. Hello, Cynthia. [ Crying ]"

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Oh, don't cry, Cynthia. [ Crying Stops ]

"Oh, don't cry, Cynthia. [ Crying Stops ]"

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Hello, Charlie.

"Hello, Charlie."

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I love you.

"I love you."

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You have a very charming son, Madam.

"You have a very charming son, Madam."

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Kind of touching.

"Kind of touching."

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No, it's a fluke. Anybody can be cute. Watch.

"No, it's a fluke. Anybody can be cute. Watch."

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unless I tune to your radio station.

"unless I tune to your radio station."

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Is this some kind of special park...

"Is this some kind of special park..."

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for screwed-up kids or something?

"for screwed-up kids or something?"

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Uh, well, we should have known this was gonna happen.

"Uh, well, we should have known this was gonna happen."

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You know, Bill probably came here this morning and bribed them all with lollipops.

"You know, Bill probably came here this morning and bribed them all with lollipops."

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Matthew, you're up too high. Be careful.

"Matthew, you're up too high. Be careful."

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I have to tell you, Lisa, despite all my bravado...

"I have to tell you, Lisa, despite all my bravado..."

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I was still a little unsure about this adoption thing.

"I was still a little unsure about this adoption thing."

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But your little visit to the park was just what the doctor ordered.

"But your little visit to the park was just what the doctor ordered."

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Just think-- In a few short hours,

"Just think-- In a few short hours,"

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Oh, well, I'd be honored.

"Oh, well, I'd be honored."

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He was great. I mean, maybe this will fill a hole in Bill's life.

"He was great. I mean, maybe this will fill a hole in Bill's life."

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You know, I do not understand you men and your babies.

"You know, I do not understand you men and your babies."

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Actually, I think Bill just might make a terrific father.

"Actually, I think Bill just might make a terrific father."

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No, he won't. It's just a terrible idea. What?

"No, he won't. It's just a terrible idea. What?"

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you know, falling down, tripping over things, hurting himself.

"you know, falling down, tripping over things, hurting himself."

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"Oh! Baby hurt himself! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" You like that?

""Oh! Baby hurt himself! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" You like that?"

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Ohh! I hurt myself.

"Ohh! I hurt myself."

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Lisa--

"Lisa--"

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No. Children need structure. They need order and discipline.

"No. Children need structure. They need order and discipline."

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Ha-ha-ha. You know, that's very funny,

"Ha-ha-ha. You know, that's very funny,"

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but my parents had me reading by the time I was three.

"but my parents had me reading by the time I was three."

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Uh-huh. Do you know how many times you've told me that?

"Uh-huh. Do you know how many times you've told me that?"

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That is a result of successful child rearing.

"That is a result of successful child rearing."

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Do you really think that Bill is going to spend...

"Do you really think that Bill is going to spend..."

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teaching his child the difference between integrated...

"teaching his child the difference between integrated..."

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and non-integrated algebraic functions?

"and non-integrated algebraic functions?"

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I mean, didn't you have any love when you were growing up?

"I mean, didn't you have any love when you were growing up?"

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I'm sure Bill is just gonna lavish it on them all the time.

"I'm sure Bill is just gonna lavish it on them all the time."

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You know, maybe you should calm down.

"You know, maybe you should calm down."

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and had someone rock you to sleep.

"and had someone rock you to sleep."

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The gymnasium was taking up so much space I had to have it removed from the yacht entirely.

"The gymnasium was taking up so much space I had to have it removed from the yacht entirely."

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I had a swimming pool put in instead.

"I had a swimming pool put in instead."

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But you know, then I wasn't happy with that either,

"But you know, then I wasn't happy with that either,"

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is those carved, wooden topless chicks up in the front.

"is those carved, wooden topless chicks up in the front."

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Huh? Huh?

"Huh? Huh?"

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