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Clips from M*A*S*H - Requiem for a Lightweight (S01E01)

"— It‘s foryou. — Blank paper—— Who is it?"
M*A*S*H
"Yes, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, fine, General. A little rough, but we‘re not complaining."
M*A*S*H
"Yes, sir. A what?"
M*A*S*H
"Well, sir, the main sport in this outfit is avoiding calisthenics."
M*A*S*H
"No, sir. Yes, sir. I‘ll do my best."
M*A*S*H
"— Hmm ? — Say good—bye for me?"
M*A*S*H
"I have enough to do."
M*A*S*H
"Well, well. Dr.jekyll and Dr.jekyll."
M*A*S*H
"— Answer‘s no. — Don‘t you wanna know what it is?"
M*A*S*H
"Hot Lips has transferred Lieutenant Margie Cutler,"
M*A*S*H
"Major Houlihan is in complete charge ofthe nursing staff, and I can‘t interfere."
M*A*S*H
"The young lady happens to be a sensational surgical assistant."
M*A*S*H
"— She‘s got two ofthe best... — I‘m sure."
M*A*S*H
"hands I‘ve ever seen."
M*A*S*H
"Don‘t let her go, Henry."
M*A*S*H
"— Real talent in the operating room is hard to find. —I know."
M*A*S*H
"Henry, ifyou say no, we‘ll tell everybody that your brother‘s in jail."
M*A*S*H
"Now, lay off!"
M*A*S*H
"Haven‘tl got enough static with General Barker on my back?"
M*A*S*H
"— What‘s he want? — Yeah. Maybe we can help."
M*A*S*H
"I mean, there‘s nothing that you could contribute to this problem."
M*A*S*H
"One could almost see the lightbulb over his head. Speak. What is it?"
M*A*S*H
"Okay. General Barker is all hot..."
M*A*S*H
"— about this inter—unit boxing tournament, — Yeah ?"
M*A*S*H
"— [ Laughs] Now, that‘s funny. — Maybe we could make one out ofspare parts."
M*A*S*H
"He‘s serious, and he‘s giving me a bad time about it."
M*A*S*H
"Why don‘t you get whoever fought last year?"
M*A*S*H
"— Anyway, Barker‘s got this boy, — Yeah ?"
M*A*S*H
"— thinks he can win the championship. —So?"
M*A*S*H
"— So he‘s bringing him here for his first fight. — Mm—hmm."
M*A*S*H
"Now, if, uh, one ofyou two guys..."
M*A*S*H
"would, say, go three rounds with him,"
M*A*S*H
"— [ Mutters] — See ya around, Henry."
M*A*S*H
"— You sure? —Yeah."
M*A*S*H
"We‘ll just find something nice and easy to do, like shagging shells."
M*A*S*H
"[ Trapper Laughing]"
M*A*S*H
"Some war."
M*A*S*H
"[Laughing]"
M*A*S*H
"[ Vehicle Approaching]"
M*A*S*H
"Bye, Doctors."
M*A*S*H
"— It hurts my ears. What a crunch. — Save it."
M*A*S*H
"— That‘s a shame. I bet you‘re a natural. —I fought in school."
M*A*S*H
"— As a matter of fact, I was very good. —I knew it."
M*A*S*H
"— But I‘m not in shape. — Who says you‘re not in shape?"
M*A*S*H
"You got a cute body."
M*A*S*H
"I‘d rather not say. Some ofthem are married."
M*A*S*H
"I‘d love to. I was on the boxing team in college too."
M*A*S*H
"— Oh, yeah ? — Yeah, but I threw my—— I threw my shoulder out."
M*A*S*H
"Actually, I‘m in pain most ofthe time."
M*A*S*H
"|don‘t like to burden my friends. Look."
M*A*S*H
"All right. Okay."
M*A*S*H
"You really got a bad shoulder?"
M*A*S*H
"[Sighs] The result of being spineless."
M*A*S*H
"Ahh!"
M*A*S*H
"He‘s got a manager and everything."
M*A*S*H
"Come on, Radar. It‘sjust a little sparring. Nobody‘s gonna get hurt."
M*A*S*H
"— No, I‘m not gonna do it. Not for a lousy five bucks. — How about ten?"
M*A*S*H
"Just keep dancing around."
M*A*S*H
"— [ Grunting] — It takes a while, you know,"
M*A*S*H
"to get back in shape, get all your old stuff back."
M*A*S*H
"He‘s gotta get his wind back and everything."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ll write his wife."
M*A*S*H
"Don‘t listen to him. Just keep moving."
M*A*S*H
"I trained a number ofboys to box back home."
M*A*S*H
"Thanks a lot, Father. [Groans]"
M*A*S*H
"Let‘s go! Pick those legs up!"
M*A*S*H
"Breathe deeply! Run ! Move it!"
M*A*S*H
"That‘ll do it. I figure to punch him, not run him to death."
M*A*S*H
"Now put more shoulder into it. Use your whole body."
M*A*S*H
"Tryit again. Tryit again."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, good morning, Major."
M*A*S*H
"and he‘s not even supposed to look at a women until after the fight."
M*A*S*H
"Oh. Oh, I understand."
M*A*S*H
"Justa minute. Isn‘t that Frank‘s bag?"
M*A*S*H
"I thought you were Frank‘s bag."
M*A*S*H
"Oh!"
M*A*S*H
"[Sighs]"
M*A*S*H
"We decided to have a victory drink now in case there‘s no need to later."
M*A*S*H
"— Looks real big. — How big?"
M*A*S*H
"— Looks kind ofmean too. — Mean ?"
M*A*S*H
"What‘s does “mean“ mean? “Mean“ means nothing."
M*A*S*H
"It‘s skill that counts. Big and mean have nothing to do with fighting ability."
M*A*S*H
"A guy told me that he was crossing the road,"
M*A*S*H
"He knocked it out."
M*A*S*H
"Hawkeye, this guy knocks outjeeps!"
M*A*S*H
"[Punching]"
M*A*S*H
"You‘re not getting in the ring with that guy until I hear him speak."
M*A*S*H
"This fight hasjust been called on account ofchicken."
M*A*S*H
"We are not gonna throw in the towel."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m ready to throw in the whole laundry truck."
M*A*S*H
"This ape will neverlay a glove on you."
M*A*S*H
"Trust me. You won‘t even have to touch him."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ll go down during the instructions."
M*A*S*H
"I don‘t think I want to risk my life on a dumb trick like this."
M*A*S*H
"— Use more. Use a lot. —I still say we should use a horseshoe."
M*A*S*H
"A horseshoe is gauche. Ether is subtle."
M*A*S*H
"Then let‘s dip the horseshoe in ether."
M*A*S*H
"Right. Now, the thing you gotta do is you gottajab."
M*A*S*H
"Right? Keepjabbing, jab,jab,jabbing. Right?"
M*A*S*H
"The thing to remember is not to get it nearyour own hooter."
M*A*S*H
"— Don‘t get it nearyour own nose, oryou‘re dead. — Get him in a clinch."
M*A*S*H
"— That‘s it. — Get him in that clinch, andjust hold it——"
M*A*S*H
"— Hold it right in his nose. Get him so he can‘t move. — How is the guy gonna——"
M*A*S*H
"He‘s gonna inhale it. He‘ll never know what hit him.just keep it right there."
M*A*S*H
"Keep him in a clinch so he can‘t move, and all he can do is——"
M*A*S*H
"Way to go, champ."
M*A*S*H
"He broke his nose, broke his jaw, sinuses. The guy’s a mess."
M*A*S*H
"Gentlemen, may I join you?"
M*A*S*H
"— Well, what happened? — The guy never went down."
M*A*S*H
"— Ten—hut! — As you were."
M*A*S*H
"McIntyre, I don‘t believe you‘ve met Sergeant Flacker."
M*A*S*H
"Easy."
M*A*S*H
"Me doctor. Need hands. Operate."
M*A*S*H
"Hey, Henry, can we rustle up some steaks for the sergeant, huh?"
M*A*S*H
"— Oh, yes, sir. — Good. Come on."
M*A*S*H
"Come on, boy."
M*A*S*H
"You better hurry up, Henry. He looked at your arm like it was an hors d‘oeuvre."
M*A*S*H
"Dittsbury, you wanna go out and get Flacker a cow?"
M*A*S*H
"Listen, are you sure that Nurse Cutler‘s worth it?"
M*A*S*H
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