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Clips from Two and a Half Men - If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap (S01E01)

"I didn't lie, Berta. Things change."
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"You cannot put the peanut butter in the refrigerator. It gets hard."
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"Yes. It takes a couple of minutes."
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"Alan, this goes beyond coffee."
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"Berta's been with me forever. She does everything."
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"In her way, yes."
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"Berta's tasted, I don't know, Christmassy."
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"I don't know. It's just that when you drank it,"
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"it felt like Christmas morning, and anything was possible."
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"Forget it. I'll just read my paper."
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"I don't know the mechanics of it, but, yeah."
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"Want a glass of peanut butter?"
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"- Alan? - Yeah?"
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"Rose?"
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"What are you doing sneaking up on me like that?"
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"Rose, honey,"
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"Gee, I'd have to say, finding out you live just two doors down."
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"So, maybe you should find someone who can give you the attention you want."
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"- Well, there is this one guy... - He sounds perfect."
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"Then ask him out."
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"That seems kind of forward, don't you think?"
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"No, come on, women ask guys out all the time."
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"Bye-bye now. Good luck,"
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"Gee, I'm sorry, Charlie. But they don't make chocolate Pledge."
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"But my piano needs to smell..."
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"That's not going to help me now, is it?"
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"I am not a child."
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"Charlie, you asleep?"
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"I'm doing a load of whites."
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"Who said I was asleep?"
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"You're the one who made Berta quit."
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"I simply raised the bar of quality housework"
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"Okay. What's her last name?"
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"She took a bus."
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"But you need to make sure he's dressed and ready to go."
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"So, you telling me, "It's no problem," does not reassure me."
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"I'll go get Berta. You make sure Jake is ready."
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"- Hi. - Hello."
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"Again, thank you."
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"I love this one, but it still smells like pepper spray."
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"I'm just kidding. I'm going to try on the dress, silly."
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"It's complicated."
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"You got grease all over you."
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"- So, how about a shower? - No, thank you."
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"Sorry, pal, but you need a shower."
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"Just go out, have a great time, and don't come on too strong."
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"Jake, why aren't you in the shower?"
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"from his mother's house to Malibu."
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"Jake, you've been in there for a while. How's it going?"
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"Hello, Charlie's house. May I help you?"
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"Yes, I'm here with her now."
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"You still have grease in your hair. Didn't you wash it?"
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"You didn't say to wash my hair."
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"You didn't tell him to rinse."
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"Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass."
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"These clothes look stupid."
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"Don't push me."
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"I don't think I can go through with this."
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"You're a wonderful woman. And this guy, Andy, is going to love you."
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"No, not just."
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"Goodbye, Rose."
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"You are a child, Jake."
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"What?"
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"I'm a big fan."
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"I don't know."
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"I'm not strong enough."
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"- But she is coming back? - Yes, Charlie, she is coming back."
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"Right on."
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"It's been a very emotional day."
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"Thanks."
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"Charlie? Honey, wake up."
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"- Good morning. - You lied to me, Charlie."
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"You said it was just going to be the two of us."
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"Goodbye, Charlie."
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"Don't leave me, Berta."
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"I love you."
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"- Can't we talk about this? - Sorry. I do single men only."
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"I'm in, I'm out, there are no complications."
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"But I am single."
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"Berta? I hate to bring this up again, but you just..."
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"And, on a related subject, the peanut-butter stains"
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"on Jake's shirts really require an enzyme presoak."
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"I hope you two will be very happy together."
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"But who's going to take care of me?"
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"Who's going to do the laundry, the shopping,"
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"- and the cleaning and all the other stuff? - Ask the Scrubbing Bubble there."
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"Why? It doesn't matter, Jake."
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"What matters is she's gone."
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"And we're all going to die."
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"She left before she made the coffee."
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"So? We'll make our own coffee."
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"How?"
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"So, now we just wait?"
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"She's like a wife that leaves before you wake up,"
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"and doesn't mind if you sleep around."
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"Is that the coffee?"
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"I've been figuring out a way to repay you for letting me and Jake stay here."
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"- Why don't I take over the housework? - Berta did the shopping, too."
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"- I can do that. - She did my laundry."
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"But I can handle that, too. And look,"
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"I even made your coffee."
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"Thank you."
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"Not as good as Berta's."
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"It's her coffee. I just pressed the button."
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"What does that mean, "Christmassy?""
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"Now, you got to work with me, Charlie."
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"I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer?"
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"Sweet'N Low? Half & Half? Mocha Mix?"
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"Where's my paper?"
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"I don't know. You might try looking by the front door."
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"No, it's usually right here, on the table."
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"Okay, so before you got up, Berta started the coffee and got you your paper?"
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"I'll go get it."
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"I can see you."
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"And I can see you, too."
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"No. I mean, Berta never cleaned when I was in the room."
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"She was like invisible."
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"I'm sorry. I'll try to be more transparent."
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"Appreciate it."
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"Oh, no."
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