Loading...
You're not connected to the Internet. Please check your connection.

Clips from M*A*S*H - Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (S01E01)

"Oh, traction helps. Usually a day or two in traction——"
M*A*S*H
"— Now, wait a minute, Frank, I‘m the doctor here. —I thought I was the doctor here."
M*A*S*H
"Will you clowns act like professionals?"
M*A*S*H
"That man is hurt. He‘s probably in shock."
M*A*S*H
"He‘ll be in divorce court ifyou don‘t erase the tracks from your tent."
M*A*S*H
"Thankyou, Major. Any pain, Frank?"
M*A*S*H
"Slight muscle spasms this morning, but readjusting the traction helped."
M*A*S*H
"— Here, sir. — give me the——"
M*A*S*H
"It seems you‘ve applied for the Purple Heart."
M*A*S*H
"— Yes, Colonel, you see, the way we understand it—— — Major!"
M*A*S*H
"— Frank. — Well, yes, Colonel,"
M*A*S*H
"I‘ve, um, put in for the Purple Heart."
M*A*S*H
"— Technically, that makes it battle—connected. — On that basis,"
M*A*S*H
"we‘ll be handing out medals for social diseases."
M*A*S*H
"— What are you doing here, Pierce? —I have a stethoscope fetish."
M*A*S*H
"This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention."
M*A*S*H
"That‘s major to you, Captain!"
M*A*S*H
"Henry, you‘re not going to endorse this major idiot‘s application, are you?"
M*A*S*H
"Pierce, that‘s a decision I‘ll decide when I decide..."
M*A*S*H
"— and make my, uh, decision and that will decide. —Doc!"
M*A*S*H
"Doc !"
M*A*S*H
"— Now take it easy, kid, I‘m a doctor. —[Groaning]"
M*A*S*H
"— I‘m Pierce. What‘s the problem? — You‘re my problem."
M*A*S*H
"— I‘m Pierce. What‘s the problem? — You‘re my problem."
M*A*S*H
"Tommy!"
M*A*S*H
"—You‘re a beautiful sight! — What are you doing here?"
M*A*S*H
"[Laughing] You——"
M*A*S*H
"Henry, I want you to meet one of my best friends, Tommy Gillis."
M*A*S*H
"Then he writes a poem to his teacher called “Ode to a Pretty Teacher.”"
M*A*S*H
"What time is it? Right now, 15 years."
M*A*S*H
"No, it‘s more than that. It was—— It was back in grammar school."
M*A*S*H
"— It was fourth grade. — Fifth grade. Remember?"
M*A*S*H
"But he was one ofthe great milk monitors I‘ve ever seen."
M*A*S*H
"-Oh? — [ Laughing, Whispering]"
M*A*S*H
"[Laughing]"
M*A*S*H
"Maxine."
M*A*S*H
"— Oh, I‘ll drink to that. —Loo/"
M*A*S*H
"Here‘s the difference."
M*A*S*H
"You Ne i/er Hear the Bullet. What? Is that a book?"
M*A*S*H
"Yeah, it‘s about the war, and it‘s being written by a soldier,"
M*A*S*H
"How can I explain it to you? There‘s always that big blond kid in all the war movies."
M*A*S*H
"Right ?The one that should never die and always does."
M*A*S*H
"Yeah, and they bring him back to life in the next movie."
M*A*S*H
"— That‘s a great way to run a war. — Right."
M*A*S*H
"Well,you always hearthis big loud ricochetjust before he gets killed."
M*A*S*H
"There was a young blond kid in our outfit."
M*A*S*H
"One day I looked over and halfofhim was gone."
M*A*S*H
"He said, “I never heard no bullet.”"
M*A*S*H
"That‘s why that book is called what it‘s called."
M*A*S*H
"Let‘s get drunk."
M*A*S*H
"Captain Pierce, Captain McIntyre, report to surgery!"
M*A*S*H
"—What was that? — Him. He hates itwhen we drink."
M*A*S*H
"Listen, stick around for a while. We‘ll be back in a bit."
M*A*S*H
"| live in a very small tent with three other guys. Prance makes me nervous."
M*A*S*H
"Listen, stick around, make yourself at home. We‘ll be right back."
M*A*S*H
"Thanks, but halftime‘s over. I better get back to the war."
M*A*S*H
"You stillowe me fora pint ofmilk."
M*A*S*H
"Looks like somebody bit him."
M*A*S*H
"—What doyou mean? This guy bit that guy? — Mm—hmm. A fight."
M*A*S*H
"This one has almost identical injuries, plus an ear that has to be sewn back on."
M*A*S*H
"Well, that“ teach him to listen."
M*A*S*H
"— Let me see that. What were they fighting about? — Nobody knows."
M*A*S*H
"This one over here is an appendectomy."
M*A*S*H
"— Oh, great, no battle—infiicted wounds. — [ Groans]"
M*A*S*H
"All right, look, we can have time to do this and still be crocked before dinner."
M*A*S*H
"— Father Mulcahy, areyou all right? — [ Panting]"
M*A*S*H
"Just out of breath. |—| ran from chapel."
M*A*S*H
"Happilyyou ran for nothing, Padre. No last rites today."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, thank heaven."
M*A*S*H
"— Could I show you something in a get—well prayer? — [Chuckles] That‘s good."
M*A*S*H
"[Groans] Appendixes make me sick. Sutures."
M*A*S*H
"Did you see this kid‘s chest. There‘s hardly a hair on it."
M*A*S*H
"Look how thin he is about the chest and waist."
M*A*S*H
"Yeah."
M*A*S*H
"“Private Wendell Petersen, Marine Corps.”"
M*A*S*H
"You know, I‘d swear this kid is reallya kid."
M*A*S*H
"I guess ifthey‘re tall enough to reach the trigger, they‘re old enough to enlist."
M*A*S*H
"We‘re not going to be interrupted again, are we?"
M*A*S*H
"My folks won‘t be home for hours."
M*A*S*H
"And you don‘t think that he might leave the movie?"
M*A*S*H
"Hurry—— [Clears Throat]"
M*A*S*H
"Hurry, please, it‘s Major Burns."
M*A*S*H
"—Tell him to get his own girl. — He‘s in pain. He wants to seeyou."
M*A*S*H
"Remember where we were."
M*A*S*H
"— [ Groaning] — T—Tell him where it hurts, Frank. Don‘t be brave."
M*A*S*H
"Why don‘t you go boil some water or something?"
M*A*S*H
"You know what your trouble is, you‘re a four—star hypochondriac."
M*A*S*H
"Let mejust stay here."
M*A*S*H
"Don‘t reach foryour appendix, kid, it‘s gone. How do you feel ?"
M*A*S*H
"All ready to go out and kill me some more gooks, sir."
M*A*S*H
"I mean, the North Koreans. The Chinese, sir, the enemy."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m a marine. We‘re the best."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m a coward. We‘re the worst."
M*A*S*H
"|don‘t care about no pain. | just wanna get back to the fightin‘."
M*A*S*H
"See you later."
M*A*S*H
"What‘d you do while I was gone?"
M*A*S*H
"—I drank. — Mm—hmm."
M*A*S*H
"—And I filed my nails. — Mm—hmm."
M*A*S*H
"And I looked through this dirty book| found hidden on your shelf behind Arrowsmith."
M*A*S*H
"Oh, then how come one ofthe dwarves is named “Leather“ ?"
M*A*S*H
"Hot Lips, ifyou don‘t get out of here, I‘ll shoot you."
M*A*S*H
"It‘s not Hot Lips, it‘s Radar."
M*A*S*H
"There‘s trouble in the post—op. You gotta come."
M*A*S*H
"—What is it, Frank again? — No, no, it‘s a fight. Hurry up."
M*A*S*H
"Wait here, okay?"
M*A*S*H
"Be right back."
M*A*S*H
"Watch it! The back! The back! Watch the back!"
M*A*S*H
"Okay, break it up! Break it up! Cut it out ! Come on, come on."
M*A*S*H
"Now what‘s all this about? Come on. What‘s going on?"
M*A*S*H
"— He stole my salami. —You lousyliar."
M*A*S*H
"Knock it off! Knock it off!"
M*A*S*H
"Let me point out ifyou meatballs have ripped out those stitches I put in,"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m gonna put them back with staples."
M*A*S*H
"— All right, now wait a second. _ |__"
M*A*S*H
"|f| getyou each a salami, will you promise to stop fighting..."
M*A*S*H
"at least until your stitches heal?"
M*A*S*H
"— Kosher? — Kosher."
M*A*S*H
"— Okay. — All right. Come here. Radar!"
M*A*S*H
"Sir?"
M*A*S*H
"Take care ofthese guys. |fthey give you any more trouble,"
M*A*S*H
Show more clips