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Clips from The Love Boat (1977) - A Tasteful Affair/Oh, Dale!/The Main Event (S01E01)

"Yes. There's some people I know who think I'm still in it,"
The Love Boat (1977)
"but yes, I did."
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"And when it was over, did you know how to handle boys?"
The Love Boat (1977)
"That's a tough question,"
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"because there are some boys that you just sort of"
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"instinctively know how to handle, right?"
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"And there are some boys that you learn how to handle."
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"And other boys you never figure out."
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"Oh."
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"That wasn't much help, was it?"
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"Well, what do you do with someone"
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"who's the most grown-up person in the world one minute,"
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"and the next minute he's acting like a 6 year old?"
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"Graham, huh?"
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"Yeah. Can't get him into a normal conversation."
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"Well, there's one thing I learned about men,"
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"regardless of their age, and that is"
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"that they have one favorite topic:"
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"themselves."
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"So the next chance you get,"
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"ask him a couple of questions about himself."
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"Well, like, what kind of questions?"
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"You know, what kind of car does he drive?"
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"What's he do for a living?"
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"Julie, he's only 12."
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"Oh."
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"Well, you know what I mean."
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"You really think it'll work?"
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"It usually does."
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"Okay, I'll try."
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"Well, you see, there's this very attractive girl on board."
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"Yeah? Which one?"
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"Oh, you mean that little girl, Kelly."
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"Yeah. Right."
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"Every time I see her, I feel like my brains fell out."
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"I never know what to say."
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"Hey, that's easy. Flatter her."
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"There isn't a woman in the world"
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"who doesn't like to hear how nice she looks."
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"You tell her how nice she looks."
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"Is that all I have to do?"
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"Take it from me."
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"I've been very successful with women."
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"I've been married four times."
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"( dramatic theme playing )"
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"Good evening. Good evening."
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"Isn't this exciting?"
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"Imagine, sitting at the captain's table."
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"Oh, this is gonna be such fun."
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"Provided we don't run into Barney."
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"Oh, I don't think we have to worry about that."
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"They don't serve French fries and Quarter Pounders here."
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"Is there another captain's table?"
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"Wish there were."
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"Of course, you'll do the gentlemanly thing"
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"and sit somewhere else."
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"Of course, you'll do the polite thing and take a hike."
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"Hello, Barney."
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"Um, long time no see."
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"Hi, Ron. How's the fake marriage counselor business?"
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"Heh-heh. Barney, charming as ever."
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"Uh, we've not been introduced."
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"I'm Ron Larson, Terry's husband."
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"Judy Watson. My wife, Terry."
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"How do you do? How do you do?"
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"I believe you know Barney."
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"Oh, do I know Barney."
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"Good evening. I'm Captain Stubing. Hello."
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"It's nice to have you on the ship again,"
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"Mr. and Mrs. Green. Good evening. We're the Larsons."
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"Aha. Hello."
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"Hello. Judy Watson, Barney Mason."
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"And they were just leaving."
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"Oh, was it something I said?"
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"That's just Mrs. Larson's feeble attempt at humor."
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"Barney."
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"Oh, please, um, have a seat."
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"Have two."
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"( laughter )"
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"Oh, no, no, no, no."
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"Boy, girl, boy, girl."
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"An ancient nautical tradition."
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"Captain's orders."
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"That's nice."
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"Yes."
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"Good, good."
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"Now... here we are all together."
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"Terry? Mm-hm?"
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"I must tell you how great the house is."
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"What house? I live with Barney."
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"Oh, our house."
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"I mean, that house."
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"JUDY: You have such super taste."
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"I really hate to change anything."
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"Especially in the dining room."
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"All that wonderful marble and chrome and leather."
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"What really makes that room for me"
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"is the black-and-white tile floor."
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"Yes, it did."
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""Did"? Well, it started to buckle,"
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"so Barney replaced it with AstroTurf."
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"AstroTurf in my dining room?"
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"That's very practical."
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"You can hose it down."
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"And it's our dining room."
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"He's right, you know."
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"Who asked you?"
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"Ahem. Well, uh, how are you all enjoying the cruise?"
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"Swell."
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"Delightful. Terrific."
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"AstroTurf."
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"Good, good."
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"Now, yeah, we'll begin with two bottles of Verdicchio, please."
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"Hm-hm."
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"Well, I hope that you're all taking advantage"
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"of our wonderful facilities."
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"There's something for everybody on board."
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"Is there a guillotine?"
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"Uh, J-Judy, have you ever been on a cruise before?"
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"No. I love it."
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