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Clips from The Good Place - ...Someone Like Me as a Member (S01E01)

"You need me to lie to old people"
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"and scare them into buying fake allergy medicine."
The Good Place
"I get it, man. Which one's my desk?"
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"That one, over there."
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"All you gotta do is hit your minimal sales target every week."
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"Cool. And you guys don't have any lame, mandatory office hangouts, right?"
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"Hell no."
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"Some people go out for a drink after work,"
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"and I like to run the occasional group drill"
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"to see how fast we can shred evidence, but that's it."
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"Most days, you'll be able to avoid even talking to another person here."
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"Perfect. Happy to be a part of the not-team."
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"All right, let's begin negotiations."
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"Now, we would like to discuss various trades that we could--"
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"Oh, yeah, we're not negotiating."
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"See, Fake Eleanor and I, we bro-ed down pretty hard last night."
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"- We hooked up. - No, we didn't."
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"Yeah, but who are they gonna believe... me or a woman?"
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"Point is, she knows that she doesn't belong here, and she's giving up."
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"Is this true, Fake Eleanor? Are you giving up?"
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"Yeah, of course she is. She knows this place isn't for her."
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"Let's go, ding-dong. Come on."
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"No, I'm not leaving."
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"Oh, come on, sweetheart, we've been through this."
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"You know you don't belong here."
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"You're right. I don't..."
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"But, I want to."
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"I used to never want to be a part of any group,"
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"but I'm a different person now,"
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"because of the person who helped me,"
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"and I want to be like him."
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"I want to be like all the people who are here."
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"You can, Eleanor."
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"Thanks, Real Eleanor."
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"Hey, if you two aren't gonna make out, just shut up."
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"we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn."
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"Oh, oh, no! Shawn, really?"
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"Who's Shawn?"
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"He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high,"
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"has the final say on all disputes between our two realms."
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"And his name is Shawn?"
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"Okay, look, I don't want Shawn involved either."
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"So, how about you blow us away with an offer, so we can end this."
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"Okay..."
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"Here's my offer."
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"You get nothing!"
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"We're not letting Fake Eleanor go, and we're not giving you anything."
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"You can summon every evil creature you have,"
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"every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear."
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"They have them down there. But, we are not giving up."
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"I believe that Eleanor belongs in The Good Place."
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"If I'm wrong, you can take her to The Bad Place"
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"and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her."
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"Gah, gah, gah. Easy, buddy, easy."
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"But, she's staying here."
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"Now, all of you..."
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"Enjoy it while it lasts. Let's roll, dummies."
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"Let's get one drink for the road."
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"- Bye. - Did you guys hear any of that?"
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"Oh, my..."
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"Bravo, Michael, really."
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"You got sloppy. I found your junk food all over the house,"
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"and then, last night,"
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"you knew how to tap a keg."
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"So, I thought I would come in here"
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"and investigate your little "meditation" den."
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"And, what I found was this."
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"Now, I don't know who you are,"
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"but I do know that you're not a Buddhist monk."
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"So, let's chat, shall we?"
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"No."
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"And anyway, there's a bigger problem."
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"Well, I was living in what I assume is Eleanor's worst nightmare."
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"Oh, nailed it again."
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"But then they died when I was four..."
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"What is it you said happened to you?"
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"My dudes tend to boomerang around the room."
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"Okay."
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"No, you need to stand up for yourself."
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"for a negotiation session. We'll walk over together?"
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"and you all hang out like some kind of cult."
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"Good looking out, boss."
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"Oh, I think I made it pretty clear that I don't approve."
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"They even have their own Bad Janet. I'll show you."
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"Half the school wanted to be the Scorpions,"
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"Beat it, Gloria. She is, like, such a dork."
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"I swear to Bieber."
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"Oh, hey now, come on. Let's not insult people, please."
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"a lot of behavior."
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"Oh... No, no, no, no."
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"- That's a classic. - Classic..."
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