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Clips from NewsRadio - Sinking Ship (S04E04)

"the inconsiderate jerks who write this crap and then force me to say it--"
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"we like to kick back and say, "What if?""
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"For example, what if WNYX wasn't a radio station at all,"
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"but rather a massive luxury liner..."
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"called Titanic?"
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"we hope to answer that question."
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"So, sit back, relax."
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"Don't be afraid to cry-- I do it every day--"
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"tears of joy,"
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"like the one you're about to see."
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"Once we clear the North Atlantic straits,"
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"Sorry I'm late."
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"[ Ship's Horn Blows ]"
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"The chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced."
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"I don't anymore. I'll tell you that much."
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"Once we get through the North Atlantic straits--"
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"Morning, morning, morning, morning. Captain."
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"And what kind of time's my little baby making today?"
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"Fifteen knots, sir. Fifteen knots. Is that so?"
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"-This radio station/luxury liner is unsinkable, right, Joe? -You know it."
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"That's right. No expense has been spared."
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"Not one. The hull alone is held together by over 200 miles of duct tape."
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"No. Steel's not waterproof."
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"Matthew, you'll be on iceberg watch for today."
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"Whatever."
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"- Lisa's birthday. - Happy birthday, Lisa."
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"- Thank you. - I have a very special present for you, Miss Lisa."
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"Oh, Walt, you shouldn't have."
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"Can I interest you in a cup of coffee, sir?"
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"But I hear she's involved in the suffrage movement,"
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"Well, good luck, sir. Yeah."
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"Good morning. Yes."
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"Just place it by my desk."
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"Bill, why can't you just use a briefcase like everyone else?"
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"And put these impoverished drunkards out of work? You're a cruel man, Dave."
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"Sorry, sir. Sorry? Sorry doesn't feed the admiral's cat, does it?"
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"You'll be taken care of handsomely at the conclusion of our journey, my good man."
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"With a swift kick to the gluteus "assimus.""
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"What's he doing here? His job."
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"All I'm saying is he belongs down in steerage,"
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"not wandering freely up here with us."
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"Dave, social classes are segregated for a very distinct reason."
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"The wealthy aristocracy are simply not meant to mingle..."
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"with the vulgarian, bourgeois swine of third class."
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"[ Walt ] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"
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"Whoo-hoo!"
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"Yee-haw! Walt?"
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"Why don't you just calm down and come inside?"
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"All right. Matthew."
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"You're not likely to notice too many icebergs..."
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"with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet."
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"Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this ship? I will not have it!"
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"I was wondering if I should also keep my eye out for--"
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"Well, Matthew, if you didn't fall off the ship at least three times a day,"
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"he wouldn't be quite so tempted, would he?"
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"-Wanna help me stoke the boiler? -No. Actually, I was just gonna use the bathroom."
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"Why don't you just go over the side?"
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"Hmm."
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"and I came up with an electrical device..."
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"that can detect solid objects for miles away."
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"I think we'll just stick with the old-fashioned binoculars,"
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"- Walt, that is so sweet. - What's sweet?"
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"Walt's birthday present. He wants to sketch my portrait."
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"Did you hear that? He wants to sketch her portrait."
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"So what? So, that's obviously his boorish, working-class way..."
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"Walt, this sketch you're planning on doing-- How would you characterize it?"
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"Well, sir, I'd have to say, uh, artistic."
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"Here's that Admiral Pataki interview."
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"Ah. Well, no rush on that. No rush."
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"Um, happy birthday. Oh."
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"No, I-- I do like it. I do like it. Well, then?"
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"It just-- It seems a little, tiny bit much maybe."
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"- It's nothing. It's nothing. - Dave."
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"I don't even know what those things look like."
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"But I'll keep looking."
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"S.O.S., old man, S.O.S. Major trouble ahead."
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"Prepare to reverse on my command."
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"Now engines full stop. Iceberg?"
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"No. Not one of your mythical icebergs."
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"[ Peeps ] Joe, ignore that last order."
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"What order?"
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"♪ [ String Quartet ]"
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"Do you want to borrow my gun?"
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"[ Sighs ] No, I'd really rather not."
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"Dave, your reputation had been indelibly besmirched."
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"Engines full stop!"
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"[ Ship's Telegraph Rings ] Check below for damage!"
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"What happened? What was that?"
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"No, not a bird. A berg."
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"Joe, how is everything down there? We're taking on a little water."
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"- What's going on? - We hit an iceberg."
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"We're taking on a lot of water. We'll probably sink in a matter of hours."
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"- Fire off a distress flare immediately. - Yes, sir."
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"Great. Now we're not just sinking. We're on fire. Are you happy?"
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"[ Joe ] We're not sinking! Yes, we are!"
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"Hey, dude, you wanna give me a hand?"
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"- How bad? - About up to here."
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"Help doin' what? I'm fine. Everything's cool."
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"Good. Thirsty?"
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"Comin' up."
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"[ Grunts ]"
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"Sir, this ship has been rated "Unsinkable" by strict union specifications."
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"Which means, that even if it's completely submerged,"
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"it still retains its "Unsinkable" classification."
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"Oh, good, good. I need that for the resale value. Have you got any cheese crackers in here?"
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"Sure. Hold on. Thanks."
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"You take the starboard side of the building. I'll take the port. Let's go!"
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"Dave. Huh?"
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"- Are you mad at me? - No. I have a lot on my mind right now."
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"Okay. Listen. I tried to tell them it's just a friend gift,"
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"but everyone seems to think it's more of a "let's be more than friends" gift."
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"Which it isn't. Is it? Could we possibly discuss this tomorrow?"
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"[ Exhales ] Yeah. What a shame."
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"Well, then wear it. I can't."
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"I'm glad you didn't die partway through the year."
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"[ Roaring ] What's that?"
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"It means the ship wants to go faster. Oh, okay. Carry on."
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"Walt. Who's that?"
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"think I should come back up there?"
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"I've got these paintings. I want to make sure they get into a lifeboat."
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